If you dish it out, you better know how to take it....

Bickering , nitpicking, playful banter and sarcasm....  If you can dish it out, you should be able to take it when it comes back to you.  I guess DH is one of those special cases.  He dishes out like a champ.  In fact, his talent is so honed... you cannot decipher if he is joking or not.  I decided to take it as a joke because if he is really serious all the time...  then it only shows that he is one ruthless person.  I swear that emotional warfare is his medium and I am his canvas.  But I digress....  I probably deserve a fair amount of it, but what manages to bother me is how when I give it back to him (all in joking, of course, since I am not a vicious person), he reacts like a scorned child with his silent treatment.  Really?  Big, tough guy that can hurt my feelings becoming so sensitive that he thinks that I am being mean?  I was shocked at how I had to apologize for playful banter being taken the wrong way so I can stop him from pouting.  While I should not feel remorse for his feelings being hurt because he hurts my feeling way more than I could ever hurt his.  Heck, I was not even trying!  In fact, the thought never crossed my mind that my little kidding around with him could even be that hurtful.  Sheesh!  Is it possible that I am truly vicious without thinking about it?  Is it possible that my "taking it like a man" has made me vicious without conscious thought?  Or is this just another play to make me feel like I am the bad guy all the time?

I am not a game player when it comes to emotions.  I know all too well how mean it is to be the receiving end of being played.  While I am capable to suppress negative feelings from the public eye, I am not perfect.  There are times that I may slip up, but I try to explain myself properly and try to soften the impact of my emotional outbursts.  The only place I choose to allow myself to release unwanted feelings is in the privacy of my own home... away from everyone, including my family.  People really do not want to deal with crying, pouting, or irrational thought stemmed from anger.  Even then, I am still not perfect with it.  There are times I need to find a place to be alone and let loose.  Albeit, my odds of physically hurting myself increases since there are times I seek out something to throw, kick or punch.  I never do any of those actions on people....  just objects.  I have kicked trees, kicked doors, punched walls, thrown rocks and thrown shoes.  I always make sure that there is nobody around when I do that as well as nothing in throwing range can break.  Even in an irrational state, I am aware of my surroundings.  I even roll up the windows in my truck if I feel the need to scream while driving because I really do not want people to hear the anguish that needs release coming from inside me and out my lips.  Game players play martyrs for instant attention.  Vicious game players drag everyone around them with their deep-seeded negativity.  You see, when people get others involved, it is their way of keeping the game going.  That is just not a healthy existence in my book.

Negative emotions must have closure.  Holding onto resentment is detrimental for a healthy existence.  Grasping onto stuff like that manages to grow in strength over time.  People need to scream, people need to cry and people need seek resolution.  My way of seeking closure is to write about it... to share that I am not afraid to express myself, my thoughts, and share my "mental flossing" findings to understand better.  Believe me, I have tried to talk it out with people that have wronged me, but learned rather quickly that if there is no desire to care about my feelings from the other person....  it only adds on more negativity that I really do not want in my life.  If I can make closure with it this way, I function better in the long haul.  By no means, is this a solution to a repetitive issue.  It is a coping mechanism until I find a solution that is effective enough to be seriously considered by those that just do not care how I feel.  Is my way the best way?  I don't think it is for everyone, but it is what works for me.  I have gotten this far, right?  I just know that there are others that find a way that works for them.  I just have always wondered how they found their way to handling irrational thought and emotion.

In closing....  I guess my message is if you decide to unload a negative tone (jokingly or not), you better be prepared to get the same in return.  It is all about what you give out being returned.  If you seek happiness, you have to give in order to receive.  Same goes for respect, friendship and love.  Expectations will fall short if all that you do is take.  Eventually the people around you will stop giving if you never give back.  I do my best to keep the negative at bay and offer only positive things to others because positive feelings are what I seek to have in my life.  Even though I continue to get negative things thrown my way, I will always try to seek the positive.  My recent experience is that in my house, I cannot play the banter game with anyone because as they are capable of dishing it out....  they have no ability to take it.  It would have been nice to know this before I played along.  It actually made me sad to see those I love be sad from my actions.  Even if I thought I was just playing along.