Good morning and Happy Mother's Day!
Yep, it is Mother's Day; a day to show appreciation to the woman that went through hours (and I mean HOURS) of pain to bring you into this world. Of course, all mothers have multiple reputations when it comes to their children and it changes as they get older. Really, who goes from boo-boo fixer to moron to smartest woman alive in a lifetime? It is that love... hate... and back to love emotional roller coaster children put mothers, like myself, through. Do we complain about it? Not as much as we should, but I truly believe that our tolerance level changes in our DNA makeup once the hormones shift while pregnant. To those that could not experience the phenomenon of giving birth, but are parents, too, just happen to have that parenting gene at all times. Of course, there are some that should never be a parent, but the forces that be thought it would be interesting to thrust them into the challenge that parenthood brings.
With all things in tradition, it is Mother's Day that offers a little "breather" from the ins and outs of being the only one that does the most with the least appreciation for it. In my world.... I cook, clean and cater to those in my care (and that includes DH). Of course, my tendencies to do more without asking for help has enabled my family to do less and complain when it is up to them to do anything in this house. Trust me.... when DH whines about making a tray if ice cubes once in a while like it is such a grueling task... you will understand my situation.
Sadly, the Mother's Day of the past in this house have appeared to be less spoiling on my part. It is looked upon as just another ordinary day here. I still cook, clean and cater around here. Gifts do not come in my direction and flowers do not grace my kitchen table. I will admit that I have ground my teeth in frustration so often that I already know that I have a very expensive dental appointment in my very near future. A couple of old fillings are failing and I am in constant discomfort. Aching, overly sensitive teeth make it hard to enjoy any food or beverages. In hindsight.... I might actually lose a few pounds (if not more) by waiting for the "green light" to get this matter handled. Knowing my luck (and DH's habitual saying of "no" with guilt-laden comments of being too financially strapped for expenses like these), I can only hope that once I do get the opportunity to see the dentist and get some relief... the dentist might be more reasonable when it comes to the expense and how we can make payments instead of getting whacked with a huge bill that we obviously cannot afford. Of course, my determination to do just about everything here had me injure my left hand (well, I know I hurt it at work, but it was just something that was waiting for the right time from overworking it at home), and even some of the more simple things that require use of that hand now hurt to the point I have tears in my eyes. Obviously, my perpetual lousy luck has added a little icing to this cake of misery with my allergies flaring up to monstrous levels... My head feels like I have a mini jackhammer bouncing around in there. Well, it could be from my teeth, too, but the pain behind my eyes is immense. I slept funny last night and my right arm is tender in one spot and radiates EVERYWHERE as well as that glorious set of knots traveling up and down my spine that triggered all my usual pinched nerves.
Yep, feeling absolutely glorious for a day that is supposed to be in honor of me going through 13 hours of labor for my child and a never ending requirement of sacrifice to my family. If you could not catch the pain-ridden, sarcasm there in that last statement.... then I obviously have zero talent in sharing how awful I am feeling today. I feel damn useless, but pushing myself to be useful is really starting to wear me down. I have been sleeping more than usual and that is not good when it comes to fulfilling the demands of my life and my family. Oh well, time to suck it up, right?
Now, if I could only win a million dollars...... I could ease the financial burden that DH feels, buy all the stuff that DD needs, and maybe have enough to take care of a few things I fear really needing my immediate attention for my health. Of course, the forces that be really like giving me impossible challenges to deal with all...the...time... and getting a break is definitely not in my future. I bought a lottery ticket yesterday and I already know I only donated my $2 to the jackpot that I will never obtain. I mean... really.... I don't need the supposed 170 million jackpot. Just enough to slightly get ahead of our bills and get the important things that we have zero health coverage for (dental insurance is really expensive and barely covers anything) and obviously I am asking for too much, but I already know I can never get that lucky. I am not greedy.... I am just desperate for relief. I know I am not alone when it comes to this, but it is just so sad that I just cannot get a break. I have nothing but time to wait, but would like a chance to come up for air once in a while.
Oh well, off to try to follow through with my plans that I placed before me. I told DH that I refuse to cook on Mother's Day (and that means the usual breakfast). Either they (my family) joins me at the local iHop for breakfast or I am going alone. If they do decide to join me... then they are getting the bill. With the pain in my mouth, I know I will be a cheap date, but I want at least ONE OPPORTUNITY to be waited upon and this is supposed to be MY DAY.
So, thanks for reading, hug your mom, and have a great day!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
When there is a will, there is NO way...
Good morning! My house is back to it's quietness since my little furry friend's master returned last night and was taken back to his home. In hindsight, I was hoping my little plan would have worked. I was hoping that once DH felt how alive our home could be if we got another dog... he would finally agree to letting us get one. I know, I know.... it was sneaky and underhanded of a plan I hatched in order to get another dog here, but my intentions were pure. DD and I have been wanting a dog of our own after most of the healing we went through after the loss of our German Shepherd, Molly. We had almost 12 glorious years with her and her passing was quite painful. Knowing that we could never just replace her, we held back on getting another puppy to love and care for. Of course, our money situation became painfully tight after all the vet bills came rolling in, so the notion of getting another puppy was definitely pushed back on the list of getting. I know we are still struggling financially, but it was looking like we could quite possibly get a pup soon. Heck, we do not take vacations anymore and we are here all the time. DH is the only one that can take a little "fishing" trip once a year with zero guilt on how much it costs to go, while DD and I have remained at home. Family vacations are non-existent here obviously, just by that mention of who gets to take a little time for themselves. DD may get invited for sleepovers at friends houses from time to time, but as for me.... I will never see outside of my home for any extended period of time. I did do one overnight stay at a hotel for a wedding a while back, but I even felt guilty for going. I used to do an overnight bike ride through Chicago every year with my friends, but since my best friend moved away.... I just cannot see myself doing that anymore, but even with that in mind.... I never really have taken a vacation that is just for me. I have become tethered to my house and strangely enough.... I am kind-of okay with that. I guess it is all in the conditioning through not being able to do for so long, you just embrace less and never ask for more.
Well, I figured my little plan would bring my family closer together, having a puppy to care for and all, but I was painfully WRONG. DH held his ground and did absolutely NOTHING over the weekend. No interacting with our furry visitor what-so-ever. DD kept herself in her room all weekend with only a few appearances out of her room to walk our little guest while I was at work on Saturday and to eat. When I was home.... it was just me and that pup. He was my shadow and never left my side. He followed me EVERYWHERE and slept next to me at night. Going to the bathroom alone was no longer an option and trying to cook dinner was a circus act. Of course, our little guest was forlorn over his master leaving him and barely ate, but I was more determined to make sure he ate something. I was the one that went on the longest walks with this little guy so he could trot along happily, having a little adventure here and there. I was the one that crawled on the floor and played for hours on end with stuffed animals, balls and whatnot to entertain him until his master returned.
On the final long walk I took our little guest on, I had time to think and I was not really happy with what I was thinking.... While I am ready for another dog to love and care for, my family is obviously not. DH's resolve to remain detached from the life brought into our home stayed firm and that firmly cemented the notion that we are never going to get the okay to have another dog in our house to call our own. DD's love and affection is random and at random times. The newness of having a dog wore off of her quite quickly and she returned to her teenager ways of being detached from the family and attached to her room with her computer games, cell phone, and solidarity. With zero help from those two over the weekend, I still had to do all the things I normally did when we do not have a dog to tend to. I became quite overwhelmed and quite disappointed in those two, but I definitely learned my lesson..... They may want to like having the notion of having another dog in the house, but they do not want to deal with the responsibility.
So last night, with a heavy heart, I said goodbye to my little furry guest and watched him return to his home with his master and grabbed my book to sit down and finish reading that awful book. I really do not have a clue as to how it got rave reviews on Amazon, but for 99 cents, I thought I got a deal. Apparently, it is a hit-or-miss crap-shoot when it comes to books. I managed to finish it, rate it on Amazon and went to bed with no little furry friend to cuddle next to me. Oh well, back to my quiet house and my usual routine. Whenever I get the idea of mentioning that I would love to have another dog, I will have to remember this past weekend's events.... While I loved the attention I got from my little furry guest, I did not appreciate the lack of involvement from my family as well as the pressure that was placed before me to do everything alone... again. This weekend could have been far greater if they did try to enjoy the presence of something more in our house, but I know now that I was being punished.
Well, I figured my little plan would bring my family closer together, having a puppy to care for and all, but I was painfully WRONG. DH held his ground and did absolutely NOTHING over the weekend. No interacting with our furry visitor what-so-ever. DD kept herself in her room all weekend with only a few appearances out of her room to walk our little guest while I was at work on Saturday and to eat. When I was home.... it was just me and that pup. He was my shadow and never left my side. He followed me EVERYWHERE and slept next to me at night. Going to the bathroom alone was no longer an option and trying to cook dinner was a circus act. Of course, our little guest was forlorn over his master leaving him and barely ate, but I was more determined to make sure he ate something. I was the one that went on the longest walks with this little guy so he could trot along happily, having a little adventure here and there. I was the one that crawled on the floor and played for hours on end with stuffed animals, balls and whatnot to entertain him until his master returned.
On the final long walk I took our little guest on, I had time to think and I was not really happy with what I was thinking.... While I am ready for another dog to love and care for, my family is obviously not. DH's resolve to remain detached from the life brought into our home stayed firm and that firmly cemented the notion that we are never going to get the okay to have another dog in our house to call our own. DD's love and affection is random and at random times. The newness of having a dog wore off of her quite quickly and she returned to her teenager ways of being detached from the family and attached to her room with her computer games, cell phone, and solidarity. With zero help from those two over the weekend, I still had to do all the things I normally did when we do not have a dog to tend to. I became quite overwhelmed and quite disappointed in those two, but I definitely learned my lesson..... They may want to like having the notion of having another dog in the house, but they do not want to deal with the responsibility.
So last night, with a heavy heart, I said goodbye to my little furry guest and watched him return to his home with his master and grabbed my book to sit down and finish reading that awful book. I really do not have a clue as to how it got rave reviews on Amazon, but for 99 cents, I thought I got a deal. Apparently, it is a hit-or-miss crap-shoot when it comes to books. I managed to finish it, rate it on Amazon and went to bed with no little furry friend to cuddle next to me. Oh well, back to my quiet house and my usual routine. Whenever I get the idea of mentioning that I would love to have another dog, I will have to remember this past weekend's events.... While I loved the attention I got from my little furry guest, I did not appreciate the lack of involvement from my family as well as the pressure that was placed before me to do everything alone... again. This weekend could have been far greater if they did try to enjoy the presence of something more in our house, but I know now that I was being punished.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
The sounds in the house....
Ever since the passing of my precious pup, Molly, (she was almost 12 years old when she passed by the way), my house fell silent. No more were the sounds of nails tapping on the floors or the sounds of ID tags and the clinking they made when she walked... silence. No more barking at the mailman or the random leaf that skittered across my driveway... silence. The days of having a food bowl pushed across the kitchen floor when it became empty no longer take their path across my floors as well as the knocked over water bowl that splashes water when my Princess Molly demanded more water (since a half full bowl was not acceptable to her)... silence and dry floors have been my life for almost 5 years. While I have been promised a couple of times that I could get another dog, those promises were squashed once a new expense came to the surface (clothes for DD, shoes that needed replacement, a new doctor bill to pay)...
"We just cannot afford the expense of a pet, Nancy", was the excuse every time I brought the subject up.
We used to take little day trips on the weekends and I would drag DH to the pet store to look at all the adorable puppies and sigh. Never to take one out to play with, knowing the answer would be "no", but hoping to soften the resolve that DH has of not getting another puppy to love. I searched pet shelter sites, looking for a puppy and saying a silent prayer for them that they are blessed with a forever family. Wiping the tears from my eyes, knowing that I could never be the "mom" to another 4-legged furry friend of my own. I spend all my nice days outside waiting for a chance to pet a little furbaby when it walks past my house. In fact, there are quite a few people I have gotten to know just by their dogs. For the life of me... I do not know the owner's names, but I know their pet's names. A few dogs love the attention that I give them and the excitement I have to see them and seem to stop in front of my house, looking for me to be outside so they can pull their owners up my driveway to visit me. These little furry friends of mine know the pain I feel of loss and try as they might, give me just a moment of happiness. Kisses, leans and cuddles are plenty. I know all their favorite places to be rubbed and scratched. With a nudge from their cold noses, I get a puppy's farewell and off they go because their masters have things to do and places to go, but I can see in their eyes that they look forward to stopping by again.
Yep, a silent house is where I live.
Every day I am reminded of just that. The ashes of my long lost pup sit in a special place in my house. Her last toy sits on top of my china cabinet, facing the corner window that my pup loved to hang out in. Her collar still hangs in my kitchen as a reminder that I did have an unconditionally loving creature in my house at one time.
While I would just love to go and get another loving creature to love and care for, I just can't. It is not just a financial reason. It is a breed issue. While DD loves dogs as much as I do.... she has allergies to the fur and dander. The only breeds she can have around her for longer than a few hours is the ones that do not shed and need to be groomed often. Adopting just any dog is not possible because of the requirements. DH loved Molly, but she was a German Shepherd, a beautiful one at that, and they are famous for shedding and we cannot get another one. Most non-shedding dogs are small and he wants a big dog. Too manly for a standard sized poodle, too unsure of the mixed breeds of Poodle and Labrador Retrievers, and cringing at the notion of regular grooming visit costs... DH has held firm that we cannot get another dog... ever. Oh, he promised me one a few years back as an anniversary present, but quickly put the plan on a very far back burner... never to be completed. I cried tears of joy when he said I could have another dog, but as the years have passed with no dog to love.... I cry tears of sadness every time I think of yet another day that I live in this silent house. The only reprieve that we have had since our house is so silent is the savings in doctor bills for DD, but even she would rather deal with taking medicine daily in order to have another puppy of our own. Breaks my heart to see her love animals like she does and cannot have one to call her own. DH's cards are stacked far higher than DD's and mine... so... I can only assume we will forever have a quiet home and hold dear the memories of Molly in our hearts forever.
Not all is lost, though. A neighbor that I happen to know has an adorable little pup that visits me often is going to spend the weekend with me at my house. The pup's name is Homer and he is an adventurous little Cock-a-Poo that brings a smile to my face. Once he sees me... he high-tails it to my house to visit, trying with all his might to drag his 6'2" owner with him. He always brings a smile to my face when he does. Well, his owners are needing someone to watch him while they go and attend their daughter's graduation from college in another state. It is just an overnight thing, but thought of me to watch him. They already know that Homer will be completely spoiled once he has to return home, he will be well taken care of and safe. I am thrilled to have him in my house for the night. Just knowing I will hear those familiar sounds in my house again, even if it is for a short while, warms my heart. I know that once he returns to his family, I will once again have a quiet house, but while he is here.... I am going to enjoy every minute. I can only hope that DH sees how happy things will be in our home when Homer is here and finally decides to fill the silence in our house yet again with another furry friend to be part of our family. I seriously doubt it, but I can always hope.
My precious Molly will never be replaced in my heart, but I do have room for another to love. I truly believe she knows it. I just happen to know it will never be. Sentenced to a silent house.
"We just cannot afford the expense of a pet, Nancy", was the excuse every time I brought the subject up.
We used to take little day trips on the weekends and I would drag DH to the pet store to look at all the adorable puppies and sigh. Never to take one out to play with, knowing the answer would be "no", but hoping to soften the resolve that DH has of not getting another puppy to love. I searched pet shelter sites, looking for a puppy and saying a silent prayer for them that they are blessed with a forever family. Wiping the tears from my eyes, knowing that I could never be the "mom" to another 4-legged furry friend of my own. I spend all my nice days outside waiting for a chance to pet a little furbaby when it walks past my house. In fact, there are quite a few people I have gotten to know just by their dogs. For the life of me... I do not know the owner's names, but I know their pet's names. A few dogs love the attention that I give them and the excitement I have to see them and seem to stop in front of my house, looking for me to be outside so they can pull their owners up my driveway to visit me. These little furry friends of mine know the pain I feel of loss and try as they might, give me just a moment of happiness. Kisses, leans and cuddles are plenty. I know all their favorite places to be rubbed and scratched. With a nudge from their cold noses, I get a puppy's farewell and off they go because their masters have things to do and places to go, but I can see in their eyes that they look forward to stopping by again.
Yep, a silent house is where I live.
Every day I am reminded of just that. The ashes of my long lost pup sit in a special place in my house. Her last toy sits on top of my china cabinet, facing the corner window that my pup loved to hang out in. Her collar still hangs in my kitchen as a reminder that I did have an unconditionally loving creature in my house at one time.
While I would just love to go and get another loving creature to love and care for, I just can't. It is not just a financial reason. It is a breed issue. While DD loves dogs as much as I do.... she has allergies to the fur and dander. The only breeds she can have around her for longer than a few hours is the ones that do not shed and need to be groomed often. Adopting just any dog is not possible because of the requirements. DH loved Molly, but she was a German Shepherd, a beautiful one at that, and they are famous for shedding and we cannot get another one. Most non-shedding dogs are small and he wants a big dog. Too manly for a standard sized poodle, too unsure of the mixed breeds of Poodle and Labrador Retrievers, and cringing at the notion of regular grooming visit costs... DH has held firm that we cannot get another dog... ever. Oh, he promised me one a few years back as an anniversary present, but quickly put the plan on a very far back burner... never to be completed. I cried tears of joy when he said I could have another dog, but as the years have passed with no dog to love.... I cry tears of sadness every time I think of yet another day that I live in this silent house. The only reprieve that we have had since our house is so silent is the savings in doctor bills for DD, but even she would rather deal with taking medicine daily in order to have another puppy of our own. Breaks my heart to see her love animals like she does and cannot have one to call her own. DH's cards are stacked far higher than DD's and mine... so... I can only assume we will forever have a quiet home and hold dear the memories of Molly in our hearts forever.
Not all is lost, though. A neighbor that I happen to know has an adorable little pup that visits me often is going to spend the weekend with me at my house. The pup's name is Homer and he is an adventurous little Cock-a-Poo that brings a smile to my face. Once he sees me... he high-tails it to my house to visit, trying with all his might to drag his 6'2" owner with him. He always brings a smile to my face when he does. Well, his owners are needing someone to watch him while they go and attend their daughter's graduation from college in another state. It is just an overnight thing, but thought of me to watch him. They already know that Homer will be completely spoiled once he has to return home, he will be well taken care of and safe. I am thrilled to have him in my house for the night. Just knowing I will hear those familiar sounds in my house again, even if it is for a short while, warms my heart. I know that once he returns to his family, I will once again have a quiet house, but while he is here.... I am going to enjoy every minute. I can only hope that DH sees how happy things will be in our home when Homer is here and finally decides to fill the silence in our house yet again with another furry friend to be part of our family. I seriously doubt it, but I can always hope.
My precious Molly will never be replaced in my heart, but I do have room for another to love. I truly believe she knows it. I just happen to know it will never be. Sentenced to a silent house.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Pick a title: Nice people finish last or June Cleaver loses it... your choice!
UGH! Damned if I do and damned if I don't! I will NEVER try to think of myself first EVER AGAIN! Heck, my actions were not even thinking of myself first, but it sure looked like it... or as I was told.
Of course, it is ALL MY FAULT, anyway. I just can't do anything right. I can make one person happy and manage to piss everyone else off in the process or I try to make everyone else happy and still piss them off at the same time. I have given and given and given to the point that I really do not have much to offer anymore, but yet again someone wants a pound of flesh from me. What makes it even worse is I actually feel worse off for even trying in the first place.
I am the doting mother, wife, daughter, sister, employee and friend, but when it comes down to trying to get a little breathing room.... well, I guess I am not allowed to come up for air. Between the constant little jabs at telling me that the answer to every little request that flows from my lips will always be a resounding "NO", I think I truly suffer from enough verbal abuse that I should never open my mouth, but know that even if I do that... I AM STILL WRONG! I am not allowed to have feelings, I am not allowed to replace anything that happens to break, I am not allowed to treat myself to anything nice, and I sure as heck am not allowed to even get an inch of lenience. Even in social media (as well as my blogging), I have been told I share too much which is apparently wrong, but when I do not share.... I am pummeled with questions and labeled as being too secretive and aloof. There is never a happy middle ground with anyone and I am getting quite frustrated by it.
Nope, nope... I am just a tool; a means to an end. I am the first one to get blamed and the last one, if ever, to get credit for what I sacrifice or even do. I am so well conditioned in feeling guilty... I am now starting to really hate waking up every morning. I don't even get alone time to even sort out my thoughts or to even an opportunity to actually take a full breath of air.
I scrimp and I save every penny I can get my hands on and only spend on necessities for others that even the one thing I manage to get that is strictly for me makes me feel like I am a terrible and greedy person. Of course, I have been told those exact things from time to time. I really do not understand how I can appear greedy when I give to others before I attempt to give to myself. I give them more than I ever happen to take, but I can only guess that I am not allowed to have anything that is strictly for me and that is what makes me appear greedy or selfish. According to other people that feel compelled to tell me what they think (and they do take the liberty to tell me often), I appear to be a martyr and being a martyr is not a healthy way to live. Well guess what? I have no choice in the matter because the one time I tried to think of myself first in a very long time resulted in a guilt trip of all guilt trips. Apparently, it is okay think of myself, but only after thinking of everyone else first and that once I can manage to make them happy.... then, and only then, am I allowed to think of myself. Sadly, nobody in my life is ever happy enough to ease up on me.
I know that I have been told that I have enabled this behavior from everyone around me because I just happen to be a very giving person in the first place, but I really wonder why I am appearing to be the only one that has to do everything on my own. Oh, that's right.... there are expectations put in place and from those that have these expectations, it is apparently too beneath them to even help out once in a while.
It is apparent that there are people that refuse to even step forward and actually do anything of free will. Nobody is capable of stepping up and taking up the slack. Heck, nobody is willing to do something that is apparently necessary to their happiness or contentment in life because it would take effort for Pete's sake and really.... who wants to actually put in effort if there is some willing schmuck to do it for them? The only catch is to make them feel bad all the time when you actually do it yourself once in a blue moon and that seems easier than just stepping up to some folks. DH has mastered that perfectly! Make a tray of ice cubes a few times over the weekend and suddenly he is this only one doing anything around here. Every task is required for me to do from start to finish... Cook a meal and do the cleanup afterwards... clean the clothes and put it away... Pick up the garbage and put it at the curb... Avoid calling a family member because you are in a rotten mood that you would rather not share with another person and you are the selfish, uncaring piece of garbage that never thinks of others. Regardless that there are 2 other siblings that are capable of picking up the phone more than once a month (or year), but choose to live their lives and leave it to me to take care of it. Even if I wanted to avoid sharing my rotten mood, I am WRONG for thinking of their feelings because I did not call, but if I managed to share my rotten mood... I am WRONG because I have an attitude. Heck, I am never in the loop when it comes to my in-laws, either. I find out on the day that something important is happening (or after it happened) and I have no time to be there for them. Well, even if I did manage to put in the effort.... I get looked at as a nuisance and not worthy of sharing the same air. Thanks or apologies never happen, as well as acknowledgement that an effort has been made. I could be blatantly in the right, but not one person can give me credit where credit is due. Nope, I get attitude. I am invisible until they need something from me and when I am visible.... I feel invisible. I work my tail off to get ahead and would believe a little offering of thanks would be in order, but no... just shovel more grunt work and have me cover the checks that others have no way of paying. In other words... making promises you cannot fulfill and get someone else to do it for you, which usually ends up being me to do that and there is no reward for my efforts... just more expectations. Yep, I am the check-cashing, promise fulfilling, sacrifice making pile of crap that can be told to think of myself from time to time, but is never actually allowed to do such a thing.
I get dumped on more than bailed out and as history has proven itself.... it sure as heck is not going to get any better. Between an abysmally slow day at the salon, a house that gets trashed as fast (if not faster) than it gets clean, things of mine getting broken and zero offer to let me replace it (regardless that I use it quite often), as well as items of mine that I managed to earn over the years being "borrowed" and never returned... I can tell you this.... I am now that dog that gets smacked on the nose with the newspaper far too often and for no real reason.
I do not know if it is some divine sense of punishment or it is my destiny to be the slime that trails a snail (you know, the lowest form of existence), but I really would like to have this stop. This recent round of smacking me on the nose with the newspaper is starting to really keep me down and that is not good. The days of plastering a smile on my face in the face of misery is starting to become few and far between and I truly believe that when I do have a smile on my face.... I can keep the friends, family and those that I care about me around. Once I stop smiling.... nobody will want to acknowledge my existence or even want to be around me and I will be far more alone than ever imagined. Heck, with how my attitude is now.... I want to just curl up and hide because even I do not want to be around myself. How can others think I am worthy of being around if I am a perpetual sack of misery? No wonder I never see my friends. I can't even stand myself!
So when it comes to the title choice of: Nice people finishing last or June Cleaver loses it.... you can see that today is not a really good day and tomorrow is looking even less likely of getting better because I just do not think I can keep this up..... If there is a smidgen of kindness in your heart... could you take the time to look around and see if there is someone suffering like me and do something about it? It does not take much... a simple thank you would suffice from time to time. Heck, a hug would be great. I would appreciate that.
Of course, it is ALL MY FAULT, anyway. I just can't do anything right. I can make one person happy and manage to piss everyone else off in the process or I try to make everyone else happy and still piss them off at the same time. I have given and given and given to the point that I really do not have much to offer anymore, but yet again someone wants a pound of flesh from me. What makes it even worse is I actually feel worse off for even trying in the first place.
I am the doting mother, wife, daughter, sister, employee and friend, but when it comes down to trying to get a little breathing room.... well, I guess I am not allowed to come up for air. Between the constant little jabs at telling me that the answer to every little request that flows from my lips will always be a resounding "NO", I think I truly suffer from enough verbal abuse that I should never open my mouth, but know that even if I do that... I AM STILL WRONG! I am not allowed to have feelings, I am not allowed to replace anything that happens to break, I am not allowed to treat myself to anything nice, and I sure as heck am not allowed to even get an inch of lenience. Even in social media (as well as my blogging), I have been told I share too much which is apparently wrong, but when I do not share.... I am pummeled with questions and labeled as being too secretive and aloof. There is never a happy middle ground with anyone and I am getting quite frustrated by it.
Nope, nope... I am just a tool; a means to an end. I am the first one to get blamed and the last one, if ever, to get credit for what I sacrifice or even do. I am so well conditioned in feeling guilty... I am now starting to really hate waking up every morning. I don't even get alone time to even sort out my thoughts or to even an opportunity to actually take a full breath of air.
I scrimp and I save every penny I can get my hands on and only spend on necessities for others that even the one thing I manage to get that is strictly for me makes me feel like I am a terrible and greedy person. Of course, I have been told those exact things from time to time. I really do not understand how I can appear greedy when I give to others before I attempt to give to myself. I give them more than I ever happen to take, but I can only guess that I am not allowed to have anything that is strictly for me and that is what makes me appear greedy or selfish. According to other people that feel compelled to tell me what they think (and they do take the liberty to tell me often), I appear to be a martyr and being a martyr is not a healthy way to live. Well guess what? I have no choice in the matter because the one time I tried to think of myself first in a very long time resulted in a guilt trip of all guilt trips. Apparently, it is okay think of myself, but only after thinking of everyone else first and that once I can manage to make them happy.... then, and only then, am I allowed to think of myself. Sadly, nobody in my life is ever happy enough to ease up on me.
I know that I have been told that I have enabled this behavior from everyone around me because I just happen to be a very giving person in the first place, but I really wonder why I am appearing to be the only one that has to do everything on my own. Oh, that's right.... there are expectations put in place and from those that have these expectations, it is apparently too beneath them to even help out once in a while.
It is apparent that there are people that refuse to even step forward and actually do anything of free will. Nobody is capable of stepping up and taking up the slack. Heck, nobody is willing to do something that is apparently necessary to their happiness or contentment in life because it would take effort for Pete's sake and really.... who wants to actually put in effort if there is some willing schmuck to do it for them? The only catch is to make them feel bad all the time when you actually do it yourself once in a blue moon and that seems easier than just stepping up to some folks. DH has mastered that perfectly! Make a tray of ice cubes a few times over the weekend and suddenly he is this only one doing anything around here. Every task is required for me to do from start to finish... Cook a meal and do the cleanup afterwards... clean the clothes and put it away... Pick up the garbage and put it at the curb... Avoid calling a family member because you are in a rotten mood that you would rather not share with another person and you are the selfish, uncaring piece of garbage that never thinks of others. Regardless that there are 2 other siblings that are capable of picking up the phone more than once a month (or year), but choose to live their lives and leave it to me to take care of it. Even if I wanted to avoid sharing my rotten mood, I am WRONG for thinking of their feelings because I did not call, but if I managed to share my rotten mood... I am WRONG because I have an attitude. Heck, I am never in the loop when it comes to my in-laws, either. I find out on the day that something important is happening (or after it happened) and I have no time to be there for them. Well, even if I did manage to put in the effort.... I get looked at as a nuisance and not worthy of sharing the same air. Thanks or apologies never happen, as well as acknowledgement that an effort has been made. I could be blatantly in the right, but not one person can give me credit where credit is due. Nope, I get attitude. I am invisible until they need something from me and when I am visible.... I feel invisible. I work my tail off to get ahead and would believe a little offering of thanks would be in order, but no... just shovel more grunt work and have me cover the checks that others have no way of paying. In other words... making promises you cannot fulfill and get someone else to do it for you, which usually ends up being me to do that and there is no reward for my efforts... just more expectations. Yep, I am the check-cashing, promise fulfilling, sacrifice making pile of crap that can be told to think of myself from time to time, but is never actually allowed to do such a thing.
I get dumped on more than bailed out and as history has proven itself.... it sure as heck is not going to get any better. Between an abysmally slow day at the salon, a house that gets trashed as fast (if not faster) than it gets clean, things of mine getting broken and zero offer to let me replace it (regardless that I use it quite often), as well as items of mine that I managed to earn over the years being "borrowed" and never returned... I can tell you this.... I am now that dog that gets smacked on the nose with the newspaper far too often and for no real reason.
I do not know if it is some divine sense of punishment or it is my destiny to be the slime that trails a snail (you know, the lowest form of existence), but I really would like to have this stop. This recent round of smacking me on the nose with the newspaper is starting to really keep me down and that is not good. The days of plastering a smile on my face in the face of misery is starting to become few and far between and I truly believe that when I do have a smile on my face.... I can keep the friends, family and those that I care about me around. Once I stop smiling.... nobody will want to acknowledge my existence or even want to be around me and I will be far more alone than ever imagined. Heck, with how my attitude is now.... I want to just curl up and hide because even I do not want to be around myself. How can others think I am worthy of being around if I am a perpetual sack of misery? No wonder I never see my friends. I can't even stand myself!
So when it comes to the title choice of: Nice people finishing last or June Cleaver loses it.... you can see that today is not a really good day and tomorrow is looking even less likely of getting better because I just do not think I can keep this up..... If there is a smidgen of kindness in your heart... could you take the time to look around and see if there is someone suffering like me and do something about it? It does not take much... a simple thank you would suffice from time to time. Heck, a hug would be great. I would appreciate that.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Home sweet home???
Oh, to live a day in the life of a person who resides in a flood-prone area! I am telling you.... it is certainly living the dream! Let me share with you what a rainy day consists for me in my place that I call home....
With knowledge of rain coming this way.... we spend a fair amount of time watching the Doppler Radar on either the Weather Channel or on Weather.com and pay close attention to the pretty colors that range in shades of green, yellow, orange and red. With a keen eye and a fair amount of guesstimating where our town sits on the map... we (meaning DH and myself) contemplate the need to venture outside in the rain and manually close the sewer line to our house. Neither of us really want to be out there since the shut off valve is hidden in the front bushes, but... one of us will be determined enough to just do it. Of course, we announce the final bathroom run for the day, night or whenever we are to embark on shutting our house off from using any running water.....
Then, we spend our day, evening or whatever keeping a keen eye on the lone drain in our laundry room to see if the water in that drain pipe rises and pray that it stays below ground level. Of course, while the rain continues outside, there is really no guarantee that the water will not rise....
This is that drain. We removed the pretty cover so we can shine a flashlight down it to see if the water is rising. Obviously, this picture does not offer any justice since the water level is roughly a fraction of an inch from overflowing (and we closed the sewer valve over 12 hours earlier so we can try to sleep a little at night while it continues to rain outside). When it does happen to overflow.... we have at least a chance to grab the nearby shop vac and start pumping the crap before it can flow on over to our finished basement. Sadly, we have become professionals at sewer cleanup when we failed to follow the first two usual steps of watching the radar and closing the valve before the water rises. With that in mind.... we watch the sump pump pushing water out of our crawl space. With 2 pumps at the ready.... we pay attention to how many are running. We have one that is hard-wired with electricity and a secondary that has a battery backup set to run if the main one cannot keep up...
That is where the "fun" begins.... There is nothing else we can do except watch the rain water accumulate on the streets and the nearby creek that is roughly a block away. With the new larger storm drains in place from a few years back (several to be exact), we all keep an eye out for our neighbors and try to help them keep the water at bay for their homes. The street gets blocked off with barriers once the waters rise, one neighbor resorts to pumping the accumulating water to the overflowing creeks to try to avoid water entering his home while another sadly forgot to pay attention to the weather and is pumping out the flooding in their basement. The local reservoir is filling fast and all anyone can do is wait it out once all their current preventative measures are done....
Signs in place...
Pumps running...
The overflowing creek....
With knowledge of rain coming this way.... we spend a fair amount of time watching the Doppler Radar on either the Weather Channel or on Weather.com and pay close attention to the pretty colors that range in shades of green, yellow, orange and red. With a keen eye and a fair amount of guesstimating where our town sits on the map... we (meaning DH and myself) contemplate the need to venture outside in the rain and manually close the sewer line to our house. Neither of us really want to be out there since the shut off valve is hidden in the front bushes, but... one of us will be determined enough to just do it. Of course, we announce the final bathroom run for the day, night or whenever we are to embark on shutting our house off from using any running water.....
And here we are.... looking at the local reservoir threatening to back flow on to one of the main streets in town. I took this picture an hour ago when I went to get myself a king-sized candy bar.... Yep, when I get stressed I run for chocolate. The level of stress is based upon the size of the chocolate I get. Fun size is just a taste on my easy days and a king-size is when I try to laugh instead of cry from the frustration and just to think.... Spring showers are only a small part of the flood watching season. I get to do this again in the fall, too.... oh, and when we get a real huge rainfall in the summer and when we have a huge snowfall melting too fast.....
Since there is mention of this rain not ending for a couple more days, I have to figure how to shower, wash dishes, clean my house, and avoid the stench from unflushed toilets for a couple more days (or until things start to dry out a little outside). I think ordering pizza, paper plates, plastic cutlery, and visits to the local Y are in order for me. On the bright side of all of this is I have lakefront property only part of the year and I get to feel like I am camping without the inconvenience of leaving my house. Oh, and if I am really lucky.... we might still have power for this. The sound of the generator running really gives me a headache and I really hate carrying gas cans in the back of my truck.
Have a great day everyone!
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
I am so close to being done it is even scaring me!
There are days I feel as if there is a HUGE neon target tacked to my back that reads.... "Judgmental doormat here: Wipe your self-righteous feet here and unleash the toxic tidal wave because this one is too nice to talk back." Really? Am I the only one that gets nitpicked at like a vulture picking at the bones of a carcass? Heck, I have no more meat to pick at, but I seem to be that carcass that is the first choice to pick at and the only one not left alone to just turn into dust.
I open my mouth and I am wrong... I don't open my mouth and I am still wrong!
Whoops.... I am blogging now and apparently I am wrong for doing that, too!
Oh, SNAP! I have friends, but I cannot be seen with them in pictures on a social site because my seldom opportunities of going out makes me look like an alcoholic or a fool. Oh, that's right.... I can have friends, but I cannot spend time with them, either.
Free thought is not free when you have an army of unhappy people just itching to pounce on you whenever you even think of sharing a thought, joke, or even a tidbit of something remotely exciting or happy in my life. While I would just love to have a form of release that does not result in either a face-to-face smack down or a phone call that sets my teeth on edge... I know that I will forever be under the microscope somewhere by someone just itching to call me out on even the most minuscule of actions. Heck, even an inaction would be cause for nitpicking. I am alive, but not allowed to live it the way I choose to. Nope, it appears that others want to do the choosing for me.
Why stop there?? The toxic tidal wave of judgmental people happen to have an expansive view of things. I apparently never do enough, but when I try... I get knocked down for trying. In fact, when it comes to housework, I can clean to the point that I have no fingerprints left on my fingertips and there will be someone in the shadows making yet another mess for me to deal with since I apparently enjoy being looked upon as someone that apparently does nothing but eat chocolates on the couch all day and spends money like a drunken sailor on leave. Which, by the way, is not the case at all.
If it is not being judged by what I say, don't say, do and don't do... I am judged by what I wear, what I eat, how I look, my body shape, how I speak, and probably how I breathe. You see, there are people that have specialties in the realm of being nitpicking, toxic attitude sharing creatures. Some I know and many I don't. Complete strangers are judgmental people. That is where the adage of saying, "judging a book by its cover", comes from. Heck, when it comes to being judgmental... it is really only a black-or-white viewpoint with their beliefs that their views and opinions are the only right ones.
What is more frustrating is how certain people have the power to constantly badger another person into submission that they are no longer allowed to act freely because of the constant nitpicking and opinions that are tossed at them. I am not sure if this tendency is stemmed from constantly being so miserable that they can only feel better when they make those around them just as miserable, but I can only assume that is why. The curious nature in me wonders if those people ever had a happy moment in their lives to actually stop making others so tense and unsure of themselves.
I mean, I really have no problems with opinionated people. I can be opinionated from time to time. It is when that opinionated person has no off switch that bothers me. I mean, I get it that they are not happy in their environment, but does it always need to be a battle to have a normal conversation? Can these miserable people find the silver lining a little more than always feeling like the sky is perpetually falling? No one person is perfect and they are not meant to be, but could these judgmental people appreciate that tidbit of knowledge? While I know that the hidden meaning behind the judgmental behavior is because they care too much, I just hoped that these people would allow those that they care about the opportunity to at least experience life on their own terms? Isn't that what life is all about? It is about experiences taken and lessons learned, right? It is about taking risks and blind leaps of faith to actually co-exist with others. We all have faults and we all make mistakes, but being constantly told what to do does break the spirit of a person as well as limit our choices between what is right and what is wrong.
After years of being nitpicked and told how to act has finally taken its toll on the once vibrant person I once was. I am constantly fearful of upsetting another person and I second guess everything I say and do. I am though, getting to the point that I will just snap and not care what others think or I will completely shut down and not even try to live my life. Trust me.... both are very extreme and not balanced in any way. It is probably better described as this.... I will either become a person in everyone's face or I will try to curl up into the smallest ball possible with hopes of disappearing. Neither one is really who I am or would like to become, but the opportunity is there. I just really do not want to anger everyone in my path and I really do not want to cut myself off socially, but the line is starting to be drawn and the fine line that divides the two is getting finer by the minute. There will be no balancing act if this keeps up and that scares me even more. I can only hope that those people that appear to be so critical to how I should live my life can see this shift in my attitude to back off for a while and let me learn how to live my life my way or they will suffer the consequences from their actions. Trust me when I say this..... it will not be pretty nor what they hoped for.
I open my mouth and I am wrong... I don't open my mouth and I am still wrong!
Whoops.... I am blogging now and apparently I am wrong for doing that, too!
Oh, SNAP! I have friends, but I cannot be seen with them in pictures on a social site because my seldom opportunities of going out makes me look like an alcoholic or a fool. Oh, that's right.... I can have friends, but I cannot spend time with them, either.
Free thought is not free when you have an army of unhappy people just itching to pounce on you whenever you even think of sharing a thought, joke, or even a tidbit of something remotely exciting or happy in my life. While I would just love to have a form of release that does not result in either a face-to-face smack down or a phone call that sets my teeth on edge... I know that I will forever be under the microscope somewhere by someone just itching to call me out on even the most minuscule of actions. Heck, even an inaction would be cause for nitpicking. I am alive, but not allowed to live it the way I choose to. Nope, it appears that others want to do the choosing for me.
Why stop there?? The toxic tidal wave of judgmental people happen to have an expansive view of things. I apparently never do enough, but when I try... I get knocked down for trying. In fact, when it comes to housework, I can clean to the point that I have no fingerprints left on my fingertips and there will be someone in the shadows making yet another mess for me to deal with since I apparently enjoy being looked upon as someone that apparently does nothing but eat chocolates on the couch all day and spends money like a drunken sailor on leave. Which, by the way, is not the case at all.
If it is not being judged by what I say, don't say, do and don't do... I am judged by what I wear, what I eat, how I look, my body shape, how I speak, and probably how I breathe. You see, there are people that have specialties in the realm of being nitpicking, toxic attitude sharing creatures. Some I know and many I don't. Complete strangers are judgmental people. That is where the adage of saying, "judging a book by its cover", comes from. Heck, when it comes to being judgmental... it is really only a black-or-white viewpoint with their beliefs that their views and opinions are the only right ones.
What is more frustrating is how certain people have the power to constantly badger another person into submission that they are no longer allowed to act freely because of the constant nitpicking and opinions that are tossed at them. I am not sure if this tendency is stemmed from constantly being so miserable that they can only feel better when they make those around them just as miserable, but I can only assume that is why. The curious nature in me wonders if those people ever had a happy moment in their lives to actually stop making others so tense and unsure of themselves.
I mean, I really have no problems with opinionated people. I can be opinionated from time to time. It is when that opinionated person has no off switch that bothers me. I mean, I get it that they are not happy in their environment, but does it always need to be a battle to have a normal conversation? Can these miserable people find the silver lining a little more than always feeling like the sky is perpetually falling? No one person is perfect and they are not meant to be, but could these judgmental people appreciate that tidbit of knowledge? While I know that the hidden meaning behind the judgmental behavior is because they care too much, I just hoped that these people would allow those that they care about the opportunity to at least experience life on their own terms? Isn't that what life is all about? It is about experiences taken and lessons learned, right? It is about taking risks and blind leaps of faith to actually co-exist with others. We all have faults and we all make mistakes, but being constantly told what to do does break the spirit of a person as well as limit our choices between what is right and what is wrong.
After years of being nitpicked and told how to act has finally taken its toll on the once vibrant person I once was. I am constantly fearful of upsetting another person and I second guess everything I say and do. I am though, getting to the point that I will just snap and not care what others think or I will completely shut down and not even try to live my life. Trust me.... both are very extreme and not balanced in any way. It is probably better described as this.... I will either become a person in everyone's face or I will try to curl up into the smallest ball possible with hopes of disappearing. Neither one is really who I am or would like to become, but the opportunity is there. I just really do not want to anger everyone in my path and I really do not want to cut myself off socially, but the line is starting to be drawn and the fine line that divides the two is getting finer by the minute. There will be no balancing act if this keeps up and that scares me even more. I can only hope that those people that appear to be so critical to how I should live my life can see this shift in my attitude to back off for a while and let me learn how to live my life my way or they will suffer the consequences from their actions. Trust me when I say this..... it will not be pretty nor what they hoped for.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Simple things in a complex world.....
When it comes down to what a person needs and what a person wants.... I happened to notice that things are far more simple these days. Well, at least when it comes to me. Really, not that much makes me fairly happy... in fact, I appear to be quite simple to figure out. I just wonder why it is so hard to obtain these simple things.... Oh, that's right.... NOTHING is simple these days.
When it boils down to what makes me happy.... there really is not that much effort necessary. Gift giving is even easier, but according to DH.... I am apparently the most difficult person to shop for. That, my friends, is so far from the truth and I can now explain it with the greatest of ease......
I was raised to appreciate everything that is offered to me. It is far easier to appreciate something when you pay attention to the thought behind it than the actual item offered. In the grand scheme of things.... it is far greater to be thought of freely than forced to think about. I taught DD the same concept that any gift that is stemmed from a heartfelt thought about you is something to appreciate. No matter how the initial thought of the item may be. Hey, that sweater might look ugly to you, but someone put in some heartfelt thought that you might actually like it and you should appreciate the sentiment that they thought of you in the first place.
While it is known that diamonds are a girl's best friend, I would be just as happy with a six-pack of beer and a friend to share it with. In comparison, the price range between these two gifts (or offerings if you want to call it that), is far from being equal. Diamonds are expensive, but having a beer with a friend is priceless. Flowers, chocolates, cards, and such are okay, but offer me something that can give me far happier memories is the most priceless gift this simple girl could ask for. Every hand-made card from DD has more value to me than any store-bought item because the sentiment comes from the heart. A simple note telling me that you are thinking of me is the most valuable thing I could possibly ask for and that is because I have something tangible to look back upon when I feel alone or unappreciated. Heck, I still have a small note that DH wrote me when I was dating him that said the nicest things just because he took the time to actually write it out. I even remember what the reason was for his little note. I was having a really bad series of events happening to me and he wanted to let me know that he cared and was there for me if I needed him. I still have tears in my eyes whenever I think about it. I might sound sappy about that, but deep down I am a sappy person.
Just last week, my best friend sends me a cryptic text about a super secret surprise that I was to keep. As she shared with me what the secret was in bits and pieces.... I was fearing that I could not contain the excitement that was bubbling under the surface. The secret started with the knowledge that her little brother was getting married in less than a week and her soon to be sister-in-law needed someone to do her hair and I was considered for the job. Now, you have to realize that my best friend happens to live in Las Vegas, Nevada, and so does her little brother and his fiance'. Thinking that I was getting a ticket to go there to do her hair had me excited about the notion of going there. Of course, that was not the case because they were coming back to Illinois to get married. Okay, I was a little sad that I did not get to go there, but I was still thrilled that I was considered for the job. After the excitement of going to see my best friend started to wind down, my cell phone rang and the conversation continued with my best friend. That is when the excitement started all over again because she called to tell me that she was also coming back to Illinois for the wedding, but needed a place to crash since her little brother and his fiance' thought she could not swing the time off from her job as well as the air fare to attend the wedding and since she did manage... she wanted to surprise them. While it would have been awesome to go somewhere different to see my best friend.... I was equally thrilled that she was coming here and that I got a chance to spend some quality time with her. Of course, I did get a serious nudge to get my Spring cleaning started with a vengeance because my spare bedroom looked like a storage locker with nowhere for her to sleep. I only had a few days to prepare for her arrival and trust me.... I worked like a crazed woman to be prepared for her arrival. Her stay was short, but appreciated and the surprise for her little brother and now new sister-in-law went off without a hitch. Even spending a little time with my best friend's little brother was a cherished memory since it has been years since I have seen him last. The laughs we shared on his wedding day are going to be definitely remembered for years.
Now, onward to probably the one thing I would really love to do and hope that DH sees it as a simple request to fulfill..... I would really love to take a trip to see my best friend where she now lives. Well, on the surface it seems simple, but I already know that it is far more difficult to accomplish and here is the reasoning behind it.....
It would be simple to just take a little time (a few days) to jump on a plane and fly to Nevada to see them. I was invited to stay at their place for the duration and the cost of doing things would be fairly reasonable. I am not a thrill seeker and eating home cooked meals are just fine for me. I do not have expensive tastes and I am not a huge fan of shopping... so it would cost me very little to be there. The problems are as follows...... The cost of air fare to get there: we just do not have the surplus of money to spend for that.... and even if we did find a cheap fare.... it is being away from my family for a few days. I believe that I have enabled my family to rely upon me far too much to just pack up and go for more than a day. DH has never been required to do too much when it came to caring for DD and has no clue what to do with a teenager. Now, DD is currently a teenager, but she is not old enough to drive herself places that she needs to go to, but she can be self-sufficient to a degree. Neither can really cook and it would make me sick to my stomach what they would be eating (or not eating) while I am away. Since this trip would probably be over a weekend, it would be safe to say that the normal rhythm of the routine would be severely disrupted because of two things..... 1. The grocery shopping would not get done because neither one can really cook anything and there would be no guarantee that it would be done since when I return I would be cooking with missing ingredients (meaning: they have no clue what we need to make anything), and 2. DH hates driving and would just blow off getting the groceries, but will not let me do the shopping trip alone because since I gave him the "big boy pill", we now shop as a family every week to keep the budget in check. I do know that since neither one can cook, it will be painfully prevalent that neither one will clean while I am away. While I am capable of doing that once I return.... it is a guarantee that I will be stunned into paralysis from the magnitude of the mess left for me to clean up and it will take me far longer to get caught up. Of course, I also have the job of being the buffer between these two and I have my doubts that these two can avoid arguing while I am gone. With DH's track record of making things painfully uncomfortable with DD's track record of not avoiding confrontation.... I fear that my teenage daughter would be kicked out of the house while I am gone. Heck, I know that my enabling ways makes me fearful of leaving my home and that is seriously not healthy. While it would be even easier to just take DD with me, I am still stuck with the same issues of money and the natural flow of things at home being disrupted. Even if I could convince DH to go with us as a family trip.... I know I would be fighting a no-win battle because DH rarely likes to do things I like to do and going to see my best friend is not a big draw for him to be thrilled to go. I would hear about how we just cannot afford to go take a family trip and he just cannot pick up and take one since his garage is down to a skeleton crew and his mind would be elsewhere the whole time.
You see? Simple stuff, but can get complicated quite easily. It just would be nice that all simple things can be as simple as they appear and not so complicated. At least when it comes down to a simple thing like a note that speaks from the heart... it cannot be all that difficult, right? Maybe I have this all wrong.... Maybe even the most simple things are the most difficult. I guess I need to think this through just a little more, but alas I have things to do. Laundry does not do itself, nor does the housework. Thanks for reading and have a great day!
When it boils down to what makes me happy.... there really is not that much effort necessary. Gift giving is even easier, but according to DH.... I am apparently the most difficult person to shop for. That, my friends, is so far from the truth and I can now explain it with the greatest of ease......
I was raised to appreciate everything that is offered to me. It is far easier to appreciate something when you pay attention to the thought behind it than the actual item offered. In the grand scheme of things.... it is far greater to be thought of freely than forced to think about. I taught DD the same concept that any gift that is stemmed from a heartfelt thought about you is something to appreciate. No matter how the initial thought of the item may be. Hey, that sweater might look ugly to you, but someone put in some heartfelt thought that you might actually like it and you should appreciate the sentiment that they thought of you in the first place.
While it is known that diamonds are a girl's best friend, I would be just as happy with a six-pack of beer and a friend to share it with. In comparison, the price range between these two gifts (or offerings if you want to call it that), is far from being equal. Diamonds are expensive, but having a beer with a friend is priceless. Flowers, chocolates, cards, and such are okay, but offer me something that can give me far happier memories is the most priceless gift this simple girl could ask for. Every hand-made card from DD has more value to me than any store-bought item because the sentiment comes from the heart. A simple note telling me that you are thinking of me is the most valuable thing I could possibly ask for and that is because I have something tangible to look back upon when I feel alone or unappreciated. Heck, I still have a small note that DH wrote me when I was dating him that said the nicest things just because he took the time to actually write it out. I even remember what the reason was for his little note. I was having a really bad series of events happening to me and he wanted to let me know that he cared and was there for me if I needed him. I still have tears in my eyes whenever I think about it. I might sound sappy about that, but deep down I am a sappy person.
Just last week, my best friend sends me a cryptic text about a super secret surprise that I was to keep. As she shared with me what the secret was in bits and pieces.... I was fearing that I could not contain the excitement that was bubbling under the surface. The secret started with the knowledge that her little brother was getting married in less than a week and her soon to be sister-in-law needed someone to do her hair and I was considered for the job. Now, you have to realize that my best friend happens to live in Las Vegas, Nevada, and so does her little brother and his fiance'. Thinking that I was getting a ticket to go there to do her hair had me excited about the notion of going there. Of course, that was not the case because they were coming back to Illinois to get married. Okay, I was a little sad that I did not get to go there, but I was still thrilled that I was considered for the job. After the excitement of going to see my best friend started to wind down, my cell phone rang and the conversation continued with my best friend. That is when the excitement started all over again because she called to tell me that she was also coming back to Illinois for the wedding, but needed a place to crash since her little brother and his fiance' thought she could not swing the time off from her job as well as the air fare to attend the wedding and since she did manage... she wanted to surprise them. While it would have been awesome to go somewhere different to see my best friend.... I was equally thrilled that she was coming here and that I got a chance to spend some quality time with her. Of course, I did get a serious nudge to get my Spring cleaning started with a vengeance because my spare bedroom looked like a storage locker with nowhere for her to sleep. I only had a few days to prepare for her arrival and trust me.... I worked like a crazed woman to be prepared for her arrival. Her stay was short, but appreciated and the surprise for her little brother and now new sister-in-law went off without a hitch. Even spending a little time with my best friend's little brother was a cherished memory since it has been years since I have seen him last. The laughs we shared on his wedding day are going to be definitely remembered for years.
Now, onward to probably the one thing I would really love to do and hope that DH sees it as a simple request to fulfill..... I would really love to take a trip to see my best friend where she now lives. Well, on the surface it seems simple, but I already know that it is far more difficult to accomplish and here is the reasoning behind it.....
It would be simple to just take a little time (a few days) to jump on a plane and fly to Nevada to see them. I was invited to stay at their place for the duration and the cost of doing things would be fairly reasonable. I am not a thrill seeker and eating home cooked meals are just fine for me. I do not have expensive tastes and I am not a huge fan of shopping... so it would cost me very little to be there. The problems are as follows...... The cost of air fare to get there: we just do not have the surplus of money to spend for that.... and even if we did find a cheap fare.... it is being away from my family for a few days. I believe that I have enabled my family to rely upon me far too much to just pack up and go for more than a day. DH has never been required to do too much when it came to caring for DD and has no clue what to do with a teenager. Now, DD is currently a teenager, but she is not old enough to drive herself places that she needs to go to, but she can be self-sufficient to a degree. Neither can really cook and it would make me sick to my stomach what they would be eating (or not eating) while I am away. Since this trip would probably be over a weekend, it would be safe to say that the normal rhythm of the routine would be severely disrupted because of two things..... 1. The grocery shopping would not get done because neither one can really cook anything and there would be no guarantee that it would be done since when I return I would be cooking with missing ingredients (meaning: they have no clue what we need to make anything), and 2. DH hates driving and would just blow off getting the groceries, but will not let me do the shopping trip alone because since I gave him the "big boy pill", we now shop as a family every week to keep the budget in check. I do know that since neither one can cook, it will be painfully prevalent that neither one will clean while I am away. While I am capable of doing that once I return.... it is a guarantee that I will be stunned into paralysis from the magnitude of the mess left for me to clean up and it will take me far longer to get caught up. Of course, I also have the job of being the buffer between these two and I have my doubts that these two can avoid arguing while I am gone. With DH's track record of making things painfully uncomfortable with DD's track record of not avoiding confrontation.... I fear that my teenage daughter would be kicked out of the house while I am gone. Heck, I know that my enabling ways makes me fearful of leaving my home and that is seriously not healthy. While it would be even easier to just take DD with me, I am still stuck with the same issues of money and the natural flow of things at home being disrupted. Even if I could convince DH to go with us as a family trip.... I know I would be fighting a no-win battle because DH rarely likes to do things I like to do and going to see my best friend is not a big draw for him to be thrilled to go. I would hear about how we just cannot afford to go take a family trip and he just cannot pick up and take one since his garage is down to a skeleton crew and his mind would be elsewhere the whole time.
You see? Simple stuff, but can get complicated quite easily. It just would be nice that all simple things can be as simple as they appear and not so complicated. At least when it comes down to a simple thing like a note that speaks from the heart... it cannot be all that difficult, right? Maybe I have this all wrong.... Maybe even the most simple things are the most difficult. I guess I need to think this through just a little more, but alas I have things to do. Laundry does not do itself, nor does the housework. Thanks for reading and have a great day!
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