Yesterday's events were not what I asked for, but as the saying goes.... "Stuff happens". With my filter to avoid doing something stupid being broken, I was graced with bitter words thrown at me. While the sting of words can hurt as much as a slap in the face, I accepted an invite of a friend to visit her and just chat. I just needed to leave the house for a while and get my mind wrapped around something else. The visit to my friend was helpful. Just getting a hug and some reassurance that things will get better was the right medicine for me.
When I returned home, there was a couple of messages on the answering machine. One of them was from DH with an apology for his tone towards me before he left for his fishing trip. Still stinging from the earlier events he and I shared, I actually felt better that I was not home to answer the phone. I did appreciate the apology, but questioned the sincerity. Almost 5 hours passed since getting my feelings hurt to get an apology really just does not scream sincerity to me. I always believed that if a person is truly sorry, the apology is almost immediate. Not hours later, but who am I to judge? I have to take into consideration that he needed time to cool off and think about what happened. Also, he called to tell me that he got to the camp site safely. That is something he never does. In the past 15 or so annual "fishing" trips, he never called to let me know he got there safely. Maybe this is a change he decided to take to show that he is thinking of me. HA! Doubtful, but I can at least take it that way and hope for more. I figured that I would at least call him back, but quickly remembered that where he is.... there is really no clear reception for his cell phone. He actually has to wander off to this one little spot to get enough "bars" on his cell to make a call home, and I seriously doubt that he was going to stay in that one little spot waiting for me to call back. Then, I realized that this is a blessing in disguise. With my inability to just shut my mouth when my feelings are hurt, I would say something that would create another fight that I am trying to avoid from happening. I did not bother leaving a message. I am trying to kill the fire of rage that still flickers under the surface. His vacation is what we both need to let the tension to release its grip on both of us.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?
I did at least want to say to him that I learned my lesson. I can no longer crack a joke that lacks a quirky punchline. That my sarcasm lacks humor and apparently gets taken literally (at least in his eyes... my friends seem to get it, just not him). Maybe if he sees me trying... he would figure he could try, too. On a brighter note.... I did manage to get my appetite back and ate a full meal without feeling nauseous afterward. That is a step in the right direction, right?
I did manage to open a new book to read and it is very light on the romance. Not as light as I would have hoped for, but a co-worker highly recommended it to get myself out of the false hopes that the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy offered me. I now know why I avoid romance novels (no matter how erotic they make them). It is that false hope that there is someone out there that can fit the bill of what women really want without much effort. Men are wired differently than woman and that is how it should be. I would be intrigued if there was a man to read those type of books and actually see first hand what women look for in a man. Protective, vulnerable, loving to the point that he would leave his comfort zone just to have that special woman in their life, and generous to the point that it could be uncomfortable. The man of most women's dreams has more than sex appeal. It is how they are towards the one they love. While mind-blowing sex would be appreciated, it is not on the top of the list for me. Not sure about other women, but I actually appreciate what is inside the person more than where their talents are. Believe me.... a little consideration, respect, and appreciation goes a long way. Well, that and doing those little things that show that they really love you just because they want to and not because you asked for it. Most of it costs virtually nothing. A little hand-written love note can melt any woman's heart. Seeing love in their eyes when you look into them. Even just holding hands or cuddling can do the trick. I am not one for chocolates and flowers, I really do not need diamonds, and I am pretty easy to please just by being thought of. I am not asking for a jealous and insecure hero, but someone that cherishes me. It is really not all that much to ask, but I do not think I should ask for it. It should be willingly offered because they want to. Isn't that what love consists of? Simple things given freely because they want to instead of be required or asked to. It is really not all that complicated, but it seems that people make it difficult anyway. I know that I offer it freely... Compassion, love, respect and understanding. I offer all that I can in hopes that what I offer is returned in the same way. I have believed that effort is a two-way street. If you offer it freely, you will receive the same in return. Sadly, it is not the case if the other person can't (or won't) even notice it to even try. I have embraced this and I am determined to keep working for it to get better. Marriage, as well as relationships in general, require work. Nothing is meant to be easy. It takes determination to never just give up and I think I have that in me. I just wonder if he has that in him. If he does not and tells me so.... Then when it ends, you can say with your head held up high that you did all that you could and never wonder "what if" at a later date. Isn't that the best closure to have? No doubts whatsoever?
Sigh. I guess only time will tell. I am not going anywhere, anytime soon.
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Thanks for the harsh words DH!
Everyone knows that words can hurt as much as a slap in the face. Especially when they are aware that you are too weak to fight back......
Feeling raw from a feeling that is so unwelcome in this stage of my life, I had to face the fact that I had two people leave in two days. Yes, one will be back on Sunday, but the other is only going to visit from time to time with large gaps in between. Both people I believe are pivotal in my life, but only one truly understands the way I feel and did what they could to soften the blow. The other? Well, really does not think all that much about my feelings anymore. What really hurts is that the one that took the time and charted a course to soften the blow is the one that is not coming back on Sunday.
As DH went through his mental list of what he needs to take with him on his fishing trip, I was asked to help going through a list I figured he would already have. With his heart issues in mind, I mentioned if he was bringing the blood pressure machine with him since he checks his blood pressure every night before taking his medicines. He tells me that he won't need it because his vacation will be so relaxing that any chance of high blood pressure will be a moot subject. While I tend to agree that his blood pressure will be under control, I figured that when checking his blood pressure has been a habit since his return home from the hospital almost a year ago, I wanted to not sway him to forgetting how far he has come. I actually figured that it was a kind of security blanket in reminding him that he is doing well and going in the right direction. Needless to say, I made the mistake by joking that apparently his blood pressure issues are only prevalent when he is around me and that he was right in deciding to leave that monitoring devise at home. That mistake turned a remotely jovial man that I married into a bitter, harsh word throwing monster that completely forgot to notice that I was going through some detachment issues over my best friend leaving the day before. I have done my best in at least telling him that I am sad over that and trying to regain my bearings. I even mentioned that I would like to fly to Vegas to see my friend some time in the future. By his non-response to that comment.... I think I already have his answer regarding that. He will fight with me if I actually ask again.
I just should have known better than to even mention that I have needs, too. Needs of reassurance that I matter in his life. That I am not just that lump of emotional flesh that he supports and takes care of just about everything in the four walls that we call home. While he offers a sweet "goodbye" to DD before she left for school, I got the cold shoulder of goodbyes when it was just him and I alone in the house. As the bitter side of me starts to rear up to strike, I think it is about time to do something for myself when the time comes. I just seem to be paralyzed over what will happen in its wake when I do decide to not put their needs first. Chances are, I will just keep my head down and continue to battle my internal needs to stay buried inside me.
That once confident woman that DH met and fell in love with is withering away as each year passes. Being treated less and less of a vital part of his life. My ideas are never considered, my feelings holding no weight in his heart, and the extent of my willingness to do more is no longer enough. While there are times that we do get along, it is really only on his terms. He rarely ever asks me anything and when he does????.... My ability to be honest is NOT what he wants to hear. Heck, his outbursts of frustration has DD and I cowering at times. With looking from the outside of all of this through my blogging, I see this as abuse. Mental anguish is not a healthy way to live, but I do see myself being trained to accept it as this is the way it is supposed to be. Makes my stomach turn every time I think about it.... mental abuse can be just as brutal as physical abuse. There are no marks on the body to see the damage it brings. What keeps me here is love. I do love him, but with outbursts like the one I got before he left.... I now have no fear of dying. My panic attacks are really under control now. What scared me so much that I would hyperventilate to the point of passing out is gone. Well, only that aspect is gone. I have a new fear and that is to be alone. I have friends and I have family, but I have love to offer him and he shuts me out every time I try. I do blame his upbringing. His parents charted the course of what a long standing marriage consists of and he is mirroring that behavior at me. His parents do not have public displays of romantic tendencies and since DH never saw them being romantic at home in front of his siblings.... he sees this as the proper way to be. Only of I knew then what I know now.... I seriously would have rethought my decision to settle down. If things would be this miserable back in the early stage of my marriage, I would have left and never looked back. In fact, looking back.... I had my unhappy moments, but never at this magnitude.
How do we bounce back from this? How do we make it better? Since what he said is the last thing I will hear until he returns, I have time to let the sting of his attitude fade away. Chances are, I will forgive him before he returns because that is what I do. I explain it away and take the blame. I will be more quiet than usual when he does return. I do not want a repeat performance after he had his vacation from the frustration that I apparently create when we are together. See? Taking the blame already. I am getting good at this. Almost 14 years down and who knows how many more years to go.....
Have a great vacation, DH! I'll be here taking care of everything... as usual.....
Feeling raw from a feeling that is so unwelcome in this stage of my life, I had to face the fact that I had two people leave in two days. Yes, one will be back on Sunday, but the other is only going to visit from time to time with large gaps in between. Both people I believe are pivotal in my life, but only one truly understands the way I feel and did what they could to soften the blow. The other? Well, really does not think all that much about my feelings anymore. What really hurts is that the one that took the time and charted a course to soften the blow is the one that is not coming back on Sunday.
As DH went through his mental list of what he needs to take with him on his fishing trip, I was asked to help going through a list I figured he would already have. With his heart issues in mind, I mentioned if he was bringing the blood pressure machine with him since he checks his blood pressure every night before taking his medicines. He tells me that he won't need it because his vacation will be so relaxing that any chance of high blood pressure will be a moot subject. While I tend to agree that his blood pressure will be under control, I figured that when checking his blood pressure has been a habit since his return home from the hospital almost a year ago, I wanted to not sway him to forgetting how far he has come. I actually figured that it was a kind of security blanket in reminding him that he is doing well and going in the right direction. Needless to say, I made the mistake by joking that apparently his blood pressure issues are only prevalent when he is around me and that he was right in deciding to leave that monitoring devise at home. That mistake turned a remotely jovial man that I married into a bitter, harsh word throwing monster that completely forgot to notice that I was going through some detachment issues over my best friend leaving the day before. I have done my best in at least telling him that I am sad over that and trying to regain my bearings. I even mentioned that I would like to fly to Vegas to see my friend some time in the future. By his non-response to that comment.... I think I already have his answer regarding that. He will fight with me if I actually ask again.
I just should have known better than to even mention that I have needs, too. Needs of reassurance that I matter in his life. That I am not just that lump of emotional flesh that he supports and takes care of just about everything in the four walls that we call home. While he offers a sweet "goodbye" to DD before she left for school, I got the cold shoulder of goodbyes when it was just him and I alone in the house. As the bitter side of me starts to rear up to strike, I think it is about time to do something for myself when the time comes. I just seem to be paralyzed over what will happen in its wake when I do decide to not put their needs first. Chances are, I will just keep my head down and continue to battle my internal needs to stay buried inside me.
That once confident woman that DH met and fell in love with is withering away as each year passes. Being treated less and less of a vital part of his life. My ideas are never considered, my feelings holding no weight in his heart, and the extent of my willingness to do more is no longer enough. While there are times that we do get along, it is really only on his terms. He rarely ever asks me anything and when he does????.... My ability to be honest is NOT what he wants to hear. Heck, his outbursts of frustration has DD and I cowering at times. With looking from the outside of all of this through my blogging, I see this as abuse. Mental anguish is not a healthy way to live, but I do see myself being trained to accept it as this is the way it is supposed to be. Makes my stomach turn every time I think about it.... mental abuse can be just as brutal as physical abuse. There are no marks on the body to see the damage it brings. What keeps me here is love. I do love him, but with outbursts like the one I got before he left.... I now have no fear of dying. My panic attacks are really under control now. What scared me so much that I would hyperventilate to the point of passing out is gone. Well, only that aspect is gone. I have a new fear and that is to be alone. I have friends and I have family, but I have love to offer him and he shuts me out every time I try. I do blame his upbringing. His parents charted the course of what a long standing marriage consists of and he is mirroring that behavior at me. His parents do not have public displays of romantic tendencies and since DH never saw them being romantic at home in front of his siblings.... he sees this as the proper way to be. Only of I knew then what I know now.... I seriously would have rethought my decision to settle down. If things would be this miserable back in the early stage of my marriage, I would have left and never looked back. In fact, looking back.... I had my unhappy moments, but never at this magnitude.
How do we bounce back from this? How do we make it better? Since what he said is the last thing I will hear until he returns, I have time to let the sting of his attitude fade away. Chances are, I will forgive him before he returns because that is what I do. I explain it away and take the blame. I will be more quiet than usual when he does return. I do not want a repeat performance after he had his vacation from the frustration that I apparently create when we are together. See? Taking the blame already. I am getting good at this. Almost 14 years down and who knows how many more years to go.....
Have a great vacation, DH! I'll be here taking care of everything... as usual.....
Unwelcome feeling....
Emotional release is something everyone has. It usually is anger or sadness, but there are a few moments where fear can even be strong enough to become a release. I just never thought that what I have been feeling is really any emotion that is run of the mill.
While I am trying to sum up this sick feeling in my stomach as something stemmed from sadness over my best friend moving away. Heck, it has not even been a solid 24 hours since I got the call that she was on the road and heading for Vegas. It is not like we saw each other all the time, but there was a sense of comfort that she was not that far away. I did my crying over the reality that she needed to move away and I have been actually quite calm over this transition (so far). I just cannot get a grasp over where this odd and uncomfortable feeling is stemmed from. It is almost like a mix of various emotions balled up and bouncing around inside me. Sadness over this pivotal change in my life, fear or concern for the safety of another, anger that my most reliable friend is no longer a short drive to see anymore, excitement for my friend's new adventure, anxiety over what is to happen next, and loneliness. It almost feels like I am holding on this feeling for dear life to remain strong. I now know that when a person puts so much of themselves into something, it is painful to let it go. I see that in my friend as well as I see that with my family. Yes, I have plenty of friends and a loving family. I should take comfort in that, but there are just some things that keep me in a comfort zone I appreciated deeper than I thought. It is almost like my childhood security blanket has been ripped from my hands and I am very vulnerable now.
I realized as I watched DH pack up his stuff for his "fishing" trip, there is far too many people leaving me alone and it either increased the strength of my inner turmoil or just made it more noticeable. While I am aware that DH will be back home soon, and my best friend will come back to visit around the holidays... It is just too much in such a short time. While I worry about my friend making a safe journey to Vegas, I now have to worry about DH's road trip for his fishing trip. Regardless of how DH can drive me absolutely batty at times, he is a part of me as well as I am a part of him. The connection that my friend and I have is very similar to my connection to DH.
Reality is just too raw for me right now. I know I am strong and that I can handle this. I need time, but this miserable feeling is making it really hard to let time take it's course. I know that I will immerse myself in tedious stuff to keep my mind busy and keep this uncomfortable feeling at a manageable low. I just wonder if it will be enough to give me the time that I need to get the release I need and to heal from the destruction that this ball of unwelcome feeling spurred energy is going to make. I just never fathomed that this feeling actually repulses the urge to eat. Every time I try... I feel nauseous. This might have an upside regarding my attempts at losing weight, but this is not a healthy way of doing this.
While I like my "alone time", I prefer it to be in short bursts instead of one big block of time all at once. Oh well, I just need to deal and before I know it.... DH will be back home. Then maybe I won't feel so sick to my stomach... or at least less sick to my stomach.... Sigh. Well, have a great day everyone! Time to find my book and drift off into another world other than my own.....
While I am trying to sum up this sick feeling in my stomach as something stemmed from sadness over my best friend moving away. Heck, it has not even been a solid 24 hours since I got the call that she was on the road and heading for Vegas. It is not like we saw each other all the time, but there was a sense of comfort that she was not that far away. I did my crying over the reality that she needed to move away and I have been actually quite calm over this transition (so far). I just cannot get a grasp over where this odd and uncomfortable feeling is stemmed from. It is almost like a mix of various emotions balled up and bouncing around inside me. Sadness over this pivotal change in my life, fear or concern for the safety of another, anger that my most reliable friend is no longer a short drive to see anymore, excitement for my friend's new adventure, anxiety over what is to happen next, and loneliness. It almost feels like I am holding on this feeling for dear life to remain strong. I now know that when a person puts so much of themselves into something, it is painful to let it go. I see that in my friend as well as I see that with my family. Yes, I have plenty of friends and a loving family. I should take comfort in that, but there are just some things that keep me in a comfort zone I appreciated deeper than I thought. It is almost like my childhood security blanket has been ripped from my hands and I am very vulnerable now.
I realized as I watched DH pack up his stuff for his "fishing" trip, there is far too many people leaving me alone and it either increased the strength of my inner turmoil or just made it more noticeable. While I am aware that DH will be back home soon, and my best friend will come back to visit around the holidays... It is just too much in such a short time. While I worry about my friend making a safe journey to Vegas, I now have to worry about DH's road trip for his fishing trip. Regardless of how DH can drive me absolutely batty at times, he is a part of me as well as I am a part of him. The connection that my friend and I have is very similar to my connection to DH.
Reality is just too raw for me right now. I know I am strong and that I can handle this. I need time, but this miserable feeling is making it really hard to let time take it's course. I know that I will immerse myself in tedious stuff to keep my mind busy and keep this uncomfortable feeling at a manageable low. I just wonder if it will be enough to give me the time that I need to get the release I need and to heal from the destruction that this ball of unwelcome feeling spurred energy is going to make. I just never fathomed that this feeling actually repulses the urge to eat. Every time I try... I feel nauseous. This might have an upside regarding my attempts at losing weight, but this is not a healthy way of doing this.
While I like my "alone time", I prefer it to be in short bursts instead of one big block of time all at once. Oh well, I just need to deal and before I know it.... DH will be back home. Then maybe I won't feel so sick to my stomach... or at least less sick to my stomach.... Sigh. Well, have a great day everyone! Time to find my book and drift off into another world other than my own.....
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Patience of a saint.....
Good morning and thank goodness the weekend is over! Usually I am saddened that the weekend comes and goes so quickly, but I feel actually relieved that DH is back at work and DD is heading back to school. I know it sounds harsh, but my saint-like tendencies were put to the test this weekend. Here is why.....
Ever since I gave DH the checkbook to face the reality that his relaxed attitude about collecting a paycheck is hurting us, he has taken on the role of a hermit and has dragged us with him. We rarely ever do anything beyond the usual grocery shopping trip. The last time we went somewhere remotely fun was to my mother's birthday dinner. We have not gone to the zoo, the park, the movies, or even out to dinner in so long that I am beginning to feel the effects of Stockholm Syndrome. Well, not exactly, because I am able to go out with friends on Saturday nights. I just never hear of anything really going on. And when there is something going on..... I am left with no feasible way to go. There is a lot going on this weekend that does not require kids to tag along, but with DH away on his annual "fishing" trip (which is usually a drinking fest with his friends to return home with no fish, a sunburn and a hangover), I have no sitter to watch DD... only me. Well, there is that, but also if I was to actually have fun like my friends.... I face the harsh reality that DH gets miffed because having fun comes at a cost which makes me less than ambitious to do the grocery shopping or anything he just might want to do. I know it is a rare thing, but he seems to be motivated to do things when I get the opportunity to have a few beers in my system that creates a slight hangover the next day. I am not that heavy of a drinker, so hangovers are common for me.
With the extended weekend that we just had, I figured that we would do something together as a family beyond the weekly grocery shopping trip, but alas... we did not. DH planted himself in the recliner (with remote in hand) and watched a marathon of "How it's made" on the science channel. While I do enjoy a little educational TV from time to time, I just could not sit there and watch episode after episode, all day. Between the obvious "snore-fest" of the TV going all day, DH took random naps here and there. DD stayed in her room with the laptop and her Nintendo keeping her company. I decided to read from my Kindle while taking random breaks to find something else to do. My desire to be attached to the computer with Facebook is getting less and less and the games that I was suckered into playing are becoming droll. As the day progressed, DH did get motivated to do something, but nagged the living daylights out of DD and I to ride our bikes around the block. DD and her resolve was held firm, as I finally started to get a little miffed at his persistence. A ride around the block was not what I wanted to do, but I did it so he could just stop nagging me. I actually had no clue what I wanted to do, but I had to get out of the house and away from the boring sound of the narrator that talks through every episode of "how it's made". I got to the point I really hated learning how they make stuff. I was in agony! After looking at the clock slowly trek forward, I was starting to slowly lose my mind.
While I could have easily gone back to doing my usual housework, I just cannot seem to do that while I have people lounging around in the house. Cleaning is a chore I loathe, but prefer to do it alone. Probably because I hate feeling rude to those that are around me. Maybe I even seem to be starving to have interaction with people.... I am alone at home most of the time. Also, if DH is doing nothing to help me.... I just hate being watched as I scurry about doing housework.
With obviously nothing being done and a full day of back to back episodes of the same boring show on the TV.... I was at my wits end! Trapped and miserable seemed to fit the bill for the day. Thank goodness that is over and now I am back to some remote feeling that things are back to "normal", but saddened that this is what holiday weekends are going to be.... Droll TV, snoring husband, hidden daughter, and boredom that borders upon feeling like I had a lobotomy.
Of course, today is a tough day for me. My best friend in the whole world is in her car, heading off to her new life in Vegas today. Tomorrow, DH heads off for his annual "fishing" trip. Then it will be just DD and I. At least I have a few things bouncing around in my head for her and I to do. I think she is just about as willing as I am to do something different. I know we are planning on going to dinner with my mom some time this week and maybe even catch a movie, too. Bowling, golf range, arcade.... who knows. Maybe we will even take a train ride to the city and do a little sight seeing. Too many choices, but too little money to work with. I just hope we agree on something fun to do because my saint-like patience has been but to the test and is running quite low.
Well, back to the usual stuff..... and welcome stuff that is (hahaha).... Have a great day everyone!
Ever since I gave DH the checkbook to face the reality that his relaxed attitude about collecting a paycheck is hurting us, he has taken on the role of a hermit and has dragged us with him. We rarely ever do anything beyond the usual grocery shopping trip. The last time we went somewhere remotely fun was to my mother's birthday dinner. We have not gone to the zoo, the park, the movies, or even out to dinner in so long that I am beginning to feel the effects of Stockholm Syndrome. Well, not exactly, because I am able to go out with friends on Saturday nights. I just never hear of anything really going on. And when there is something going on..... I am left with no feasible way to go. There is a lot going on this weekend that does not require kids to tag along, but with DH away on his annual "fishing" trip (which is usually a drinking fest with his friends to return home with no fish, a sunburn and a hangover), I have no sitter to watch DD... only me. Well, there is that, but also if I was to actually have fun like my friends.... I face the harsh reality that DH gets miffed because having fun comes at a cost which makes me less than ambitious to do the grocery shopping or anything he just might want to do. I know it is a rare thing, but he seems to be motivated to do things when I get the opportunity to have a few beers in my system that creates a slight hangover the next day. I am not that heavy of a drinker, so hangovers are common for me.
With the extended weekend that we just had, I figured that we would do something together as a family beyond the weekly grocery shopping trip, but alas... we did not. DH planted himself in the recliner (with remote in hand) and watched a marathon of "How it's made" on the science channel. While I do enjoy a little educational TV from time to time, I just could not sit there and watch episode after episode, all day. Between the obvious "snore-fest" of the TV going all day, DH took random naps here and there. DD stayed in her room with the laptop and her Nintendo keeping her company. I decided to read from my Kindle while taking random breaks to find something else to do. My desire to be attached to the computer with Facebook is getting less and less and the games that I was suckered into playing are becoming droll. As the day progressed, DH did get motivated to do something, but nagged the living daylights out of DD and I to ride our bikes around the block. DD and her resolve was held firm, as I finally started to get a little miffed at his persistence. A ride around the block was not what I wanted to do, but I did it so he could just stop nagging me. I actually had no clue what I wanted to do, but I had to get out of the house and away from the boring sound of the narrator that talks through every episode of "how it's made". I got to the point I really hated learning how they make stuff. I was in agony! After looking at the clock slowly trek forward, I was starting to slowly lose my mind.
While I could have easily gone back to doing my usual housework, I just cannot seem to do that while I have people lounging around in the house. Cleaning is a chore I loathe, but prefer to do it alone. Probably because I hate feeling rude to those that are around me. Maybe I even seem to be starving to have interaction with people.... I am alone at home most of the time. Also, if DH is doing nothing to help me.... I just hate being watched as I scurry about doing housework.
With obviously nothing being done and a full day of back to back episodes of the same boring show on the TV.... I was at my wits end! Trapped and miserable seemed to fit the bill for the day. Thank goodness that is over and now I am back to some remote feeling that things are back to "normal", but saddened that this is what holiday weekends are going to be.... Droll TV, snoring husband, hidden daughter, and boredom that borders upon feeling like I had a lobotomy.
Of course, today is a tough day for me. My best friend in the whole world is in her car, heading off to her new life in Vegas today. Tomorrow, DH heads off for his annual "fishing" trip. Then it will be just DD and I. At least I have a few things bouncing around in my head for her and I to do. I think she is just about as willing as I am to do something different. I know we are planning on going to dinner with my mom some time this week and maybe even catch a movie, too. Bowling, golf range, arcade.... who knows. Maybe we will even take a train ride to the city and do a little sight seeing. Too many choices, but too little money to work with. I just hope we agree on something fun to do because my saint-like patience has been but to the test and is running quite low.
Well, back to the usual stuff..... and welcome stuff that is (hahaha).... Have a great day everyone!
Monday, May 28, 2012
Just an observation....
Not too long ago, a co-worker asked me a question for her client. Her question was..... "Why are girls attracted to bad boys and not this really good guy (pointing in the direction of her client)?"
Her client looks at me with obvious curiosity to what my answer will be....
I decided to clarify that question and make sure that he was ready for a really honest answer.... He was.
A smile came across my face (my usual softening tactic when I have to be brutally honest), pondered my words, and said the honest truth..... Girls swoon at guys that pose a challenge. They have a deeply ingrained sense that they need to "fix" him, and apparently there is nothing to "fix".
To all those readers of my blog that happen to be of the male species: I know that you are probably shouting "FIX HIM??? WTF!!! Men do not want to be fixed...." I am painfully aware of the sentiment, but it is true, in a sense. Women are natural born nurturers. We are emotional creatures that yearn to be wanted and needed. Our sense of connection is more emotional than physical. While we appreciate the physical attention, we look at encompassing every emotional aspect available in our minds.
Now, just an interesting thought or even observation that I have not gotten a solid answer for, but can only assume what I think is true. Men are more visual than emotional. They see what they want, pursue it and revert back to who they are. Men seem to love the chase, but once it gets more emotional.... they high-tail it to the hills. While they are capable of emotion, it is far more reserved because they like to have control at all times. The depth of commitment is quite shallow in their minds. Encompassing all those emotional aspects is droll and frankly, a pain in the ass. Men like simple things, while in their opinion.... women are just too complicated and wonder why women get so wound up over what they see is trivial crap.
Yes, men can be complicated, too. At least in the eyes of women. We have a hard time grasping that men will think differently than women. But in all honesty..... we do have a fair number of similarities, but refuse to take a stroll in the other's shoes to understand it. Here are a few observations that I noticed.....
*Women want the "bad boy" look, but desire the soft spoken romantic. It is in how the exterior contradicts the interior.
*Men's pursuit is purely sexual, but do want a deeper connection mentally. Yet another contradiction between what is on the outside to what is on the inside.
*When it comes to "the chase", both men and women spend a lot of attention to the details. What you wear, what you say, what you do, and how you act. Once the chase proves fruitful and you acquired your intended goal (sometimes 'victim' comes to mind because there are some serious 'cereal daters' out there), you relax from the comfort that you have their undivided attention; they are not looking to go anywhere else, and revert to who you are that obviously is the polar opposite of who you portrayed to get them in the first place. (BTW... I have solid proof of this scenario quite a few times. I was pursued by a courteous and thoughtful guy to later find out he was a total control freak. He certainly was not that when I first met him, but became that shortly after I accepted his request to be his girlfriend.... Heck, I married a guy that told me he loved me numerous times before I said it once and after we got married... I no longer get any random share of the emotion from him.)
*Once settled in a relationship, we find every little annoyance there is about that person. During that courtship stage (aka the chase) has run its course, our "smitten" goggles come off and we see clearly what we chose to settle upon and get a bit angry. Women acted aloof to snare the attention of their guy, and men acted well out of their element to woo their girl.... Now, women want that continual stream of wooing and men want their women to shut the hell up and stay aloof. People are driven by insecurity to keep what they got.... Both men and women can agree on this. Sadly, a woman's insecurity can be paralyzing and destructive to the foundation of the relationship. Men's, on the other hand, are only spurred by jealousy which can be disguised as looking like a knight in shining armor.
*Conversations and physical acts: Men do not communicate as well as women. Women are not as insatiable as men. Trying harder to strengthen their weaknesses would be ideal, but DNA makes it really hard to try. Women vent feelings while men try to decipher if they have to "fix it" or "defend their actions that they feel they are being chastised for". Men take comfort in physical contact as the best form of communication while women see it as non-verbal.
Correct me if I am wrong, but I think my observations are spot on. I think I am starting to understand more, but understand less at the same time because of it. It is not like I need to have all the answers, but it does not hurt to understand more. Somewhere in these observations is the answer to my problem, but how do I fix something that most likely is not broken to begin with. It only seems broken because I am looking at this through the eyes of a woman and not a man. Also, I cannot seem to get DH's point of view of things. He just seems to shut down every time I try to get him to open up. Quite frustrating is all I can say about that.... Oh well.... Just observations... No facts.... What do you think?????
Her client looks at me with obvious curiosity to what my answer will be....
I decided to clarify that question and make sure that he was ready for a really honest answer.... He was.
A smile came across my face (my usual softening tactic when I have to be brutally honest), pondered my words, and said the honest truth..... Girls swoon at guys that pose a challenge. They have a deeply ingrained sense that they need to "fix" him, and apparently there is nothing to "fix".
To all those readers of my blog that happen to be of the male species: I know that you are probably shouting "FIX HIM??? WTF!!! Men do not want to be fixed...." I am painfully aware of the sentiment, but it is true, in a sense. Women are natural born nurturers. We are emotional creatures that yearn to be wanted and needed. Our sense of connection is more emotional than physical. While we appreciate the physical attention, we look at encompassing every emotional aspect available in our minds.
Now, just an interesting thought or even observation that I have not gotten a solid answer for, but can only assume what I think is true. Men are more visual than emotional. They see what they want, pursue it and revert back to who they are. Men seem to love the chase, but once it gets more emotional.... they high-tail it to the hills. While they are capable of emotion, it is far more reserved because they like to have control at all times. The depth of commitment is quite shallow in their minds. Encompassing all those emotional aspects is droll and frankly, a pain in the ass. Men like simple things, while in their opinion.... women are just too complicated and wonder why women get so wound up over what they see is trivial crap.
Yes, men can be complicated, too. At least in the eyes of women. We have a hard time grasping that men will think differently than women. But in all honesty..... we do have a fair number of similarities, but refuse to take a stroll in the other's shoes to understand it. Here are a few observations that I noticed.....
*Women want the "bad boy" look, but desire the soft spoken romantic. It is in how the exterior contradicts the interior.
*Men's pursuit is purely sexual, but do want a deeper connection mentally. Yet another contradiction between what is on the outside to what is on the inside.
*When it comes to "the chase", both men and women spend a lot of attention to the details. What you wear, what you say, what you do, and how you act. Once the chase proves fruitful and you acquired your intended goal (sometimes 'victim' comes to mind because there are some serious 'cereal daters' out there), you relax from the comfort that you have their undivided attention; they are not looking to go anywhere else, and revert to who you are that obviously is the polar opposite of who you portrayed to get them in the first place. (BTW... I have solid proof of this scenario quite a few times. I was pursued by a courteous and thoughtful guy to later find out he was a total control freak. He certainly was not that when I first met him, but became that shortly after I accepted his request to be his girlfriend.... Heck, I married a guy that told me he loved me numerous times before I said it once and after we got married... I no longer get any random share of the emotion from him.)
*Once settled in a relationship, we find every little annoyance there is about that person. During that courtship stage (aka the chase) has run its course, our "smitten" goggles come off and we see clearly what we chose to settle upon and get a bit angry. Women acted aloof to snare the attention of their guy, and men acted well out of their element to woo their girl.... Now, women want that continual stream of wooing and men want their women to shut the hell up and stay aloof. People are driven by insecurity to keep what they got.... Both men and women can agree on this. Sadly, a woman's insecurity can be paralyzing and destructive to the foundation of the relationship. Men's, on the other hand, are only spurred by jealousy which can be disguised as looking like a knight in shining armor.
*Conversations and physical acts: Men do not communicate as well as women. Women are not as insatiable as men. Trying harder to strengthen their weaknesses would be ideal, but DNA makes it really hard to try. Women vent feelings while men try to decipher if they have to "fix it" or "defend their actions that they feel they are being chastised for". Men take comfort in physical contact as the best form of communication while women see it as non-verbal.
Correct me if I am wrong, but I think my observations are spot on. I think I am starting to understand more, but understand less at the same time because of it. It is not like I need to have all the answers, but it does not hurt to understand more. Somewhere in these observations is the answer to my problem, but how do I fix something that most likely is not broken to begin with. It only seems broken because I am looking at this through the eyes of a woman and not a man. Also, I cannot seem to get DH's point of view of things. He just seems to shut down every time I try to get him to open up. Quite frustrating is all I can say about that.... Oh well.... Just observations... No facts.... What do you think?????
Friday, May 25, 2012
What a friend is......
Friends come in all shapes and sizes, but it those select few that remain true to who they are that touch our soul. With advances in communication, people from all over the world can keep in touch through social medias. In fact, what we thought was a small circle of people we call "friend" somehow grows to a dizzying rate when the barriers are broken down when social media comes and makes its appearance center stage.
Really, has it crossed anyone's mind that through social media, like Facebook, your friend base suddenly gets bigger than you ever thought? And not all of them are really your friends. They are acquaintances. Tell me this..... How many of your Facebook friends would "have your back" no matter what? How many of those people that you have as friends really care what you think, have a remotely care in the world how you are really feeling, or even take the time to actually offer an honest feeling without masking it in sarcasm, humor or distain? Not many, I can tell you that. What we do have in life is a very small number of people that we can really count on. I happen to know that all too well. In fact, I learned how small my list is of the true friends I have.
People have two sides to them when it comes to social media. The image they want you to see and the true self that they are. Some have mastered being a friend to all, but manage to do something that is not so friendly away from the prying eyes of society that share the same social media outlet. Some stay true to who they are. Others may pose to be the opposite by showcasing a crude or crass persona on a social media, but are quite kind when away from flaunting their "puffery" for the world to see. I just do not understand why a person needs to be different than who they really are. Is it a defense mechanism? Or is it a cry for attention? Nobody will ever know because the truth always stays hidden for the world to see. I guess that is why that old saying... "never judge a book by its cover" is so true. Nobody truly gets to know you when all you flaunt is the cover and never let anyone open the book and get to know its contents.
Late last night... I got a text from a friend. Everyone was in bed, except for me. I was taking some time to relax with a book and enjoy the comfort of knowing that my family is safe at home. In all honesty, I think I appreciate my family more when they are peacefully resting.... less bantering going on. After reading the text from my friend, I knew they needed someone to talk to. While sending texts back and forth is far quieter than talking, we knew that there is not enough time to wait for the text to arrive, reply, and send back to carry a conversation. Taking my cell phone down to the lowest level of my home, I called my friend to talk. I find it funny at how a simple conversation regarding one thing can morph into a fully blown chat session. I really did not mind that I was on the phone that late or for that long. My friend needed me. While we talked about various things, I became quite humbled at how my friend points out that I happen to have a very full life with a lot of true friends.... you know.... the ones that have your back. That will stand up for you when you are not there to stand up for yourself. In all honesty, I only have a handful of friends like that. It is not much, but in the grand scheme of it all.... Isn't that all we really need? That friend that we can rely upon for an honest opinion (even if the truth hurts), that friend that does not care what time it is to talk because you know that they need someone to talk to, that friend that could read between the lines of a Facebook status and know better, that friend that you know who would be in the front row of your funeral with honest tears in their eyes.... The list is endless, but you get what I am saying, right? The truest of friend keeps your secrets and respects who you are. A friend that can pick you up when you feel down and not care how silly they need to be in order to make you feel better. The love between friends is pretty darn close to the love a child has for their parents. It is unconditional because no matter how life throws those curve balls that could possibly derail a friendship, you work to keep it on track. Friends will fight, but they always find a solution in the end that continues to keep the bond strong. I believe that is something we all possess... a strong will to be a good friend. Sadly, there will be some that are not and they choose to be that way. Their only true friend is the one they see in the mirror. I just have a hard time fathoming that being a happy or fulfilling life.
In our long conversation, I was forewarned again that my nice nature is not always appreciated. I was informed that something was said about me from a person I thought was my friend that was not nice at all. Stunned at what was said, I felt sick over it, but my friend assured me that they had my back and stood up for me. At first, I was not sure if I could believe that happened, but this friend that stood up for me had no reason to lie. In fact, they have never lied to me and I know that is the truth. It was their reaction when it happened that had me realize that even more that they are one of those friends that has my back... no matter what. Humbled from the knowledge and appreciative for what they have done is what is left from that conversation. What hurts the most is that I probably will remain the same person because of this.... I still cannot build the wall to be someone that I am not to protect myself from incidences like that from happening ever again. I am who I am... What you see is the truth. Getting hurt is part of life. I am just really good at taking the punches that get thrown at me, but when those punches are done behind my back and I am told about them..... well, that just hurts because I always believed there is good in everyone I know. I am just so thankful that I have a friend that was in my corner when it happened.
Thank you, friend. You know who you are :)
Really, has it crossed anyone's mind that through social media, like Facebook, your friend base suddenly gets bigger than you ever thought? And not all of them are really your friends. They are acquaintances. Tell me this..... How many of your Facebook friends would "have your back" no matter what? How many of those people that you have as friends really care what you think, have a remotely care in the world how you are really feeling, or even take the time to actually offer an honest feeling without masking it in sarcasm, humor or distain? Not many, I can tell you that. What we do have in life is a very small number of people that we can really count on. I happen to know that all too well. In fact, I learned how small my list is of the true friends I have.
People have two sides to them when it comes to social media. The image they want you to see and the true self that they are. Some have mastered being a friend to all, but manage to do something that is not so friendly away from the prying eyes of society that share the same social media outlet. Some stay true to who they are. Others may pose to be the opposite by showcasing a crude or crass persona on a social media, but are quite kind when away from flaunting their "puffery" for the world to see. I just do not understand why a person needs to be different than who they really are. Is it a defense mechanism? Or is it a cry for attention? Nobody will ever know because the truth always stays hidden for the world to see. I guess that is why that old saying... "never judge a book by its cover" is so true. Nobody truly gets to know you when all you flaunt is the cover and never let anyone open the book and get to know its contents.
Late last night... I got a text from a friend. Everyone was in bed, except for me. I was taking some time to relax with a book and enjoy the comfort of knowing that my family is safe at home. In all honesty, I think I appreciate my family more when they are peacefully resting.... less bantering going on. After reading the text from my friend, I knew they needed someone to talk to. While sending texts back and forth is far quieter than talking, we knew that there is not enough time to wait for the text to arrive, reply, and send back to carry a conversation. Taking my cell phone down to the lowest level of my home, I called my friend to talk. I find it funny at how a simple conversation regarding one thing can morph into a fully blown chat session. I really did not mind that I was on the phone that late or for that long. My friend needed me. While we talked about various things, I became quite humbled at how my friend points out that I happen to have a very full life with a lot of true friends.... you know.... the ones that have your back. That will stand up for you when you are not there to stand up for yourself. In all honesty, I only have a handful of friends like that. It is not much, but in the grand scheme of it all.... Isn't that all we really need? That friend that we can rely upon for an honest opinion (even if the truth hurts), that friend that does not care what time it is to talk because you know that they need someone to talk to, that friend that could read between the lines of a Facebook status and know better, that friend that you know who would be in the front row of your funeral with honest tears in their eyes.... The list is endless, but you get what I am saying, right? The truest of friend keeps your secrets and respects who you are. A friend that can pick you up when you feel down and not care how silly they need to be in order to make you feel better. The love between friends is pretty darn close to the love a child has for their parents. It is unconditional because no matter how life throws those curve balls that could possibly derail a friendship, you work to keep it on track. Friends will fight, but they always find a solution in the end that continues to keep the bond strong. I believe that is something we all possess... a strong will to be a good friend. Sadly, there will be some that are not and they choose to be that way. Their only true friend is the one they see in the mirror. I just have a hard time fathoming that being a happy or fulfilling life.
In our long conversation, I was forewarned again that my nice nature is not always appreciated. I was informed that something was said about me from a person I thought was my friend that was not nice at all. Stunned at what was said, I felt sick over it, but my friend assured me that they had my back and stood up for me. At first, I was not sure if I could believe that happened, but this friend that stood up for me had no reason to lie. In fact, they have never lied to me and I know that is the truth. It was their reaction when it happened that had me realize that even more that they are one of those friends that has my back... no matter what. Humbled from the knowledge and appreciative for what they have done is what is left from that conversation. What hurts the most is that I probably will remain the same person because of this.... I still cannot build the wall to be someone that I am not to protect myself from incidences like that from happening ever again. I am who I am... What you see is the truth. Getting hurt is part of life. I am just really good at taking the punches that get thrown at me, but when those punches are done behind my back and I am told about them..... well, that just hurts because I always believed there is good in everyone I know. I am just so thankful that I have a friend that was in my corner when it happened.
Thank you, friend. You know who you are :)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Trying, and failing....
Everything is in place and dinner is almost done.
I sure hope that he likes what I made for dinner.
The child is at a friend's house for the next two hours.
It will be just him and I... alone.
One last look in the full length mirror. Makeup done, dressed in something less frumpy, new hairstyle freshly re-coiffed.
I sure hope he likes my hair.
Check the clock.
He should be home any minute.
Anticipation builds.....
A familiar sound makes its way through the open windows. It is a beautiful evening as fresh air gently blows. Clear skies, the sun is settling for the day, and the humidity is fairly low.
Great hair weather.
The door opens and a familiar voice fills the dim.
"Hello everybody! I am home!"
"Hello, dear. How was your day?"
"Good, Crazy busy, but good. What is for dinner?"
"I figured I would make tacos. I am almost done. It should not take long. Why not kick back and relax for a bit."
"Tacos... my favorite! Okay. Where is the remote? Oh, never mind... I found it. Where is everyone?"
"It is just you and I for dinner tonight."
"Oh..."
"I figured that we should have a little alone time.... quality time."
"Oh."
The TV turns on. He finds his favorite channel and one of his favorite shows in on. I know it is a rerun. I can almost recite every line. Sheesh! How predictable! I roll my eyes. I sure hope that he looks up at least once in my direction. With the way I look.... I could not be any more obvious that I need him to pay a little attention to me.
"Dinner is ready. Want to have me make a plate for you?"
"Nah. I can get it myself."
"Okay. Help yourself. You want to eat in the dining room with me?
"Nah. I just want to watch some TV, eat some dinner and relax."
"Oh, okay." I frown. "Is it okay that I join you?"
"Sure." He walks in and looks at me. "Is that a new outfit?"
"No. Just a new top. Got it on sale when I was out running an errand. We were out of fabric softener and saw it. I figured that $5 was a deal. I hope you don't mind. I also stopped at my work and got my hair done. What do you think?
(silence) -- (sigh of frustration)
"Did I do something wrong?"
(glaring, eyes close tight, and another sigh of frustration)
A knot forms in my stomach. Bracing myself for the worst. I splurged on myself. He did not notice the new candle on the table, emitting a clean scent of lilacs. DAMN! I know that my efforts just placed some new, unwanted stress on his shoulders.
"Nancy.... Not to sound like a prick, but we just cannot afford to buy stuff we just happen to want. Heck, I would just love to get all kinds of things for myself, but do you see me buying them?"
"No." Looking down, feeling the sting of his tone. "I'm sorry."
"You seem to forget that my paycheck is gone before I even get it! We have a house filled with crap and we seem to be using only half of it! We cannot live with all of this excess! Do we really need another pot or pan to cook with? We have a cabinet filled with that stuff and yet I see another pan in this house!"
"It is only a shirt..." I say quietly. "More than half of the ones I do own are ruined and I rarely ever buy myself something. I thought $5 was a deal. I guess I am wrong... again."
"Oh stop with the dramatics! I knew you would take this as me being the bad guy!"
I say nothing. Head down. A nauseous feeling takes hold.
"Now you are gonna shut me out, right? I was just saying it like it is, damn it!"
His exasperated sigh is that I will be trapped in a room with silence. Anger in his eyes as he looks at me.
I try to keep my mouth shut to avoid a fight, but I decided to speak....
"I just wanted to look nice for you. It seems like you do not look at me like you used to. In fact, you do not look at me really at all. I was hoping that you and I could have some quality time together... That we can have something like a date since it has been years since we have had one. While I know that it is hard to have an actual date when we have a child to consider, I was just hoping that we could reconnect while she is away. Apparently, I was wrong. I am not hungry... I need to take a drive. I will pick up our daughter while I am out. Enjoy your dinner. I know that this is your favorite."
As I grab my purse and keys, he speaks again....
"Thanks for dinner."
I say nothing and walk out the door.
I get into my truck and put the key in the ignition. Letting the engine roar to life, I turn up the stereo and wipe a single tear from my eye. I pull out of the driveway and just drive. Windows open, I head for the highway. I need to drive faster than what the residential streets have for a speed limit. I need for the wind to whip around my hair. I seek the touch of something to calm me down. I don't get touched. Rarely ever a hug from him, just a predictable peck on the lips when he leaves for work or just before he heads off to bed. The words 'I love you' sounding more like a rehearsed expectation. I look at it as a sign that I have not managed to piss him off. I at least get to hear that a few times a day (when he leaves for work, when we end a phone call, and just before he heads off to bed). That should be good enough, right? Married life is not supposed to be roses and romantic gestures, right? This is as good as it is gonna get, Nancy. You are being too demanding! He works all day and really does not want to be bothered with the trivial crap. Maybe his outburst is because he had a frustrating day. He said "busy, crazy busy"... Maybe he will calm down once I return home... doubtful, but a girl can hope, right? I shake my head in defeat. I know what will happen next.... He will act sugary-sweet towards our daughter, but under the surface... he is not. I will get the silent treatment again. I wonder how many days will this infraction cost me? It was just a $5 shirt (and a candle that he failed to notice). Oh Nancy, you silly child!! You are out driving and this truck does not run on air.....it runs on gas and that costs money, too. I am screwed!
Back to the drawing board.... Getting his attention by changing my look FAILED.
(FYI: This is not a recent event. This happened years ago. I have not bought myself another thing without permission.)
I sure hope that he likes what I made for dinner.
The child is at a friend's house for the next two hours.
It will be just him and I... alone.
One last look in the full length mirror. Makeup done, dressed in something less frumpy, new hairstyle freshly re-coiffed.
I sure hope he likes my hair.
Check the clock.
He should be home any minute.
Anticipation builds.....
A familiar sound makes its way through the open windows. It is a beautiful evening as fresh air gently blows. Clear skies, the sun is settling for the day, and the humidity is fairly low.
Great hair weather.
The door opens and a familiar voice fills the dim.
"Hello everybody! I am home!"
"Hello, dear. How was your day?"
"Good, Crazy busy, but good. What is for dinner?"
"I figured I would make tacos. I am almost done. It should not take long. Why not kick back and relax for a bit."
"Tacos... my favorite! Okay. Where is the remote? Oh, never mind... I found it. Where is everyone?"
"It is just you and I for dinner tonight."
"Oh..."
"I figured that we should have a little alone time.... quality time."
"Oh."
The TV turns on. He finds his favorite channel and one of his favorite shows in on. I know it is a rerun. I can almost recite every line. Sheesh! How predictable! I roll my eyes. I sure hope that he looks up at least once in my direction. With the way I look.... I could not be any more obvious that I need him to pay a little attention to me.
"Dinner is ready. Want to have me make a plate for you?"
"Nah. I can get it myself."
"Okay. Help yourself. You want to eat in the dining room with me?
"Nah. I just want to watch some TV, eat some dinner and relax."
"Oh, okay." I frown. "Is it okay that I join you?"
"Sure." He walks in and looks at me. "Is that a new outfit?"
"No. Just a new top. Got it on sale when I was out running an errand. We were out of fabric softener and saw it. I figured that $5 was a deal. I hope you don't mind. I also stopped at my work and got my hair done. What do you think?
(silence) -- (sigh of frustration)
"Did I do something wrong?"
(glaring, eyes close tight, and another sigh of frustration)
A knot forms in my stomach. Bracing myself for the worst. I splurged on myself. He did not notice the new candle on the table, emitting a clean scent of lilacs. DAMN! I know that my efforts just placed some new, unwanted stress on his shoulders.
"Nancy.... Not to sound like a prick, but we just cannot afford to buy stuff we just happen to want. Heck, I would just love to get all kinds of things for myself, but do you see me buying them?"
"No." Looking down, feeling the sting of his tone. "I'm sorry."
"You seem to forget that my paycheck is gone before I even get it! We have a house filled with crap and we seem to be using only half of it! We cannot live with all of this excess! Do we really need another pot or pan to cook with? We have a cabinet filled with that stuff and yet I see another pan in this house!"
"It is only a shirt..." I say quietly. "More than half of the ones I do own are ruined and I rarely ever buy myself something. I thought $5 was a deal. I guess I am wrong... again."
"Oh stop with the dramatics! I knew you would take this as me being the bad guy!"
I say nothing. Head down. A nauseous feeling takes hold.
"Now you are gonna shut me out, right? I was just saying it like it is, damn it!"
His exasperated sigh is that I will be trapped in a room with silence. Anger in his eyes as he looks at me.
I try to keep my mouth shut to avoid a fight, but I decided to speak....
"I just wanted to look nice for you. It seems like you do not look at me like you used to. In fact, you do not look at me really at all. I was hoping that you and I could have some quality time together... That we can have something like a date since it has been years since we have had one. While I know that it is hard to have an actual date when we have a child to consider, I was just hoping that we could reconnect while she is away. Apparently, I was wrong. I am not hungry... I need to take a drive. I will pick up our daughter while I am out. Enjoy your dinner. I know that this is your favorite."
As I grab my purse and keys, he speaks again....
"Thanks for dinner."
I say nothing and walk out the door.
I get into my truck and put the key in the ignition. Letting the engine roar to life, I turn up the stereo and wipe a single tear from my eye. I pull out of the driveway and just drive. Windows open, I head for the highway. I need to drive faster than what the residential streets have for a speed limit. I need for the wind to whip around my hair. I seek the touch of something to calm me down. I don't get touched. Rarely ever a hug from him, just a predictable peck on the lips when he leaves for work or just before he heads off to bed. The words 'I love you' sounding more like a rehearsed expectation. I look at it as a sign that I have not managed to piss him off. I at least get to hear that a few times a day (when he leaves for work, when we end a phone call, and just before he heads off to bed). That should be good enough, right? Married life is not supposed to be roses and romantic gestures, right? This is as good as it is gonna get, Nancy. You are being too demanding! He works all day and really does not want to be bothered with the trivial crap. Maybe his outburst is because he had a frustrating day. He said "busy, crazy busy"... Maybe he will calm down once I return home... doubtful, but a girl can hope, right? I shake my head in defeat. I know what will happen next.... He will act sugary-sweet towards our daughter, but under the surface... he is not. I will get the silent treatment again. I wonder how many days will this infraction cost me? It was just a $5 shirt (and a candle that he failed to notice). Oh Nancy, you silly child!! You are out driving and this truck does not run on air.....it runs on gas and that costs money, too. I am screwed!
Back to the drawing board.... Getting his attention by changing my look FAILED.
(FYI: This is not a recent event. This happened years ago. I have not bought myself another thing without permission.)
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