Going to the source.... (part 1)

As the saying goes.... "Whenever you assume, you make an ass out of you and me".  I can only guess that saying could apply if you decide to research something that could possibly be a result from something else and get either too much information or too many optional outcomes from the vast information offered.

I can only assume (hahaha assuming), that you are scratching your head in wonder for what I am about to share with you.  Well, here is what I have so far and I have plans of doing to the source in just a little while so I can get the facts.

Well, I have had a month of dental visits that I was not all that thrilled about.  I was in agony for weeks prior to Mother's Day to get me to snap and state that I needed to go to the dentist.  The right side of my face was killing me and eating was no longer enjoyable.  In fact, the thought of chewing anything was a feared thing. so of I had the choice to eat or starve... I would have chosen starving, but my body refuses to agree with my mind.  Well, I went to the dentist and had two teeth on the upper right side tended to.  One was to replace a worn old filling and the other was for a cavity I somehow got.  Most likely from my perpetual sweet tooth, but I assumed that regular brushing, flossing and rinsing would have prevented that. Yep, an assumption that still landed me in the dentist chair.  I was feeling loads better after getting that fixed, but I was painfully tender in my cheek and gums where the dental work was done, it took me almost 2 weeks to feel "normal" again.  According to the dentist, getting any dental work beyond a regular cleaning is considered trauma to the mouth and will eventually heal.  It depends upon the individual to how long it takes for the healing process to complete.

After I started to feel back to some semblance of pain free, I managed to land some terrible pain on the left side of my mouth.  I have no clue what happened, but an old filling snapped out of a crown that had a second root canal done in it.  Yep, a 20-something year old root canal was done wrong and I happen to be that special breed of person to have an elusive extra nerve that was not tended to.  That second root canal was done years ago (5 to be exact) and I managed to pop put the filling in that crown, but wondered how I could still feel pain.  Well, let me tell you kiddies.....  the nerves in the teeth/mouth have zero rhyme or reason to where the pain is actually from.  It can be the next tooth over or a tooth below it.  That was my issue.  I apparently cracked a tooth's surface.  Not enough, but over time, it became a cavity to deal with someday and that someday was yesterday.  Along with that tooth, I had the start of yet another small cavity.  Yep, that sweet tooth is going to be the death of me!

With that knowledge in mind, my dentist proceeded to fix the missing fill to that crown and treat via drilling and filling the two cavities.  One was on the upper part of my mouth and the other was on the lower.  Fortunately. it was on only one side of my mouth, but getting multiple shots of Novocaine is not fun, let me tell you that.  Needless to say....  everything is done and I am feeling better except for one thing.

This "trauma", or so it is called is being dealt with yet again.  Just because of the recent work.  I learned my lesson and have been taking 3 Advil 2 times a day, starting with the first dose just before the Novocaine wore off.  It was nice to not be in pain when that glorious stuff wore off.  I figured I have a fighting chance to having a better experience in healing this time around, but alas, I have a new concern facing me.  I am swollen on the outside of my cheek, right about where the dentist put a shot inside my cheek.  It itches a little, but I think it is more psycho-semantic because I took it upon myself to look on line what are the signs of having an allergy to Novocaine are.

Dumb move on my part because the information is so vague that I am picking and choosing what I think my situation holds.  It states something like... swollen area of injection (check), itching in area of injection site (check?  It did not itch earlier, but now I feel an itch coming on), heart palpitations (nope), shaking (nope), fever (no fever, but it is 80 degrees outside and I do feel a little hot, but I doubt I have a fever), difficulty breathing (my allergies are in full bloom, but nowhere near having it be difficult to breathe... just a stuffy nose),  anaphylactic shock or death, (oh Hell no!  Still on this side of the sod, Thank GOD!)

Yep, definitely wondering....  do I consider this little firm bump on my cheek as a cushion for healing from the shot or do I look at this as an allergic reaction and freak out every time I get some dental work done.  Of course, there are alternatives out there that I might fare better with, but I am not even sure that this is an allergic reaction.  Would my dentist know?  I would think so.  Have I confronted him with my recent findings?  Not yet.  I need to know more and would rather get it from the source because if I am to know the truth.....  I better get it from a person rather than a website that is required to notate every possible scenario that could happen and allow me to choose if it is what it could be or not.

Ever hear those commercials for anti-depressant medications?  Heck, it can be about any pharmaceutical to treat one thing or another.  It is that disclosure of potential side effects and believe me..... I would seriously consider dealing with some of the condition to be treated than deal with the side effects of the treatment.  I remember reading the potential side effects of a medication that I was asked to take and the contradictions were head scratching to say the least....  possible weight gain or weight loss is one that has me wonder.  If I could choose, I would opt for the weight loss selection, but alas, I don't get to choose.... the medicine and my body's reaction chooses for me.

Well, the dentist office is open.  I am going to stop by and see what he thinks about my cheek.  Better to get this information from the source than assume the worst.  I'll keep you posted with my findings.

Thanks for reading.

If ya ain't got nothin' nice,new, funny or interesting to say.....

Okay, I'll admit it....

I am not social network savvy.  I lack the guts to post just anything for the world to see.  Well, that is not necessarily true...  I do blog about stuff.  Probably because I have more of an opportunity to share a bit more and not clog up the news feed with trivial stuff.  Oh, who am I kidding???  I know exactly why I do not share as much as others on Facebook.....

My life is not all that exciting.  I mean, I can post my thoughts on the weather, but a fair number of my local friends already do that.  I could share news stories that affected me, but it has already been shared by another.  I could mention every little thing I do throughout the day, but really... who is that interested in if I went to the grocery store, the pharmacy or the gas station?  Doesn't everyone do that stuff on any given day?  I could mention I went to work, but everyone works, too.  I rarely complain about what I do because I really have no complaints about any of it.  If I did complain.... I guarantee you I would get a phone call and a severe ear-bending about being too open on a social site.  I lack quirky things to share since my brand of humor happens when it happens and repeating it for the world to see loses its humor the second time around.  I could post pictures of places, of myself and the things I happen to come across that seem funny, but I have seen far too many people abusing the idea.  Some people even appear to look needy for attention or compliments.  I would rather get a compliment to my face than a single click of "like" to hold dear.  I can only guess it boils down to acceptance from the masses.  Not everyone likes an attention whore and with every attempt to share on a social site.... I feel I am being just that.... an attention whore.

Especially when life lacks the happy, sappy good vibes.  I mean, I am not so happy about everything that I have rainbows shooting out of my backside, nor am I so miserable that I rain on everyone's parade.  I am just a simple, middle of the road, average kind-of contentment that everyone seems to have.  Sure, I would love to keep in touch with everyone I know.  I would love to share all of that randomness that others are so good at, but alas, I am stunted in that area.

With recent events regarding my discomfort when it comes to my teeth, my back, and any other general health topic...  I really do not have all that much to share that is worthy of anyone commenting.  Sure, I appreciate the "I hope you feel better soon" comments, but really.... who really wants to hear that today I am cursed with another toothache after already seeing the dentist?  Or that his office is apparently closed on Wednesdays and I have been subjected to repeat doses of Advil and Oragel while I wait for his office to finally open and hope he can see me ASAP?  Who really cares that it is so frustrating that once things seem to level off on the home front to have everything go to Hell in a hand basket?

Sure, I read books.  In fact, I read a lot of books.  I think I have actually lost count since I did not keep track as well as I should have, but who really wants to know that?  Or that I am painfully still hooked in romantic fiction and suffer whenever I try to read a mystery or a thriller?  It is pretty darn pathetic that I cannot get over the fact that I can't think of one worthwhile thing to share with my friends and I am truly afraid of ruffling someone's feathers over an opinion I may or may not have.

I am fully aware of the watchful eyes of others that judge what I share, but I really do not have all that much that requires sharing.  I pop on to the social site and end up playing games while I see the pictures and the lives of my friends being shared to the world.  Everyone manages to find something to share, but I cannot figure an original thing to share that has not been repeated a few dozen times by other people.  Am I really striving to be so original at everything I do and say?  I don't think so, but there are times I do believe I try.

I know that my friends do not judge me with what I share.  Well, most of my friends anyway.  There are a select few that feel it is their job to shove me under a rock with the judgmental stabs they have honed over the years.  I rarely go out because I really cannot afford all the events being offered my way.  In fact, I have seen a serious decrease in invites lately because I cannot commit to everything out there.  Heck, I have responsibilities placed before me that I take quite seriously and one tiny slip-up will be a guarantee blow-up in my face.  Being reliable but not always available is definitely frustrating when I want to be everywhere and do far more things, but I just can't.  I am starting to believe that it is going to start affecting friendships and family.  I hate drama and I do my best to avoid it, but when it does happen....  I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am to blame somewhere.  Is this a healthy way to live?  I don't think so, but it is the best I can offer at this time.  I only hope and pray it is enough to let me keep the friends I have and keep my family happy because I do not have it in me to do more or less to change it.  I already know that it will never be enough and not everyone will be all that happy with me.

Even my blogging is hitting a brick wall.  I have roughly a half dozen ideas I started to share and stopped in mid-thought because I feel that I am lacking something in my writing or what I share is not all that interesting. Not that I always want to be the center of attention or presenting the next greatest blog out there, but how do I share a thought without second-guessing it every stinking time?  I look at what I started and hover my cursor over the delete option.  I am remaining vigilant in just hitting publish and share for this blog because I am trying to let the chips fall where they may.  Chances are, I will feel a little ill over doing just that, but I know I will overcome that sick feeling later.  Just waiting for the phone to ring with yet another contradiction in sharing my thoughts since not sharing results in a phone call as well as sharing and getting an opinion about what I managed to share.

Oh well, I figured I would try and share some thought, let people know I am still alive and as this is not all that original to share...  I am, in my unconventional way, saying "Hi... I am still here..."

Not one to complain, but.....

I have remained quiet for quite a while now, but it has now come to the point I need to "speak" my thoughts....

"You would think that after seeing the dentist for one pain, you would be free from it once you get the work done, but alas I am still cursed with pain!  Really, how long does it need to take to heal after getting multiple Novocaine shots to get two, and I mean two little teeth fixed?  It has been 5 days now (and I am counting the day I got the work done) and I am still sore!"

Oh, how can this be, you ask?  Well, it appears that every time a person sees the dentist, getting those shots and all that drilling is considered injury to the mouth or some other word that is used to state that you will remain sensitive for a while.  According to my dentist, people recover at different rates.  It is not considered a normal occurrence to get a needle poked into your junction point between the cheek and gum, nor is it considered a natural thing to have a drill bore holes into a tooth.  Heck what is used to fill the holes is considered foreign to the body, but all of those things had to be done in my mouth.

Oh, I know that I am not the only one that endures getting things like this done in their mouth.  In fact, I have zero doubt that regardless of how well a person does the preventative measures (brushing, flossing, rinsing, and such) at home AND the required cleaning at the dentist by a dental hygienist is going to help avoid this inevitable situation.  People get cavities, people can even manage to break a tooth and require repair, and even there are more and more people with the unfortunate misfortune of getting a dreaded root canal.  So, I know I am not alone.  I just happen to feel alone when it comes to the healing process because apparently I am one of those that does not heal as quickly as most, or so as I have been told by my dentist.

X-rays were done on both the upper and lower side of my mouth.  Poking and prodding was performed.  Questions were asked and answers were given.  The sigh of relief that I was not slapped with the unlucky stick and was told I needed a root canal was heard when I was told it is an easy fix to the agony I prolonged for over 2 weeks.  The fear alone was almost stifling when it came down to what could have been a root canal-ridden double-crown fiasco that I thought I was up against, but a very strong sense of relief was the victor when something as common as a cavity was the culprit.  I just was not thinking that getting 2 teeth done at once was going to create such a prolonged healing process.  Heck, I am still sensitive today.  

Advil has been my friend and even after seeing the dentist for a recheck of my progress just days after getting the work done is making me fearful that there is still more that needs to be done.  The only upside is that the sensitivity in chewing food is gone.  I still have a little sensitivity to extreme temperatures.  The real pain in how my gums and cheek feel.  It is like I have a perpetual feeling like I burnt my mouth on something hot.  Tender to the touch is more like it.  Sure, I can chew actual food on that side of my mouth, but the feel in my cheek is not all that comfortable.  Trust me.... I walked into my dentist's office and had him take a look.  He poked and prodded... asked questions and got answers.  Apparently they call this "healing from trauma", and it takes time to heal.  REALLY?!?!?  Well, slap me silly and call me Sally!  I already knew that!  My question is when do I have to return for more trauma to alleviate the trauma I have now?

I was told it could take another week for substantial relief.  I guess I should be thankful, but I already suffered two weeks before I got some semblance of relief.  I know it is my own doing that I dragged my heels for so long.  My reasons are weak for doing that, but so common.  Seeing the dentist is not cheap.  Never has been.  Dental insurance is expensive and it covers basically nothing beyond the annual cleaning.  I have asked DH if they considered getting dental coverage, but it is not fiscally sound to spend that type of money.  Buying it on our own is not possible.  We can barely afford what we do get in insurance coverage.  Anything beyond a simple visit to the doctor causes an extreme change in the bill and insurance companies like to pick and choose what they are willing to pay out for.  The only way insurance companies like their customers is of they never get sick and never need additional services.  Heck, if you never see the doctor, dentist or optometrist... they would be ecstatic to have you as a customer.  Gotta just love that Obama Healthcare bill....  A half-baked plan that never looked beyond the idea to how get coverage for everyone regardless of preexisting conditions, but never capped the insurance companies in the process.  Sure, people can get coverage, but it will cost you an arm and a leg to have it.  Even remotely healthy people are feeling the pinch when their coverage is less, but the cost is more.  Deductibles and premiums are on the rise, but the actual relief a person should have when it comes to coverage plummets because you know (as well as everyone else) it is gonna take a good punch to your wallet.  Do we place blame on the professionals that work in the various areas of healthcare (doctors, dentists and such) for the strain?  I doubt it.  They are slapped with being required to have more insurance for their practices from malpractice because there are more and more sue-happy people that have a lawyer on speed dial than ever.  It is known that nobody gets out of life alive, but it would be nice to not struggle so much to at least exist these days.

Now, I ponder the notion that I might be slightly allergic to what the dentist used in my mouth.  I was assured that my previous mention of allergens was acknowledged and proper measures were taken, but after a little research....  I find out that people can become allergic to things that they were not allergic to before as they get older.  I know that this is true because I became allergic to acrylic monomers due to overexposure when I was lassoed into doing nails for a spell.  That chip-resistant polish people are raving about?  I am allergic to that stuff.  You see, gels and acrylics have a similar component and I am sensitive to it.  So sensitive, I break out in a serious rash with blisters within an hour of exposure.  Looks nasty when it hits my hands.  I have avoided that stuff for years, but it is quite possible that there is a similar component in dental fillings that could be the culprit for my slow healing time.  There is not much I can do about it if I am exposed.  I just have to wait it out for it to leave my body.  I am already on allergy meds and it is possible that it can help, but medicines only go to where it is needed most and eventually will help out in other areas.  With my allergies in full bloom, it will take a while for my allergy medicines to become effective enough to handle this possible allergic reaction (if it is one).  I just seem to lack the patience to see that happen.  

I really only hope that this is just a healing process from all that "trauma" from the dentist chair and that by the end of next week I can no longer feel the discomfort that I happen to feel right at this moment.  I just do not want to return to get more dental work done if this is not the case.  I am on a payment plan for that $450 I just spent on my mouth and I am not sure that DH would understand of there is more that needs to be done. Oh well, at least I vented about this.  Only time will tell.

Thanks for letting me vent.  Have a great evening!

NOW I know what I am up against....

I had an "ah ha" moment this morning and felt like I should share.... Well, the "ah ha" moment actually happened yesterday, but I needed a little time to digest this information before sharing it, so please bear with me.  It was something I was not exactly thrilled about when I noticed it....

So, lets begin with a little update, shall we?

Mother's Day was not as special as I hoped it would be, but I was not pushing for anything phenomenal, so.. it went okay (as I thought it was).  Apparently, I was WRONG about it being somewhere in the "okay" range once DH said something that I could not catch upon until the following day, and still did not come to this moment of clarity until the day that followed that (meaning yesterday).  The only problem is....  how can I address this problem.

So, Sunday was basically a bust.  I was in pain in so many places... the Advil that I was popping like candy had no way of addressing all the aches and pains.  I hurt my wrist the day prior, my teeth were seriously hurting, and I managed to tweak my back just enough for a spasm to rear its ugly head at me.  My allergies have been in full-blown status and the sinus pressure (along with my tooth ache) made it feel like I had a mini jackhammer bouncing around in my head.  Needless to say.... I was absolutely miserable, but I tried my hardest to remain positive and not complain to anyone.

Well, I announced that I wanted to go out for breakfast for Mother's Day and shared my interest with DH.  I felt that regardless that I happen to have a day that is focused on my status as a parent being looked upon as just another day to do everything for everyone in this house... I deserved a little "treat", so to speak, but not cooking at least one meal for the day.  While the statement of asking to be taken out for breakfast was not so demanding, I offered to elaborate just a little to why I wanted to be treated to one meal that day...  I just did not feel up to cooking to clean up afterwards.  If my family would step up and do that one little thing (wash the dishes), I probably would not have minded making breakfast for the family.  Yep, just that one little act of being helpful would have been enough to make my day.  Sheesh!  I am too easy to please!  It is probably because of the lack of respect or help that has my expectations so low these days.  I did mention that if they were not interested in treating me to breakfast.... I was willing to go it alone and they can fend for themselves while I was gone.  Well, it appears that DH either refuses to cook for himself or he decided that my little request was not such a big deal and got DD to get motivated to go out for breakfast with me.

Total shocker on my part!  I was figuring I would end up going to McDonald's for a breakfast sandwich with a book in my hand.  So....  figuring we needed to go somewhere where we can eat and spend a little quality time together was going to happen.  I already looked up where there was a Mother's Day brunch in the local area and was saddened to see that the cost per person to join in that type of event was going to set DH back roughly $50 a person and with that knowledge.... I knew the traditional brunch was out of the question.  I am already at fault for wanting to go out to eat and I needed to keep the cost down.

All three of us were in the car, driving to parts unknown with no solid place to consider.  I noticed a buffet place not so long ago and figured that there was at least a breakfast buffet that we could go to that offered things that both DH and DD would like and be fairly reasonable compared to the average Mother's Day brunch.  Well, that place was a sushi buffet place and I knew it was a solid "Hell NO" from DH.  The price was acceptable, but DH does not eat fish.  DD was thrilled, but once she heard the decision to go someplace else.... she was not all that happy.  Then, we went off to the iHop down the road.  They were packed and there was no parking.  DH was getting cranky (he was starving), and DD was not interested in any place that had the word "pancakes" in it's name.  So, further down the road we went.  We found a restaurant fairly close to his parent's house.  The parking lot was not full and they were open for business.  I saw this as probably the only place that had a table available for my family.  Of course, they did not offer brunch... they did not offer breakfast of any kind.  Nope, we got a lunch menu and left to choose from there.  DD was happy that they offered some seafood choices, DH found a burger to choose, and I was a little sad that I was going to be eating lunch instead of brunch.  My tooth was hurting and everything on that menu was going to be a challenge to eat.  I was looking forward to some scrambled eggs, but I figured as long as they got fed and I did not have to clean up afterwards.... I was ahead of the game... or so I thought.  Each bite of food hurt and tears fell from my eyes.  Quietly, I suffered, but thought I was being as reasonable as I could for my family.  I really wanted to be someplace else, but my family was hungry and I was not in the mood for more attitude.  In the grand scheme of things... I did manage to achieve 2 of the three requirements for my family....  They got to eat something they liked and the cost was reasonable (or so I thought - when the bill came... $54 for 3 people is a bit high in DH's eyes, but he paid without complaint).

Once the bill was paid, we went home to make the grocery list.  DH appears to prefer order and control and did not want to wander the store for new ideas for meals.  Of course, it would have been havoc on the budget we have in place.  It was quiet in the car.  I could not stand the pain anymore.  I knew I had to see the dentist and feared that the bill was going to be huge, but I could not put it off any longer.  I was uncomfortable for 2 weeks prior.  When it became to difficult to eat anymore, I knew I had to go.  With the drive home being so quiet, I mentioned to DH that I felt really bad about asking to see the dentist, knowing it would probably be expensive to go, but the pain was becoming unbearable.  That is when DH threw my way the attitude that I thought caused him to remain nasty well beyond that day.

You see, DH has been giving me the silent treatment and with that silent treatment comes a snippy tone, like a petulant child not getting their way.  It took until Monday night for him to speak his mind and share his feelings.  Apparently, I seemed unhappy on Mother's Day and pointed out that the first place we looked at for brunch was not going to be the place to eat because I pointed out that DH is not a fan of fish and sushi is not something he would eat.  Now, correct me if I am wrong, but with that knowledge, I chose to go elsewhere because I wanted everyone to be fed and happy and that I was considering their feelings before my own.  I thought that was being nice.  Then he mentions the tears in my eyes when we were eating and thought I was upset with the final choice to where we were to eat.  Apparently, my little comment about scrambled eggs was a complaint about the food we ended up getting and made him feel like a schmuck for ending up there.  Of course, the tears falling from my eyes while eating was somehow a huge sign that I was unhappy about it, too.  I guess he forgot that I mentioned that I was in pain from my teeth hurting so much that I asked for permission to go to the dentist the following day.  Nope, I guess being in pain did not compute with DH and my tears were from disappointment over the beginning of the day and that the quiet demeanor was in no way trying to hold back screams of agony for their benefit.  Just because I did not plaster a smile on my face the whole time was supposedly because DH believed I thought he was inconsiderate.  WOW!  What a martyr!  Of course, the snippy attitude about needing to go to the dentist was supposed to make me feel better, too, right?

Money is a sore subject in my house.  I know it as well as DH.  I get pummeled with that knowledge every time I mention an unplanned for expense happening.  DD's little emergency room visit is slapping us with a $600 bill to contend with.  We did not plan for it, but it is clear as day that this was all my fault.  The mention of needing to see a dentist was just the icing on that cake of misery.  I feared I was going to need a root canal or a couple of crowns to replace the very old (and very large) fillings I have on a couple of teeth that I figured were the culprit to the pain I was experiencing.  Luckily, after seeing the dentist, getting the necessary x-rays and such... it came down to re-doing one old filling and taking care of one small cavity.  That $450 bill is NOTHING compared to the estimated (in my mind) of roughly thousands that could have happened.  I managed to get it on a payment plan with 0% interest for a year.  I was thrilled I managed to avoid a huge expense and tried to share it with DH and all I got was attitude and blame that I was apparently calling him inconsiderate.

In hindsight of all of this.... I realized that DH no longer sees or hears me.  I was in tears because I was in pain and not because of disappointment regarding his actions.  I was quiet because I was trying to save him from hearing me complain about the pain.  I took us to various places before ending up in that one place because I took into consideration of what they (meaning both DH and DD) would like to avoid drama at the table.  I tried my hardest to avoid creating more of a struggle financially by not going to an expensive brunch because I did not want to put any more stress on DH.  I no longer have high expectations for myself and did not complain about what we ate because I was happy that they decided to go with me to eat.  I guess I cannot express anything well enough through actions or words because it is up to the other person to decide upon what they want to see and hear.  I have no idea how to be more clear about my intentions, my feelings, or even my thoughts.  I will forever always be wrong.  I am not allowed to be in pain, tired, or sick.  I need to be always on my "A-game" and smiling in the face of challenge.  I am not allowed to be emotional other than perpetually happy or subservient to the master.  I cannot ever need the assistance of others and money cannot be spent for my well-being.  I am to be beyond the zen concept...  I am NOT to be seen as well as I am NOT to be heard.

The problem is that I cannot just exist and not have feelings.  It is clear as day that DH no longer sees me, he no longer hears me, and if those two are happening....  I am no longer important in his life and he no longer feels anything for me.  How do I change that?  I seriously doubt that I can.  

On a closing note....  I am feeling better where my teeth are concerned.  Still a little tender from getting two teeth worked on at once.  My body has not adjusted to the foreign material in my mouth, but that will take a few more days before I feel complete relief, but in comparison to what I was feeling.... I am doing much better.  My back is still doing the random spasm thing often, but tolerable.  My wrist still hurts like the dickens and my allergy headache is a little less painful.  Basically, I am more functional without tears of pain slowing me down and that is a good thing.  I have loads to do and never enough time to get it all done.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!

Waiting for a break.....

Good morning and Happy Mother's Day!

Yep, it is Mother's Day; a day to show appreciation to the woman that went through hours (and I mean HOURS) of pain to bring you into this world.  Of course, all mothers have multiple reputations when it comes to their children and it changes as they get older.  Really, who goes from boo-boo fixer to moron to smartest woman alive in a lifetime?  It is that love... hate... and back to love emotional roller coaster children put mothers, like myself, through.  Do we complain about it?  Not as much as we should, but I truly believe that our tolerance level changes in our DNA makeup once the hormones shift while pregnant.  To those that could not experience the phenomenon of giving birth, but are parents, too, just happen to have that parenting gene at all times.  Of course, there are some that should never be a parent, but the forces that be thought it would be interesting to thrust them into the challenge that parenthood brings.

With all things in tradition, it is Mother's Day that offers a little "breather" from the ins and outs of being the only one that does the most with the least appreciation for it.  In my world.... I cook, clean and cater to those in my care (and that includes DH).  Of course, my tendencies to do more without asking for help has enabled my family to do less and complain when it is up to them to do anything in this house.  Trust me.... when DH whines about making a tray if ice cubes once in a while like it is such a grueling task...  you will understand my situation.

Sadly, the Mother's Day of the past in this house have appeared to be less spoiling on my part.  It is looked upon as just another ordinary day here.  I still cook, clean and cater around here.  Gifts do not come in my direction and flowers do not grace my kitchen table.  I will admit that I have ground my teeth in frustration so often that I already know that I have a very expensive dental appointment in my very near future.  A couple of old fillings are failing and I am in constant discomfort.  Aching, overly sensitive teeth make it hard to enjoy any food or beverages.  In hindsight....  I might actually lose a few pounds (if not more) by waiting for the "green light" to get this matter handled.  Knowing my luck (and DH's habitual saying of "no" with guilt-laden comments of being too financially strapped for expenses like these), I can only hope that once I do get the opportunity to see the dentist and get some relief...  the dentist might be more reasonable when it comes to the expense and how we can make payments instead of getting whacked with a huge bill that we obviously cannot afford.  Of course, my determination to do just about everything here had me injure my left hand (well, I know I hurt it at work, but it was just something that was waiting for the right time from overworking it at home), and even some of the more simple things that require use of that hand now hurt to the point I have tears in my eyes.  Obviously, my perpetual lousy luck has added a little icing to this cake of misery with my allergies flaring up to monstrous levels...  My head feels like I have a mini jackhammer bouncing around in there.  Well, it could be from my teeth, too, but the pain behind my eyes is immense.  I slept funny last night and my right arm is tender in one spot and radiates EVERYWHERE as well as that glorious set of knots traveling up and down my spine that triggered all my usual pinched nerves.

Yep, feeling absolutely glorious for a day that is supposed to be in honor of me going through 13 hours of labor for my child and a never ending requirement of sacrifice to my family.  If you could not catch the pain-ridden, sarcasm there in that last statement.... then I obviously have zero talent in sharing how awful I am feeling today.  I feel damn useless, but pushing myself to be useful is really starting to wear me down.  I have been sleeping more than usual and that is not good when it comes to fulfilling the demands of my life and my family.  Oh well, time to suck it up, right?

Now, if I could only win a million dollars......  I could ease the financial burden that DH feels, buy all the stuff that DD needs, and maybe have enough to take care of a few things I fear really needing my immediate attention for my health.  Of course, the forces that be really like giving me impossible challenges to deal with all...the...time... and getting a break is definitely not in my future.  I bought a lottery ticket yesterday and I already know I only donated my $2 to the jackpot that I will never obtain.  I mean... really....  I don't need the supposed 170 million jackpot.  Just enough to slightly get ahead of our bills and get the important things that we have zero health coverage for (dental insurance is really expensive and barely covers anything) and obviously I am asking for too much, but I already know I can never get that lucky.  I am not greedy.... I am just desperate for relief.  I know I am not alone when it comes to this, but it is just so sad that I just cannot get a break.  I have nothing but time to wait, but would like a chance to come up for air once in a while.

Oh well, off to try to follow through with my plans that I placed before me.  I told DH that I refuse to cook on Mother's Day (and that means the usual breakfast).  Either they (my family) joins me at the local iHop for breakfast or I am going alone.  If they do decide to join me... then they are getting the bill.  With the pain in my mouth, I know I will be a cheap date, but I want at least ONE OPPORTUNITY to be waited upon and this is supposed to be MY DAY.

So, thanks for reading, hug your mom, and have a great day!

When there is a will, there is NO way...

Good morning!  My house is back to it's quietness since my little furry friend's master returned last night and was taken back to his home.  In hindsight, I was hoping my little plan would have worked.  I was hoping that once DH felt how alive our home could be if we got another dog... he would finally agree to letting us get one.  I know, I know.... it was sneaky and underhanded of a plan I hatched in order to get another dog here, but my intentions were pure.  DD and I have been wanting a dog of our own after most of the healing we went through after the loss of our German Shepherd, Molly.  We had almost 12 glorious years with her and her passing was quite painful.  Knowing that we could never just replace her, we held back on getting another puppy to love and care for.  Of course, our money situation became painfully tight after all the vet bills came rolling in, so the notion of getting another puppy was definitely pushed back on the list of getting.  I know we are still struggling financially, but it was looking like we could quite possibly get a pup soon.  Heck, we do not take vacations anymore and we are here all the time.  DH is the only one that can take a little "fishing" trip once a year with zero guilt on how much it costs to go, while DD and I have remained at home.  Family vacations are non-existent here obviously, just by that mention of who gets to take a little time for themselves.  DD may get invited for sleepovers at friends houses from time to time, but as for me.... I will never see outside of my home for any extended period of time.  I did do one overnight stay at a hotel for a wedding a while back, but I even felt guilty for going.  I used to do an overnight bike ride through Chicago every year with my friends, but since my best friend moved away.... I just cannot see myself doing that anymore, but even with that in mind....  I never really have taken a vacation that is just for me.  I have become tethered to my house and strangely enough.... I am kind-of okay with that.  I guess it is all in the conditioning through not being able to do for so long, you just embrace less and never ask for more.

Well, I figured my little plan would bring my family closer together, having a puppy to care for and all, but I was painfully WRONG.  DH held his ground and did absolutely NOTHING over the weekend.  No interacting with our furry visitor what-so-ever.  DD kept herself in her room all weekend with only a few appearances out of her room to walk our little guest while I was at work on Saturday and to eat.  When I was home.... it was just me and that pup.  He was my shadow and never left my side.  He followed me EVERYWHERE and slept next to me at night.  Going to the bathroom alone was no longer an option and trying to cook dinner was a circus act.  Of course, our little guest was forlorn over his master leaving him and barely ate, but I was more determined to make sure he ate something.  I was the one that went on the longest walks with this little guy so he could trot along happily, having a little adventure here and there.  I was the one that crawled on the floor and played for hours on end with stuffed animals, balls and whatnot to entertain him until his master returned.

On the final long walk I took our little guest on, I had time to think and I was not really happy with what I was thinking....  While I am ready for another dog to love and care for, my family is obviously not.  DH's resolve to remain detached from the life brought into our home stayed firm and that firmly cemented the notion that we are never going to get the okay to have another dog in our house to call our own.  DD's love and affection is random and at random times.  The newness of having a dog wore off of her quite quickly and she returned to her teenager ways of being detached from the family and attached to her room with her computer games, cell phone, and solidarity.  With zero help from those two over the weekend, I still had to do all the things I normally did when we do not have a dog to tend to.  I became quite overwhelmed and quite disappointed in those two, but I definitely learned my lesson.....  They may want to like having the notion of having another dog in the house, but they do not want to deal with the responsibility.

So last night, with a heavy heart, I said goodbye to my little furry guest and watched him return to his home with his master and grabbed my book to sit down and finish reading that awful book.  I really do not have a clue as to how it got rave reviews on Amazon, but for 99 cents, I thought I got a deal.  Apparently, it is a hit-or-miss crap-shoot when it comes to books.  I managed to finish it, rate it on Amazon and went to bed with no little furry friend to cuddle next to me.  Oh well, back to my quiet house and my usual routine.  Whenever I get the idea of mentioning that I would love to have another dog, I will have to remember this past weekend's events....  While I loved the attention I got from my little furry guest, I did not appreciate the lack of involvement from my family as well as the pressure that was placed before me to do everything alone... again.  This weekend could have been far greater if they did try to enjoy the presence of something more in our house, but I know now that I was being punished.

The sounds in the house....

Ever since the passing of my precious pup, Molly, (she was almost 12 years old when she passed by the way), my house fell silent.  No more were the sounds of nails tapping on the floors or the sounds of ID tags and the clinking they made when she walked... silence.  No more barking at the mailman or the random leaf that skittered across my driveway... silence.  The days of having a food bowl pushed across the kitchen floor when it became empty no longer take their path across my floors as well as the knocked over water bowl that splashes water when my Princess Molly demanded more water (since a half full bowl was not acceptable to her)...  silence and dry floors have been my life for almost 5 years.  While I have been promised a couple of times that I could get another dog, those promises were squashed once a new expense came to the surface (clothes for DD, shoes that needed replacement, a new doctor bill to pay)...

"We just cannot afford the expense of a pet, Nancy", was the excuse every time I brought the subject up.

We used to take little day trips on the weekends and I would drag DH to the pet store to look at all the adorable puppies and sigh.  Never to take one out to play with, knowing the answer would be "no", but hoping to soften the resolve that DH has of not getting another puppy to love.  I searched pet shelter sites, looking for a puppy and saying a silent prayer for them that they are blessed with a forever family.  Wiping the tears from my eyes, knowing that I could never be the "mom" to another 4-legged furry friend of my own.  I spend all my nice days outside waiting for a chance to pet a little furbaby when it walks past my house.  In fact, there are quite a few people I have gotten to know just by their dogs.  For the life of me... I do not know the owner's names, but I know their pet's names.  A few dogs love the attention that I give them and the excitement I have to see them and seem to stop in front of my house, looking for me to be outside so they can pull their owners up my driveway to visit me.  These little furry friends of mine know the pain I feel of loss and try as they might, give me just a moment of happiness.  Kisses, leans and cuddles are plenty.  I know all their favorite places to be rubbed and scratched.  With a nudge from their cold noses, I get a puppy's farewell and off they go because their masters have things to do and places to go, but I can see in their eyes that they look forward to stopping by again.

Yep, a silent house is where I live.

Every day I am reminded of just that.  The ashes of my long lost pup sit in a special place in my house.  Her last toy sits on top of my china cabinet, facing the corner window that my pup loved to hang out in.  Her collar still hangs in my kitchen as a reminder that I did have an unconditionally loving creature in my house at one time.

While I would just love to go and get another loving creature to love and care for, I just can't.  It is not just a financial reason.  It is a breed issue.  While DD loves dogs as much as I do.... she has allergies to the fur and dander.  The only breeds she can have around her for longer than a few hours is the ones that do not shed and need to be groomed often.  Adopting just any dog is not possible because of the requirements.  DH loved Molly, but she was a German Shepherd, a beautiful one at that, and they are famous for shedding and we cannot get another one.  Most non-shedding dogs are small and he wants a big dog.  Too manly for a standard sized poodle, too unsure of the mixed breeds of Poodle and Labrador Retrievers, and cringing at the notion of regular grooming visit costs...  DH has held firm that we cannot get another dog... ever.  Oh, he promised me one a few years back as an anniversary present, but quickly put the plan on a very far back burner... never to be completed.  I cried tears of joy when he said I could have another dog, but as the years have passed with no dog to love.... I cry tears of sadness every time I think of yet another day that I live in this silent house.  The only reprieve that we have had since our house is so silent is the savings in doctor bills for DD, but even she would rather deal with taking medicine daily in order to have another puppy of our own.  Breaks my heart to see her love animals like she does and cannot have one to call her own.  DH's cards are stacked far higher than DD's and mine... so...  I can only assume we will forever have a quiet home and hold dear the memories of Molly in our hearts forever.

Not all is lost, though.  A neighbor that I happen to know has an adorable little pup that visits me often is going to spend the weekend with me at my house.  The pup's name is Homer and he is an adventurous little Cock-a-Poo that brings a smile to my face.  Once he sees me... he high-tails it to my house to visit, trying with all his might to drag his 6'2" owner with him.  He always brings a smile to my face when he does.  Well, his owners are needing someone to watch him while they go and attend their daughter's graduation from college in another state.  It is just an overnight thing, but thought of me to watch him.  They already know that Homer will be completely spoiled once he has to return home, he will be well taken care of and safe.  I am thrilled to have him in my house for the night.  Just knowing I will hear those familiar sounds in my house again, even if it is for a short while, warms my heart.  I know that once he returns to his family, I will once again have a quiet house, but while he is here.... I am going to enjoy every minute.  I can only hope that DH sees how happy things will be in our home when Homer is here and finally decides to fill the silence in our house yet again with another furry friend to be part of our family.  I seriously doubt it, but I can always hope.

My precious Molly will never be replaced in my heart, but I do have room for another to love.  I truly believe she knows it.  I just happen to know it will never be.  Sentenced to a silent house.