Have you ever felt like you are the square peg in a world of round holes? I can tell you this..... I sure have. I am not really sure when this feeling came about, but it has been hanging around for far too long. I just seems like everything is just.... off.
I wake up in the morning, I do my usual routine. Work is work, and home life is home life. It pretty much sounds like everything is normal, but it is not. As I try to wrap my mind around these strange feelings, I get even more frustrated because I just cannot find the reason or even the starting point to how I got to this point. Heck, it is just like trying to pound a square peg in a round hole after all.
Really, I have handled all the issues at home and with DD. Things seem to be doing just fine. DH and I are getting along for the most part. There has been no significant improvement in the area of growth for our relationship, but fortunately (knocking on wood) we are not fighting. Who knows.... this just might be the calm before the storm and I am now on high alert for something stinky to hit the fan. Or it is a stage in life where things are going to remain this way.
Money is still painfully tight, the income I have managed to earn to help with the finances is gone before it arrives. The recent doctor's office debacle made sure that we are not going to get ahead any time soon. The bills for that have not yet arrived, but it is a guarantee that it is not going to be pretty when it does. I felt really bad that I could not participate in helping the children of a friend of mine raise money for the recent St. Baldrick's drive. The shame that I could not afford a few dollars for the cause has hit me hard. Heck, the shame that I bought myself something at the latest hair show is even stronger than before. That couple hundred dollars could have gone to others than to my supplies for work during the slow months at the salon. I should have reminded myself that I need to be last when it comes to necessities. I have done pretty good over the years. Even today, I am wearing a sweatshirt that is due for the rag bin, but I just don't have the heart to throw it away. More likely, I would never replace it if I did. I stopped trying to influence DH to step up more on the home front as well as stopped keeping on DD's backside about keeping her room clean. Basically, I have become a shell of a person going through the motions these days. I have not seen my friends in about a month, I think. I really do not know, but I have seen a fair number of events happening and being shared on Facebook. I will admit... I am a little jealous of all the fun they are having. I do get invites for events from time to time, but I sadly end up declining because I just do not have the money to go. I really hate owing people if they offer to buy me a beer because I am lacking money.
The job front is very slow. The salon seems to be getting less and less appointments booked and there is one day I am required to do services for free for a fashion show. While I love what I do, it really hurts when it comes down to the bottom line when you are not getting paid for the work. I have been the go-to girl for makeup services for years. I have supplied everything out of my pocket and the cost to keep my supplies up to date is taking a major hit when I still only earn a portion of the service and the rest goes to my place of employment. With this recent fashion show coming up and not being able to earn something back for my supplies.... I am really feeling unappreciated for my sacrifices. These people don't even tip for services rendered and really.... it is hard to build a repeat business when that service is strictly seen as something people do for special occasions. I try to cross-sell my abilities in hair, but with people trying to figure the value for something that they see more as a luxury than a necessity.... I am not seeing a really big return in consistent business. I have done this fashion show last year and not one of those people returned to become a consistent client, but are really looking forward to return to get more free services again this year. With money being tight everywhere, my regular clients are coming in less frequently. What was a standard of 4-6 weeks, has now been spaced out even further. Somewhere in the area of 2-3 months. I love my job as a hairdresser and makeup artist... feast or famine opportunities and all... but the famine part is really starting to wear me down. I am thankful, though, that I have been called in to help out being a student supervisor (aka hall monitor) from time to time. It is not exactly consistent either, but what I make from that has been going directly towards the family finances. I do not get a penny of that money. Once summer hits, I won't be called in to work and that extra money will not be coming in.
With the economic downfall and the decrease in available jobs, DD's college fund is not exactly growing, either. I keep reminding her that good grades and good test scores are helpful in possibly being accepted for scholarships, but the student loans will be devastating and she really needs to focus on good grades. I now fully understand how my parents struggled and sacrificed for their kids. I even feel bad about the resentment that I could not "keep up with the Jones'" back when I was a kid. I had to earn my own money to pay for things I really wanted and watched my parents feel bad that they could not give it to me. They were never ones to spoil us as kids, but they sure wanted to offer more to us than they ever had growing up. I had no doubt they felt bad saying no to the begging we pummeled them with because I sure feel bad when I have to say it to DD.
I seriously feel I need to step away from everything and try to find my center, but I fear that once I do step away from everything..... I will not return. I have done that before. After high school, I stepped away from everything and everyone I was friends with. While I made new friends along the way, I lost some opportunities to keep my old friendships strong. While I have tried to reconnect, I still feel that I am an outsider looking in. I am not the center of attention and I do not want to be, but there are times I wish I could get half the attention my friends get. I know that it is because of my actions that I am more detached to people, but I am not a pushy person to force people to want to be around me. I just have to accept and adapt.
Well, this flossing did nothing for my unsettled thoughts. I guess I should just go back to my book and maybe play a game or two on the computer to fill my time and distract me from digging deeper in my thoughts. I do appreciate that you took the time to read today's entry. Not sure when I will do another one. Have a good day!
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