I think it is a definite "it's just me" scenario happening here....

Hello.  It has been a little while since I blogged about anything.  I am not sure why I feel the need to share on this topic, but the need presented itself, so here goes.....

Have you ever heard the phrase, "It's not you... it's me"?  Usually, this phrase is used as a go-to for breaking up with a person that you feel compelled to not hurt their feelings in the process.  I really doubt that the person getting dumped is accepting this excuse as fact regardless of how compelling the person dumping them is shelling it out.  At least I was never all that agreeable with the excuse, but when I heard that phrase a time or two from my past....  I accepted it with grace and moved on.  There were some times I actually felt that this phrase was accurate more than not.  Their loss, my gain is all I have to say about that.

Well, when that phrase is used to describe a situation that you have dealt with for years....  It actually is more hurtful than helpful.  Here is what I mean....

For the 15+ years I have been with DH, I can say that I have done roughly 99% of the cooking.  DH has attempted to cook for me only a couple of times and most of it was reheating leftovers.  There were two times he cooked from start to finish.  One time was scrambled eggs after I came home from getting my gall bladder taken out.  The other time was when he actually tried to cook from a recipe.  That one time actually scared me a little.  When as person asks "what does tsp mean? and what is the difference between a tsp and a TBSP.", a person will stand up and take notice that there is room for grave error.

Now, in "normal" home situations, the one cooking gets blessed with the one eating doing the dishes for them.  That is not the case here, apparently.  Well, upon recent events....  It does not happen when I cook only.

Just a couple of days ago, DD decided to help me with making dinner.  She realized that when we do the weekly shopping, I select one meal that does not require really any cooking skills.  If you can heat an oven, boil water, or use the microwave... you can have dinner done rather quickly.  The idiot-proof dinner of the week was pasta with jarred pasta sauce.  Something both DD and DH can handle without much problems, but usually ended up being my responsibility anyway.  Well, DD took the initiative to boil the water and add the pasta from the box.  Once she did that, she asked me how long the pasta needs to cook.  I told her to read the box and the answer will be there for her and she was off being the "chef" for the evening.  After dinner was "made", we ate.  THEN, the most strange thing happened....

DH washed the dishes!?!?!?!?  Without being asked!?!?!?!? AND no complaining about it????  WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT?????

As I have mentioned, I have done roughly 99% of the cooking here and not once has DH offered to wash the dishes without complaint or argument.  I thought it must be some kind of fluke that this was happening, but I came to the quick realization that DH is willing to assist DD, but not me.  Huh, I wonder if I had DD do all the cooking... would DH do all the dishes, too?  Well, that plan was short-lived since DD has shown no interest in cooking since and I have done the cooking.  Which, by the way, resulted in me washing the dishes afterwards.

Yep, a classic case of "it's just me".  Somehow I am the hub of the situation.  I don't get to warrant getting any help.  Probably because I happen to do everything myself.  The reason why it is like this?  Because no matter how hard I try to entice my family to participate in even one measly chore, it would sit there... unattended to... until I go and take care of it myself.  Trust me, I have tried to turn a blind eye to the pile of dishes in the sink.  I have tried to turn a blind eye to the pile of laundry, the un-swept floor, the dusty furniture, the garbage sitting on the table, and even the stuffed garbage can that needs to be emptied.  I don't even have that low of a threshold of patience because I once went into complete shutdown mode for a solid week when it came to general cleaning, two weeks for laundry detail, and at least a full day when it comes to the dishes.

Well, I just do not know where to go from here.  My family is more determined to do nothing and have me do it all.  That is definitely something to be concerned about, but there was one shred of hope in this miserable found fact from theory....  If I was ever to become incapacitated, they do happen to help each other out if they were forced to do it.  Doubtful that it would be very long lived, since restaurants do exist, maid services can be hired, and laundromats have drop off/pick up services.  I just happen to save money by doing all of this for them and not get paid to do so.  It is a very sad thought that I am considered the cheap labor.... better yet.... the free labor.

*Oh, by the way...  During the past week, I have been called in to work from the substitute list and earned something to help with the family finances.  Of course, it is not something consistent, but what I earned has gone towards the bills which makes DH happy.  I am still trying to find more stable work with a stable paycheck, but getting called in from time to time is definitely a welcome thing.  Sadly, being away from home does not guarantee help from the family to maintain the house.  I still do that when I walk in the door at the end of the day.  I just wonder.....  can I keep up doing everything for everyone in the long haul?  I am a little too tired to answer that.

Well, thanks for reading and have a great day!

Why?

Why is the tried and true statement of... "hard work pays off in the end"... appearing like it is a complete and utter lie?  Here is what I mean.....

I have been a hairdresser for almost 28 years and I have tried just about everything that has been suggested to me in order to build a clientele to only end up falling painfully short.

I really do not know what I am doing wrong, per se, but I am watching others build a clientele like gangbusters and never seem to break a sweat!  I listen to the client, I do as asked and I always do quality work, but I just cannot seem to build.  I do out of my way for my clients as well as offer a sympathetic ear to the woes of life.  My clients walk  in with expectations and they walk out with their expectations met, if not exceeded.

I understand the financial woes out there.  People are losing their jobs as well as trying to look for ways to save a buck here and there.  Believe me.... I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR!  What seems to fall short for me is the lack of referrals as well as consistent repeat business.  I have been reasonable, I do not demand anything beyond what they can afford.  I offer deals upon deals and I am darn near selling my soul in order to get a client in my seat at the salon.  I go through business cards like confetti and still there is not one new client or consistent repeat client!  I am getting the feeling that I am being sabotaged at my workplace.  Here are a few things that seem to be grabbing my attention......

I used to have a really good build of clients last year.  In fact, I was starting to feel pretty darn confident that I would be able to add an additional day to accommodate the demand.  In fact, I was in the process of asking my clients what other day of the week would they like to have me available for them.  Even though I always made myself so accommodating with going in on days/evenings that I was not scheduled to work, I just could not hone down to which day would be the chosen one for maximum client building.  I was nearing a final decision and BAM... a serious decrease in clients.

Now, don't get me wrong.... I do happen to have some people that would prefer for me to get all the money for services rendered and asked me if I could do the ultimate accommodation of traveling to their home or place of employment.  With full understanding that I am offering that specific person a deal, it suddenly became a frenzy of friends wanting the deals I was offering when I went on location instead of going to see me at the salon.  I was suddenly losing money instead of making money when I covered the cost of supplies, gas, and my time.  I can't turn my back on these people that I offered a deal to... or should I?  With improper chairs to work with, lack of working space, no easy to find outlets for my equipment, and the constant strain on my back to wash hair over a sink because these clients wanted a the full salon experience without the full salon price....  I was hurting myself while trying to help another.

Well, with the sudden loss of clients, I comprised a list of clients I seemed to have suddenly lost and asked for help in contacting these people to see where I am going wrong with them; to find out why they have not returned in a reasonable amount of time, if at all... ever.  Of course, my current boss is paranoid and won't allow me access to the client's phone numbers to find out why, but was promised information ASAP.  Well, it has been 3 months and I am getting the run-a-round with my boss and no new clients knocking on my door.  I was told that I would have to do a fair number of "give-a-ways" with these people and I willingly obliged.  Of course, with giving just about everything away.....  I am not earning a paycheck!  I get paid a commission for services paid... not services given away for free.  Sure, I will get exposure, but there is no guarantee that they will return to pay full price or even return at all, since people believe that hairdressers are a "dime a dozen".  Little do they know that every time you cancel an appointment without booking another one... you are slapping that professional in the face.  We rely upon referrals and repeat business!  We give the best we can, but it is up to the client to speak up, too.  If you are in it for "the deal"... do not lead on with lies that you are going to return in 4-6 weeks and never return... okay?

With the runaround from my boss for information, I have been treated like I am just a fixture of entertainment for the staff.  THAT, or they forgot I am a HAIRDRESSER and NOT A NAIL TECH!  The reason is simple.....  my passion is in hair AND I am allergic to roughly 90% of all nail products (gels, acrylics, and chip-resistant polish are the things I react to the most and end up with me going to the doctor or the emergency room).  Sure, I was quite talented in nail services, but it is not my passion!  In fact, I loathe dealing with nails because no matter how many times I say "NO"... management keeps pushing me into the perpetual "just this one time" requests.  Well, I am tired of the lies and being shoved under the rug!  Heck, I am tired of being constantly stabbed in the back!

Should I leave where I am working?  Probably, but there is no guarantee that things will be better in the next place.  Heck, I have lost clients because of sudden closings of salons that I worked for that every time I move.... I lose another 30% of my client base.  I have almost nothing left!  AND I am still struggling to build what I lost.  Either I am doing such a good job that I am kept a secret from getting any referrals or I am being stabbed in the back with management taking my clients and giving them to someone else.

I have heard complaints about the receptionist and their inability to do their job right.  Both hairdressers and clients have complained to me.  I have done my best to smooth things out, I ask for the client to book their next appointment before leaving and I usually personally handle making the appointment so there are no mistakes.  I just cannot hover over the receptionist's shoulder when she calls to confirm a client's next appointment.  It is not my job, but I am tempted to start collecting numbers of clients and calling them personally, knowing that is against salon rules and could possibly get me fired.  Is it possible that management has it out for me?  I am starting to believe so.

I was just told that I need to join networking groups and sell my talents at these monthly meetings.  Sure, I would absolutely LOVE to join these groups in an attempt to build  a client relationship, but I am not making enough to afford the membership fees and I have my doubts that of I increased my hours to every bleeping hour that they are open to sit and wait for opportunities, that opportunities are not going to come knocking on my door.  I have tried the internet.  I have signed up to a couple of sites as well as opened a page on my social network page just to advertise for myself.  Still, to no avail am I seeing a slight interest or even a slight increase.  Sure I have inquiries, but not one person has committed to seeing me face to face.  It actually hurts that I answer their questions correctly and they still blow me off in the end.  Maybe I am giving too much information to guarantee their satisfaction beyond my chair when it comes to use of hair product and use of blow dryers, curling/flat irons and such.  Maybe my efforts are making me no longer necessary to utilize.

I know for sure that I do not have a malicious bone in my body and I would never consider sabotaging a fellow co-worker, but it is quite possible that my co-workers are lacking the ability to be as kind in return.  I am seeing back-stabbing happen quite often.  I also see people feeling quite defeated with their efforts, too, but yet again my boss was interviewing yet another hairdresser to work where I work and apparently promises were made that there is growth potential to boot.  LIES AND MORE LIES I tell ya!  It is not like I am demanding to have a full appointment book all the time, but I would like an opportunity tossed my way with some support instead of hiring another struggling hairdresser and give them all the opportunities and forget the ones that have been sticking through think and thin for this business for YEARS and have had their backs.

I just do not know what to do.  Do I sell my soul, give everything away and kiss my paychecks goodbye in order to get a person in my chair?  Do I dig deep and pull out that backstabbing gene that I have suppressed because I want to be the nice, reliable person, and stomp on anyone in my path?  Do I beg, plead and offer to slash my wrists for people to book their next appointment regardless if they are from another state for a wedding?  Do I just charge full price all the time and never take into consideration of another's financial situation or do I remain compassionate towards other's feelings?  Or maybe I should just turn my back on my passion and take some meaningless job.  Just turn my back on those that I have helped so far and not care anymore?  Do I change salons and return to those cut-rate chop shops that charge under $10 a haircut and be forced to stop believing in quality and instead focus on quantity?  I am not sure anymore, but I have been crying over this ever since I came home from work... EARLY...  because I only had 2 clients for the whole 8 hour day I was scheduled to be there and no new prospects on the horizon.

Chances are I will get a call in the next week or so to go to someone's home and whore off my talents for pennies.  Basically being paid less than I spent for my education, my supplies and my tools that I invested in.  Yep, in summary.... I am feeling quite flustered, frustrated and hurt.  My self worth is in the garbage.  Happy 2014 to me, right??  If I do not manage to commit suicide this year....  I can chalk it up as one that built character..... and not the positive kind, either.

Last blog entry...

There comes a time when a person needs to step back from the course taken and look around.  While I know that there are some people that strictly read this blog to read about what is happening in my life and the obstacles that I face, there are some that choose to read what I share because they happen to appreciate seeing a perspective on things that may or may not jive with what they believe.  Heck, looking back at what has been the most popular postings over these past six years... yep, I started blogging in November of 2007...  there is a pattern of popularity and it usually came from titles that either shocked like the one blog post of "when I worked at a strip club", or the ones that managed to share some very deep thought that rarely ever hit a true positive note.  All of the things I have shared over the years are thoughts that happen to flow freely from my mind and my feelings about it.  Of course, I did share a short story somewhere in the mix, but mostly I shared the experiences and life lessons learned... my life lessons.

Sure, some of my thoughts were relate-able, others not so much, but there was always a reaction given to me.  Some were supportive, others more critical.  I have had people suggest to me that I should write a book or an article piece to share with the news media outlets.  Yes, I did think about doing just that from time to time.  I even considered writing a book, but stopped at the initial thought because with all the books out there and the various genres to consider....  I really had no clue what literary audience I would appeal to or even if I had the talent (or stamina) to write something beyond a few pages.  Heck, writing dialect between people/characters has me breaking out in a sweat because I really have no clue how to carry a story beyond the depth of the main character's views.  Even the notion of writing anything beyond what I happen to feel makes me question every tap of my fingers on the keyboard.

No, I decided that writing is only a hobby and a release of sorts, but I think I have finally hit a point where I just don't have anything worthy of sharing anymore.  That spark of creativity is fading fast.  My social abilities have diminished over the years and I just really do not have much to talk about.  Pretty much, this blog would become a lather, rinse and repeat with nothing new to share.

With all the drama that happens to find its way to my doorstep, I just really feel tired.  My confidence level is shot, my sense of humor is lacking, and my interest in anything beyond just hanging out at my home with yet another book or a handful of beads is taking over.  I have become the antisocial butterfly!  I could chalk this up as a severe case of the winter blues, but I should just accept that life has knocked me down one too many times and I am just too tired to get back up.  The fight in me is gone and there really is nothing anyone can do about that.

I think the last straw was here a month ago.  I know that I have disappointed a fair number of friends in my wake as well as family members.  The strain in family finances took it's toll and the recent cold shoulder/silent treatment I got from DH placed the final nail in my coffin of reaching out.  Believe me, there are plenty of nails in this metaphorical coffin of which I speak of.  The loss of clients at my part-time job, the inability to obtain new ones, the endless number of rejections to applications I put out for a job, the multitude of roadblocks that push me further and further in the box of unworthiness, the need for compassion being snubbed out due to stress making it's extended stay at my home, the constant reminder that even if things can be replaced... it comes at a cost, and the constant nagging sensation that I just do not fit in anywhere anymore.  Sure, there are people that see the problems that lay before me and seem to always have a solution, but never once has any of these people ever looked beyond the surface to fully understand the whole situation.  What they believe is fact and what they say is gospel and when it does not go the way they want it to go.... it is suddenly my fault that I just cannot follow directions.  Trust me when I say this.... I DO FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS!  I have given to the point that there is so little left of me that I have actually dreamed... yes dreamed.... of the day I no longer can be a burden to others ever again.

That finality of life is starting to sound rather comforting to me, but I would never take the fast track to get there.  Nope, I have finally embraced that I have been put here to be punished over and over again.  I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or strong enough.  I will always be lacking and I will be reminded of it often through harsh words or acts of pity from others.

With Christmas behind us and biting the bullet, so to speak, by giving DH his Christmas gift, I got exactly what I thought I was going to get out of it.....  The look of disgust, the huff of frustration and 2 more days of the silent treatment to later get an apology with a request to think a little more before doing anything.  I offered the out with mentioning that I could return the gift and get the credit put back on the credit card.  He, of course, agreed it was best to do just that, so I returned his gift to the store.  He did mention that he appreciated the gesture, but we just cannot afford to participate in exchanging gifts between ourselves.  The focus was to be on just DD and her young cousins.  Well, needless to say...  the silent treatment is diminishing and DH has started talking to me again.  It feels quite strained and I refuse to rock this boat more off kilter by saying much, but it appears that the storm is finally passing.  It took almost a week, but it is finally calming down at least in my house.  Now, beyond the four walls of our home is another story.  I got into an argument with my mother, disappointed my siblings and created concern long overdue.  I did not realize at how well I was hiding the negative stuff happening to me for so long.  Now, it appears that my family would be willing to hurt me just a little more by telling me what my next course of actions should be.  Heck, my friends have been saying the same thing, but I have never fully explained the reasons for trying to hold on.

Relationships, as well as life, takes effort.  Taking the easy way out is only allowing yourself to admit that you lied when making a promise.  Sure, promises can be broken, but when a person places so much behind the promise....  You would move Heaven and Earth to try to keep it.  Taking what you may believe is the easy way out is truly not all that easy when there are others to consider beyond yourself.  There are some very strong people that were able to survive after what is considered easy and was able to move forward rather easily from  it.  I have a far harder course to take because I am thinking of others more than I am thinking for myself.  Call me the sacrificial lamb, but I have given so much that there really is not much left to pull me forward and never look back.  I have another person to consider and I cannot, with good conscious, expose them to more strife because I did not plan ahead.  Heck, it is not like I never really planned ahead....  I just never thought that my life, as it is, being this much of a challenge to even desire an easy way out.  I knew that I would be facing challenges.  I knew that there would be bumps in the road along the way, but I never saw what I had coming to me until it did.  Hindsight may be 20/20, but I could never fathom something of this magnitude.  What is even more unsettling is how things beyond our control taking center stage and creating such devastation in its wake.  Heck, this uncontrollable force has affected not just me and my family, but to everyone.

Now, if I really wanted an easy solution...  I would have prayed harder to win the lottery.  When it was over 400 million, I put a few dollars in to take a chance.  In all honesty, I really did not want to win the whole thing.  I just wanted to win enough to get our heads above water to breathe and ease the stress of finances, to have a little put aside for the future and to cover DD's college costs.  Alas, my prayers did not get answered and I lost my $2.  I truly believe that the root of all of our problems stems from money.  The black cloud of stress that offers the threat of losing everything we have is what has made things so bad.  If we did not have that....  I think we really would be okay.  Sadly, the rejections to my applications for work tell me that relief is not coming on the horizon, thus considering taking the easy way out of anything needs to be placed on the back burner for a little longer.  Yep, a vicious circle that has no end in sight.

With all of this mentioned, it is painfully obvious to say that I need to walk away from my mental flossing.  It is time to put everyone out of their misery in reading about my thoughts.  I'll probably keep the blog page going, but I will no longer share my posts on social media if the mood strikes me.  Doubtful for any time soon that happening, but I at least wanted to share this one last blog entry.  Thanks for reading, thanks for contacting me with your thoughts, and I have only one wish before I sign off.....

May you look at life with open eyes, an open mind and an open heart.  While life is a journey taken truly alone, it is the experiences that teach us, and with the open trio (eyes, heart, and mind), there is far more to learn.  See life through all the colors available and realize that as there are may colors, there are even more variances to consider.  Understanding things is not supposed to be complacency to one view, but to see what others see and consider the many angles of which it can be seen.  Perceptions are just one angle to be considered, but question what you see can be uncertain.  Suggest when you see a solution, but be reasonable when what you believe to be the answer is not the right one for the situation.  Judgement and conclusions made are not always what you believe them to be if you take the time to venture into learning more first.  And to truly learn, you need to be open to take ownership of your actions... regardless of the outcome.  Take care, be true, and may your lives be blessed with good fortune.

The many emotions of the holiday season....

The season is upon us.  All walks of faith gather to continue traditions with their families.  Regardless of what you call this season... I hope you all have a memorable-filled time of it.  As for me and my Catholic faith....  It is Christmas; the celebration of the birth of our savior, Jesus Christ.  Sadly, the teachings of the Bible never once brushed upon the fictional character of Santa Claus, but he has become a tradition around the globe.  The giver of gifts to all the good girls and boys, the granter of wishes in the hearts of the innocent, and the icon that pushes all children to be on their best behavior.

Well, with the obvious statement that money is painfully tight everywhere...  I will get to the point of my blog.

As you all know, and if you did not know already, I am a generous person.  Probably to the nth degree, but I am generous nonetheless.  I am helpful, considerate and I always try to put my best effort in everything I do.  Well, according to DH.....  I am the complete opposite and that I spend money like we have money tree growing in the back yard.  Yes, yet again I am to blame that money is tight in our home.  I have been trying to get my foot in the door for a job at the local high school district for 3 years now.  Being a clerical substitute was supposed to put me on the fast-track to getting hired, but alas, it has not.  I have been trying to build my client base at my part-time job at the salon with hopes that I could increase my hours there if getting hired at the school continues to not happen, but alas, even that effort has not worked out as planned.  I worked my fingers to the bone, taking what was supposed to be a stress-relieving hobby into a small business, and all I have managed to achieve is more debt, a surplus of stuff that I cannot sell, and watch my eyesight diminish from dealing with such small beads.  Really, I must have been kidding myself that I could make a go of selling hand-crafted jewelry when stores like Charming Charlie's and Claire's can sell almost the same thing for less than I spent to make it.  I did, though, bite the bullet and started taking on nail clients again when I told my boss, as well as everyone else in that salon, that I no longer wanted to deal with nail services and wanted to focus on hair services.  Of course, with making myself constantly available to do a manicure or pedicure....  any potential hair clients will not look my way because they only see me as a nail tech and no longer a hairdresser.  Needless to say.... I have been feverishly trying to help supplement the family financial situation and only managed to make it worse.  I cannot land a stable-paying job at the school district, I cannot build a hair clientele, and my talents in my hobbies are easily being overshadowed by mass-produced items sold in chain stores.  I am a failure!!

With that being stated, you can see that I have managed to not only disappoint myself, I have disappointed DH beyond words.  He saw the credit card bill and blew a sprocket!  I made a bunch of stuff that I thought would sell.  Apparently, I had the design right, but not the color and had to make more stuff in various colors to spike some interest.  Sadly, I had to increase my pricing and lost their interest.  In a desperate attempt to sell at least something, I cut the price so low that basically even the materials cost was not being covered.  That was when people started buying stuff.  Little did I know that it was going to cost me as much as it did.

With Christmas coming fast and furious, I scraped up what I thought was enough to get something for DH for Christmas.  I always try to do something for him every year.  Some gifts are bigger, and some gifts are smaller, but I try to be as reasonable as possible and find something he would like.  I caught a little grief for getting him a much needed iced tea maker last year and did not think much of it when I got him this year's gift.  It is a really cool thing for the garage and I can only assume he would love it.  

Well......  I am not so sure anymore.  You see, I thought I saved up enough to get this, but was short.  I ended up paying for half of it on my credit card.  I did not think he would make a scene about a charge on my credit card, but just this past weekend, he seriously blew up at me and has not spoken to me since.  Whenever I happen to look his way and catch his eye, I get the most vicious look from him.  He is truly furious with me.  The threat of having to sell our house has been mentioned and the reason why is.... me.  That is what he told me and he has not changed his statement since.  Heck, he won't talk to me, so the statement stays.  The silent treatment, the cold shoulder, the icy look in his eyes at me is more than I can stand.  NOW, what am I going to do with this Christmas present for him?  Do I face the music and get even more viciousness towards me by giving it to him?  Do I offer to return it after giving it to him?  Do I not bother giving it to him and return it to the store?

I fear that this is a... "damned if I do/damned if I don't" scenario.  Heck, he has be believing that my existence is a bad idea.  I feel just awful and I do not know what to do!  The one time of the year that we rarely ever plan for smacking us with what he sees as obligation and I see as thoughtful tradition, putting me in the cross-hairs of even more misery being shoved my way.  Trust me, I have plenty crammed down my throat already.  There is no more room for more.  The only thing keeping me from killing myself is how it would affect my daughter.  I have already figured that being out of DH's life (without the messy cost of a divorce) would have him dancing in the streets if I was to just die.  Yep, that happy season of family tradition is now destroyed because I tried the wrong things to help and created more damage in its wake while I try to fix it.

I will pray again tonight to God that I would appreciate a little break from all this pain.  The stress has thrown my back out, I lost my voice almost 3 days ago, my husband is furious with me, I have a gift that will probably send him completely over the edge that I am unsure if I should give it to him, and I have family coming over in just a few hours for dinner that I have been working on all morning.  I am sick, tired and scared.  This is not how the holidays are supposed to be!

So while I ponder the odds that I will yet again disappoint DH, that my feelings will be hurt again, and I will get the blame for ruining Christmas....  I think it is safe to say that you all will have a good holiday because I have all the bad mojo happening to me.  In fact, enough to just about guarantee a good 1,000 mile radius of happiness for others.  If not.... just come on over and blame me.  It's all my fault anyway......

Selective hearing?

Good morning!  Well, as good as it has potential to be, right?

I yet again spent the evening on the couch.  I was awake before my family... AGAIN.  Heating pad finally cooling off from a round of heat-related therapy and the effects of a dose of pain reliever finally taking it's course.

DH wakes up at his regular time.  He grabs his clean clothes for the day and ventures off to the bathroom to take his shower.  He spots me on the couch, remote in hand and the early news playing on the television.  Only one word crosses his lips.... "Broken?"

"Yep, broken." is my reply.

He goes into the bathroom, takes his shower, gets dressed and walks out of the bathroom with his toothbrush in his mouth...  obviously itching to ask me again the same question he does every morning....  "Broken again?  Why broken again?"

I correct him about his statement/question....  "I am broken all the time.  Not just again.  I just do my best to deal with it.  My once go-to for relief has been taken away when we changed insurance carriers six months ago.  Since our new healthcare coverage does not cover chiropractic care, I am doing all that I can to manage the pain on my own.  We can no longer afford to see my chiropractor, and he is not in network with our new coverage plan.  Heck, with our new coverage plan....  there is no chiropractic coverage to even venture out to see one that might be in network.  We would be responsible for 100% of the bill until we exhaust our deductible AND out of pocket expenses, that is, if anything can be counted towards our deductible.  We just cannot afford it either way anymore.  Believe me... I have checked.  I cried when I got the information, but I am determined to deal with the pain the best that I can and to not burden you with my pain."

Obviously, DH had nothing to say because he has been getting the same answer for months.  This is the usual, regular occurrence in this house at 6:00 in the morning.  Now, it is not as consistent as this may appear.  There are times I actually get a break and can sleep in my bed throughout the night.  The only thing I get as a reward for sleeping through the night in my bed is the agonizing stiffness that has potential to bring me to my knees, that is, if I could bend.

What makes me wonder is.... why the selective hearing?  I have told him repeatedly this tale of woe and there is obviously no solution, no empathy/sympathy (of which, I would get tired of hearing eventually), and no offer of assistance around here.  I do so much around here and if I could just get a little willing assistance to ease the burden....  I would be over the moon!  So why does he need to ask the same question over and over again?!  That is where I assume it is a severe case of selective hearing.

I understand that DH is under a lot of pressure these days.  Heck, I have not seen him get a break, either.  I have willingly done more than others in order to make his life a little easier when he comes home after a long day at work.  I would have hoped that he could see my efforts and at least appreciated them for what they are.  It is not like I look for constant accolades for what I accomplish in a day, but maybe.... just maybe... there would be a little offer here and there to help without complaining about it.  Heck, if I cannot get something done that he wants done, I get attitude, eye rolling, and the audible sighs that make my skin crawl with guilt when he handles it on his own.  I am only one person, darn it, and I cannot do everything all. the. time!  Here is what I mean....

Just last week, we got a little snow.  A little less than an inch.  It was frigid cold and my back was having spasms all day.  My sciatic nerve was raw to the point that walking caused my hip to give way when I tried to walk.  Heck, both hips were screaming in pain and that pain shot in both directions, up and down my backside.  It hurt to stand, sit, lay down.... and move.  I did what I could inside the house with frequent breaks and had dinner on the table waiting for his return home from work.  Dishes from the previous day finally done because I just do not have the stamina to stand hunched over the sink.  I even managed to get basically all the dishes washed from the current day's meal done.  With the exception of what what holding dinner in... I thought I did pretty darn good.  The only thing I did not do was shovel the driveway and sidewalk.  I figured that less than an inch was not exactly that important to clear away immediately.  I WAS WRONG!

DH came barreling through the front door with a chip the size of Texas on it.  Snapping at me that he cannot get a moment to sit down and relax after work because there is shoveling that needs to be done and it appears that nobody cared enough to do this before he came home.  Basically, telling me that I am living the comfortable life eating bon-bons on the couch and spending his money.  That assessment is so far from the truth that it is laughable.  I AM NOT A TROPHY WIFE!!  I know it, but apparently DH thinks I live the trophy wife lifestyle while he is away at work and shoves it in my face that I just cannot understand his situation.  Trust me.... I DO, but I am treated as I am a moron.

I tell him to sit down and eat his dinner.  I grabbed my coat and struggled to put my boots on and he barrels out the door, muttering that he has this.  I already know that a big fight is brewing and I went outside to at least help clear the snow with him, knowing that I will physically pay for it in the end.  I got a clipped 'thank you for your help', once we got inside, but the silent treatment for the rest of the night.  I cried myself to sleep with a prayer on my lips for the pain in my back to stop.

Well, we got some more snow yesterday.  A little over an inch.  I knew I did not want a repeat performance from last week, so I made dinner, did the dishes, and tackled the snow removal on my own before DH was to come home.  I popped some extra pain reliever and moseyed to the couch with the heating pad for my back after he got home.  I fell asleep there and was up before DH got ready for work.  Yep, the pain reliever stopped working, so I was up with the remote again tuned into the morning news.  Yet again, I get the same question from him and still nothing for my efforts.  I can say that my only reward is that he did not have a chip on his shoulder the size of Texas when he came home last night, so I did good.

Well, that is all the sitting I can handle to write this blog to share.  I have things to do and only so much time to accomplish them.  I have carpets to clean, laundry to wash, and such.  Family is coming over next week and with this limited stamina I have going on.... I can only hope I can accomplish it all before they come over.

Thanks for reading and have a nice day.

I am SO not a big fan of crying!!!

Okay, okay, OKAY!!!!  I get it!!  Women are emotional wrecks!  We are apparently wired a certain way that makes crying something normal and usual, but I was not raised to be a weeping idiot!  I recall, as a child, something my father told me....  "Crying is a sign of weakness and people will take advantage of weaknesses.  If you feel like crying, you need to hide it from prying eyes and get past it fast because crying is not going to fix anything."

Trust me, I have tried to hold onto that tidbit of advise from my father and I was pretty good at keeping the crying under wraps, but lately...  I seem to be losing control.  I see a loving gesture on a commercial and I am wallowing in a waterfall of tears (sniffling included).  When a person tries to give me a compliment, my lips are quivering and my vision gets blurred with the burning sensation of tears forming in my eyes.  When someone genuinely asks 'what's wrong', I turn into a weeping puddle with a boggled mind because in all reality.....  I have no clue why I am crying!

Sure, people have events not go their way as well as the occasional sentimental memory coming into focus, but these things never impacted me like this in the past.  Heck, just thinking about them is really no reason to cry and what I tend to have going on in my life is not all that life-shattering that it would warrant any tears to fall from my eyes, but it does.

Just this morning, I was watching the news and listened to a report about a toy for girls that is to chip away at the stereotypes that girls are all about princesses, dolls, and domestic duties while boys can build things, create things and take risks.  While the report was mostly about breaking down those stereotypes and giving girls the opportunity to build things like boys do, but in a way that looks like it is not gender biased, I saw that as an interesting concept....  Introducing girls to something of a career path that is mainly a male role (engineering) and see that there are opportunities beyond the proverbial box laid before them.  What had me blubbering like an emotional fool was the mention of a letter that was written to the creator of "Golidie Blox" that thanked this woman for opening her eyes (at the ripe age of 8 years old, mind you) to the world of engineering and building with creativity.  That this new toy opened a new world for her and a career path that she feels strongly connected to.  Instead of being a homemaker, a teacher, a nurse, or a secretary....  this little girl wants to embark on the mainly male gender held profession of an engineer.  We all know that when it comes to gender-based professions....  Women are showing they are as capable, if not more, than men.  Of course, there are some things that are strictly gender controlled, but career paths are no longer black or white, or set in stone.  My question is.... "Why am I crying over something nice being said to another?"  Oh, and if you are not familiar with the toy I am speaking of....  here is a little ad/video of what I am talking about.....  I will say this....  I am impressed with the Rube Goldberg Machine deal going on here ;)

I tried to rationalize with these current bouts of crying that I am just under a lot of stress, but in all honesty.....  I am not more stressed than usual.  In fact, with all the hobbies keeping my mind blank from stress... I am really in a more calm state than usual.  DH and I are getting along.  DD, on the other hand, is getting on my nerves, but nothing I can't handle.  Sure, there is family drama outside my four walls, but not anything devastating to me.... just usual garbage.  I have noticed that I am a bit more on the short-end-of-the-wick when it comes to mood swings.  I am getting frustrated and angry a lot more than usual.  Hmmmm...  I wonder....  am I in the starting stages of menopause?

Well, I am a trifle bit moody, but I am not suffering the wild temperature changes of sweating and freezing.  I found a hair sprouting from my chin that seems to go away for long after plucking it.  I have gained some serious weight lately and losing it is as difficult as picking the winning numbers of the lottery.  I am not all that sure if the word, "irregular" is surfacing to the top of the list, but I have read that there are some women that go through this stage in life quite differently than others and that there is no real common set of events that tells me otherwise.  It is not an "all or nothing" kind-of thing.  Some women's change is gentle and not realized until after it ends, while others get every bleeping symptom, and there are those somewhere in between.  Sure, I can ask a friend that has gone through this to see if what I am feeling is normal, but they would be looking at me like I have lost my ever-loving mind if I did.  I could ask my doctor, but chances are they would misdiagnose me and claim that I am suffering depression and give me something I do not need.  I am not a fan of pills anyway, so getting me on some regular regime of pills is going to not work out all that well, either.  Heck, I seem to forget to take my vitamins every day!

One thing is for sure..... I am not a fan of crying.  Never was.... never will be.  I just want this emotional roller coaster with zero reasons to stop!  This constant going up and down is really grating on my nerves!!!

Oh well, all vented out for the day.  Thanks for reading and have a day!  Good, bad, or indifferent is all up to you.....

Quantity vs Quality

The holidays are here and you all know what that means!  Spending quality time with family.  Interesting concept.... quality.  When we think of the word quality, we tend to measure that to a value or sense of value.  True as that may be to everyone, it comes far less often than we tend to think.  This is where quantity comes to play.  The generalized meaning of quantity is based on a different value.  That is seen as a number; as in how often or how many times.

In this day and age, we tend to try to attempt more quantity rather than quality.  That is because we all have too much to do in too little of time.  So much that, in fact, the usual and customary traditions are no longer things we look forward to, but to things we feel are mandatory obligations.  Sure, we would love to spend real quality time with family, but it just does not seem to be in the cards for most.  I believe it is all in how a person places more importance on one thing and less on another.  It is human nature to come to terms that everything cannot be valued all at the same level and some things will have to fall to the wayside and be dealt with later.  Well, along with level of demand for attention, there is one other thing that is considered, and that is.....  time management.  Everyone suffers from this ailment, but not all will attest to it.  As in the old saying of realizing 'their eyes are bigger than their stomach', when it comes to food, there is also some truth to how much a person can reasonably accomplish in a day.  Nobody truly considers the potential obstacles that will make their appearances at unexpected times that can range from traffic flow to unforeseen incidences that were never considered.  We are not wired in a way to take in consideration of every possible (and impossible) scenario there is, or ever could be.  Of course, we also have our own level of expectations that are never quite met in the process.  We just need to appreciate what we can accomplish and not beat ourselves up for what we did not get to do.

What sadly happens these days is the feelings that others seem to possess.  Nobody wants to put someone out when it comes to getting things done.  Family traditions are being pushed to the wayside because the harried expressions from the ones we love is bringing on a feeling that these events are now more of an inconvenience or mandatory obligation than something we actually want to do or even look forward to.  It is pretty sad to say this, but slowing down to take in the sights or smell the roses is becoming more and more of a fairy tale than a possible reality.

I learned rather quickly that the views and fundamentals of family become severely skewed the older we get.  I spent a wonderful day with my mother and mother-in-law last week and saw actual happiness on the faces of people that I was almost believing were unhappy all the time.  Of course, it took for someone to make the effort to make it happen (aka: me), but once I got my point across that I wanted to spend time with them, they felt less like they were a burden.  Just this morning, I had to drive DD to school again and saw that my recently widowed neighbor needed her walkways and driveway cleared from yesterday's snow.  Once I got home, I put on my snow shoveling gear, grabbed my shovel and cleared her walkway and driveway.  Of course, I had to do it all stealth-like because she feels like she was putting people out because she is too old to do it herself.  Of course, my stealth-like attempts were caught and I had to reassure her that I wanted to do this for her and not because it was a chore to get done.  Heck, it is her house, she has kids that can drive the 40 minutes to come over and do this for her, but why?  I live a few houses down and I was available and willing.

Obviously, my stealth-like moves were caught, but fortunately at the very end of the job.  Would you believe that she actually expressed remorse  for seeing me clear the snow for her?  I took the time and effort to reassure her that I wanted to do this for her because I want her to be able to safely go outside with her dog for the morning walk.  She tried to offer me some coffee, but I declined.  I don't drink the stuff, but I did appreciate the smile she gave me and that was payment enough.  I may not fully understand her situation, but I can empathize and that is what made making the decision to help that much easier.  Hopefully, she does not feel like rewarding me with cookies or something of the sort.... I am failing at my diet as it is and don't need the extra calories to set me back even further than I already happen to be.

Now, with that in mind....  I could have easily driven myself with my trusty shovel to my mom's and my in-laws, but I have no doubt that they had their snow removal under control or already done.  Shoveling is apparently good exercise, but murder on my back.  I think I need to get one of those ergonomically engineered shovels for the winter season.  My back just might not make it the season and with no chiropractic care offered in our health plan....  I cannot afford to take the risk.  Otherwise, I am feeling pretty good right now.

Sorry about the segue to something off topic, but here is the conclusion I am trying to make.....

Life should have more quality than quantity to it.  Hold tightly to those traditions and values you have had growing up because it is quite easy to forget the foundation to life.  People before things and all that will be more rewarding in the long haul than leaving behind a lot of stuff and being alone.  Sure, life is busy, but only you can chart the course and carve out the time to take in the sights as well as stop from time to time to just smell the roses.  Open your eyes to what you have accomplished and appreciate how far you have come, but never forget those that helped you get to where you are today.  Care for others in a manner of which you would want to be cared about because regret is a toxin that poisons the soul and your well-being.  Be honest with yourself as well with others, but do it in a way that nurtures rather than hurts.  Empathize before criticizing and always keep your eyes open for learning.  Some of the most treasured things are not bought from a store, they are basically free to give....  Love, understanding, respect, and care.  As long as you are willing to give it, people will offer it in return.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!  I am now off to wrapping DH's Christmas present that he does not know I got for him and off to find one of those ergonomically engineered shovels.  Hopefully I can find one on sale ;)