Don't bother telling me because I won't believe you...

Every woman seeks praise and compliments.  I should know because I look for it, too.  What people seem to have no understanding of is no matter how you may compliment a person.... it rarely ever is accepted or believed.  Of course, you will get a cordial smile and a "thank you", but in all honesty....  your words lack believing.  The reason????

Compliments mean absolutely nothing if it is not from the person they seek to get the praise and attention from.

Good, bad, or indifferent comments made from a person you seek attention from is usually the most influential.  While it is nice to get a little reassurance from others you know (and quite possibly from complete strangers), it is those compliments that seem to lack belief.  You are probably wondering how bad or indifferent somehow gets included in the compliments department.  Lets put it this way in a phrase about attention I think you are all aware of...  Attention is attention regardless if it is good or bad.  It is like a child misbehaving to get your attention because they feel that good behavior is not up to snuff when it comes to getting your attention.  Same goes for women trying to get the attention of men.  It is what we do to get your attention.  We can change our appearance, we can change our style of clothes, and we can change our attitude.  While most changes happen to be subtle, we women secretly hope that our men are tuned in enough to take notice and say something about it.  Sadly, not all men are evolved enough to be that in tune with the woman's psyche.  They do have the ability, but rarely ever put it to use unless there is an ulterior motive.  Men are primal creatures that take what they want and walk away when they are done satisfying their needs.  While walking away may not be the correct set of words to use, it does seem to have a ring of truth to it.  They can either physically walk away or they can emotionally detach themselves.  Either way, it sets women on edge and frantic for trying even more to gain the attention of their man.  Picture this...  relationships are like a keg party for two.  It is fun while the beer is freely flowing.  Once the keg runs dry, there is a need to do whatever it takes to keep that keg going.  Men will replace the keg once their finished, while women are trying to refill the keg with anything that they can get their hands on to keep this party of two going.  It is those rare few people that savor each glass and make that keg last a long time instead of letting it empty too fast.  I just wonder....  what happens when the keg is dry and nobody does anything to refill it?  Do they secretly find another keg to drink from or do they just just remain unsatisfied and hope that this is good enough (who needs an endless supply of liquid fun anyway?) and blissfully return to a sober state?  I guess it all boils down to what you are looking for and hope that the other person in your life is seeking the same thing.  It is just so sad that there are relationships that start on the same page, but end up being on different pages from different books.

So, the next time a compliment comes along... please do not take it to heart if I do not believe in you.  I will smile and say thank you because I do appreciate it, but sadly, it is not from whom I am needing it to come from.  I have tried to lead that horse to water and still cannot make him drink.  Well, good news for him....  I am not going to try anymore, but when he does decide to take another drink....  I will appreciate it at face value and no longer dwell on it.  Total waste of energy on my part to get what I need anymore.  It is what it is......

Thanks for reading and have a great day!

Do I speak in a foreign tongue???

Why is it that when women speak to their men, they look at them like they are speaking in some dead language that nobody really understands?  Could somebody PLEASE explain that to me?

As I ponder my request for answers, please take note that I rarely ask for anything from DH, I gave up nagging years ago, and I do not waste his time with endless banter (I get to the point and move on).  Remember, I am more a tomboy than a girl, so I can fully understand the concept of selective hearing and all that entails.  I am in no way a person that lacks IQ, nor do I state that I am a genius.  Just an average chick that takes the bullets that could be flying in my home.  I have a pair of picky-eating, tightly-wound individuals in this house to contend with.  With DH and his stress level that he prefers to keep to himself and DD's teen angst nearing disastrous proportions, I have been required to take the role of peacemaker.  Previous attempts of being quirky, sarcastic, or emotional for some pent up release has resulted in zingers coming at me from angles that I thought never existed.  I guess I am far too accommodating to those around me to pursue standing up for myself.  Angered deep within the core of my being, I have managed to learn coping mechanisms that could be worthy of the Nobel Peace Prize (only if I could figure how to share how I do it, that is).  I just fear that my years, and I mean years of practice is just a waste of energy and yet another failure under my belt.

Well, let me tell you this short story and you tell me where I am missing something or if I am speaking in either a dead language or I need to dumb-down what I say even more ;)

Picture this....  Father's Day and it is feeling like just another ordinary Sunday in the house.  Upon waking, I dive into the usual routine (make breakfast, wash the dishes, get the grocery list started, and round up the troops for yet another fun filled day of banter between DH and DD while trying to save my ear drums from exploding from DD's screeching...  Oh joy!  Prior to our leaving for the grocery store, DD approaches me with her recent dilemma....  her mp3 is in serious need of replacement.  Her constant use of that little device finally gave out (only took roughly 8 pairs of ear buds/headphones with it in its wake).  Yep, my daughter would make a great product longevity specialist.  Nothing stands a chance to last remotely as long as it was intended to be useful.  Well, DD decides to play the "ask mom first to avoid dad for anything" game.  Apparently, I lack the resolve to constantly say no to her demands like DH is capable of, or she thinks I have some leverage over DH to buy what she wants.  In all honesty... she probably figures I can take the bitter-talk over spending money bullet from DH better than she can.  I am obviously aware of this game and instead of being the bullet-taker all the time, I now request that DD talks to her father regarding anything that costs money.  He holds the checkbook, ya know.  Send her to the source and avoid the middleman.  In all honesty.... DD has her daddy wrapped around her little finger anyway.  This should be easy, right?  Apparently, she likes getting me involved where I would rather scoop my eyes out with a blunt instrument or get a root canal without Novocaine than get my foot in that doorway to the seventh ring of Hell when it comes to spending money we just do not have at the moment.  Needless to say, mom the short-wicked woman got roped into being involved in this debacle and mentioned to DH that DD needs a new mp3 player.  His response was, "Sure, she can get one if she (or you) saves up the money to get one.".  Apparently, when we have money, things are just peachy and it is our money, but when money is tight.... it is strictly his money and it is my fault that we do not have a surplus of funds.  When things get divided in a discussion, I know better than pursue any further because the request is denied.  The horse is dead, so stop kicking it.

Fast forward roughly 6 hours in the same say:  DH asks me, "Is there something wrong with DD's mp3 player?" (Really!!  Didn't we have this discussion 6 hours ago and was shot down like a duck during hunting season?)  My reply was, "Yes, it is.  Her consistent use resulted in the darn thing frying-out.  They are not meant to last forever, ya know.  I did all that I could to get it working, but the buttons on the thing are now useless and it locks up or shuts off on her.  I have synced the thing on the computer, I have fully charged it, and I cannot even try to reset it if the buttons really do not work anymore.  She apparently needs a new mp3 player."  Then DH decides to baffle me with his next question.... "Did you plug it into the computer and do that stuff you need to do to get it going again like you do for my computer?" (I giggle-snort and a sigh being freely offered because I told him I did that already)  "Yes, I did", I stated in the nicest tone I can muster instead of the frustration that I had because he did not hear me earlier apparently.  "So do I have authorization to get DD a new mp3 player or shall I take the brunt of her endless nagging for a new one?".... (No answer).

Now, I am not saying that DH is slow in any sense of the word (he fixes stuff that I could never figure out on my most intelligent of days), but it makes me wonder why the large gaps in our conversations.  Is he secretly hiding in a different room with some Thesaurus to decipher what I said?  The to the point comment was I did all that I could do and that she needs a replacement mp3 player.  All he needs to say is to go get her one and the problem is solved.  How complicated does this need to be?  Needless to say, I am still waiting for an authorization to get DD a new mp3 player and get her back to her "happy place", because frankly, I have to deal with her antics far more than DH does and I am not sure if I can shoulder this burden alone and survive. Well, I think I need to just go back to my reading marathon and do my best to shut out the insanity that will surely build until we either get her one or wait for something else (that is obviously taking the place of her broken mp3 player for musical entertainment) breaks and then we will have another thing that needs replacement.  Chances are, it will cost far more than the $40 mp3 player we can get (yes, I looked it up and found one in stock at the local store...  Like a Girl Scout/ Boy Scout...  Always prepared).

Oh well....  Thanks for reading and have a great day!

Stretching the mind.....

Good morning!  Recent events had me think when I had no desire to and realized that the older we get....  the less creativity we tend to have.  While I strive to be creative because, in all honesty, life would pretty mundane and if I get hooked into always doing "the usual" crap, the same way all the time....  I will probably go out of my mind and take a few select people with me for the ride (muahahaha:  my evil laugh).

All kidding aside....  After trying to figure an immediate solution to something that I do my best to avoid, I think bashing my head against a wall would be more fun.  I received a call from my older sister regarding an e-mail I supposedly sent her and her husband.  While I rarely use my e-mail for anything beyond a simple correspondence or a forward of something quite funny....  I never send my sister and her husband anything via e-mail.  Mainly, because I an really not a fan of the backlash of the holier-than-thou know-it-all criticism that my brother-in-law is famous for when it comes to forgetting to remember that they do not appreciate garbage being sent to them.  Heaven forbid if I forward something that has not been verified through snopes.com for its accuracy.  My best solution is to not send anything at all.... funny or informative.  So the question regarding this odd e-mail I supposedly sent was an easy one to answer....  I did not.  After apologizing profusely for the inconvenience, I suddenly realized that my mom went through the same thing a few months ago.

Oh crap!  I have been hacked!!

Springing into action, I started to feverishly figure the proper course of action before this gets out of hand.  Well, first things first.  I changed all my passwords to everything and I mean everything.  I spent a good part of the morning stretching my mind to figure new passwords and really intricate ones, too.  After finally getting everything put in place, I ended up spending the latter part of the day visiting all the places I frequent and checked if I could possibly remember every case-sensitive password combination that I created.  Then, I did a full scan of my computer for viruses, cleared cookies/browsing history and went ahead to contact my good friend that is way more computer literate than me for two reasons....  1).  To make sure what I am doing is going to be effective and 2).  To forewarn him that this computer idiot will be needing his expertise in the very near future.  I personally hate bothering people and ask for favors, but with DH and his complete disinterest in anything that will cost money to fix....  I really have no choice.  I now know that the next month or so, I will be on alert for any telltale signs that my attempts have been done in vain.

I thought I took pride in my evasive tactics for being a target for hacking, ID theft, and computer viruses, but apparently I got lazy and I am going to be paying for it.  I delete crap in my e-mail account before reading it unless I really know the person and was informed that they sent me an e-mail or if it was a response to something I sent them in the first place, I do regular virus scans (in fact I have it set to automatically do it for me), and anything that can pose a paper-trail to identity theft (you know, the pre-approved credit card garbage mail and the like), do not get just shredded.... they are set on fire!  Stick that in your cap and smoke it, criminals!  You can't piece together ashes!  But alas, some smart-ass with a lot of time on their hands managed to create a way to put a monkey wrench in my remotely smooth running clockwork.  Sheesh!  They need a new hobby and it should be a legal one!  Well, maybe they like to strive to get a job making license plates and get a new boyfriend of a roommate in the big house.  I just sure hope that someone smarter than them can catch them to help them achieve their dream home with concrete and steel bars.  Simple folk, like myself, like things to be simple.

Well, on a different note....  Father's Day was treated just like my Mother's Day was treated.  Since DH had no desire to make what was my day special... I reciprocated a carbon copy for him.  Yep, the bitch is back and she has her teaching cap on.  Eye for an eye, baby!  I guess my new glasses are making me see things clearly in more ways than one.  I did find it comical that DD tried to swindle me into buying her something, yet again.  Mother's Day was the endless nagging to have me take her shopping for new shorts...  Father's Day resulted in nagging for a new mp3 player.  Darn kid has those headphones attached to her head 24/7 with her choice of music blaring, while blocking the rest of the world out.  HA!  She can wait for a new mp3 player since after looking at it.... it is on the fritz and is not working all that well.  I think she needs to actually hear the birds outside and what life is beyond the headphones for a while.  Then, I might get her a new mp3 player.  I just hope I do not cave and buy her one any time soon.  She is in desperate need of a reality check and maybe she will appreciate her stuff a little more next time.  A girl can dream, right?

As for DH..... well, his penny pinching talents are going strong.  I think is is a fine time to let DD nag him instead of me for the new mp3 player.  Hopefully, he will open the wallet and get her one before she destroys all of her other electronic entertainment outlets to fill the void.  Being under his repressive thumb is going to result in a major blow-out in this house if he keeps this up like he has.  If you feel the Earth shake, smoke fill the skies, wildlife becoming suicidal and you hear a constant high-pitched whine that is making your head hurt....  chances are, it is coming from my house.  God have mercy on me when it happens!  Well, off to do what I normally do for the day....  Being creative with the same crap to keep my mental level of normalcy (whatever being normal really is) and face the day with a smile and a skip in my step.  Have a good one everybody!

Well, that was not as easy as I thought....

Just the other night, my big brother gives me a call and has me offer my insight of the only trilogy I felt compelled to read more than once to a complete stranger.  I figured it would be easy, but I was given the challenge to not give away the ending or really any of the story line.  Apparently, there are a few people out there that has not gone ahead and purchased the most talked about book series since Harry Potter.  While I can give a fairly good synopsis of what the books are about, I was asked something I was not ready for......

"What makes the Fifty Shades of Grey books a must read to the masses?"

Well, as I tried to wrap my head around what other people are thinking, I only had to offer my thoughts and decided to go from there....

You see, the premise of the books is basically a romance gone awry.  While in my previous experiences with the genre of romance novels, I recall the stories being quite dry and predictable.  Out of morbid curiosity, I got roped into the hype and actually enjoyed the story.  I think I could do with less of the soft-core porn (it was quite uncomfortable for me to read).  Also, I have not met a woman alive that is capable of coming apart at the seams after their first sexual experience (no matter how good looking or talented he may be).  Knowing that this has to be the most far fetched concept alive, I was able to get over the discomfort of how incredible Christian Grey was and what he obviously enjoyed.  In reality.....  I have either gotten shortchanged my whole life, or men have no clue what they are doing (ha ha ha ha).  Nonetheless.....  What managed to get my attention was how initial lust can remain once the three little words of I love you can be spoken.  Also, the premise about a man so set in his ways is willing to change his views and accommodate the needs of another and be perfectly happy with it.  I have never seen a relationship like the one the two main characters had.  While there was plenty of drama, jealousy, flirting, and secrets once the second and third book come along.  I just ended up enjoying the actual story that was hidden behind the shock and awe that was on the surface.

Now, as I explained to this girl my thoughts, I had to reinforce the reason for the addiction to the story.  In real life, there is only limited moments of lust happening in our lives.  It happens in the beginning stages of relationships.  That initial draw that pulls two people to connect....  The excitement that happens; the butterflies, the giddiness, and those heart-melting gestures that bring along the feeling of love and being loved.  It is those memories that all women have of the really cute, funny and heartwarming things men do to win the affections of the woman that they have in their cross-hairs.  Once the chase is over and the intended goal has been achieved.... men eventually return back to their old habits that could scare a woman into running for the hills and never looking back, but sometimes don't.  Those beer-guzzling, frat boys that demand the control of the remote that call their woman over to grab them another beer while digging their hand down the waist of their pants (picture Al Bundy from Married with Children).  I just wonder if it is at all possible to have that perfect combination of love, lust and romance.  I always believed that when two are in love.... that is the ultimate feeling to have.  I can tell you this....  It is not.  There needs to be lust, jealousy, insecurity, generosity, and romance.  When there is a shortage.... women will become attached to books like Fifty Shades of Grey.  That need of reassurance that there is a man of their dreams out there that offers constant compliments, to be the jealous protector, the generous one that offers because he wants to and not because he is asked to, and there is a need for his confidence level to be just low enough to cherish what he has.  If we do not get it in real life, we will become attached to the notion in romance novels.  Men are not mercurial and they are creatures of habit.  Well, maybe a little mercurial, but it is well contained.

I did happen to mention that the most gripping part of the books happens at the very end.  All three books were written in the perception of the female character, but after the ending happens.... there is a small section that offers the perception of the male character and how he starts to realize that what he thought was just infatuation on the surface was something completely different and alien to him.  Christian Grey never loved a woman before and his first experience came with an internal struggle of what he thought he was looking for and what he realizes is what he needed.  That tidbit alone (and it was only 2 little chapters) is what grabs the reader to read the books again.  I should know....  I read the books again and still was affected deeply.  After knowing his thought process, I needed to see if she had a clue.  She did not, at first, but figured it out after so many people pointed it out to her.  I can only guess that is where women are so intrigued to know men better through talk because... let's face it people....  Men are not talkers when it comes to feelings.  Especially romantically influenced ones.

While it is nice to believe that there is a Christian Grey out there for every woman....  I think I need to get back to the reality of getting less.

Looking for a cure....

Knowledge is key and somehow my curiosity got the best of me and went against my better judgement.  I am still reeling from a darn trilogy of romance mixed with stuff that usually was unsettling for me to read.  Yep, that darn fifty shades trilogy took hold and got under my skin BIG TIME.  I am not sure if it is love of the characters or the premise that this book portrayed what I feel is lacking in my real life, but I just can't get the emotion that was put in those books.  While I do agree that the writing style could have been better and that there are some repetitive phrases in these books, I let my imagination look past those little literary annoyances and saw the books as a story that brought on false hope.  I think that the clincher of these books was the thought process of the ever so dreamy Christian Grey.  Those few little tidbits that were offered as his perception/thought process of his childhood memory and the thoughts and feelings he was experiencing when he first met Miss Anastasia Steele.  I think that the premise of the three books were strictly her thoughts being shared lacked the addiction that people have been suffering.  It was the the insight of his mind that made these books a must read a second (and third) time.  Women want to know more about men and what they think.  We want to know about their feelings because men usually do not share their deepest and darkest secrets.  Just reading what a man thinks and how he decides his actions is what impacts us so immensely.

I knew that reading romance novels were a bad idea.  I did manage to read a romance novel years ago and was disappointed at the premise that it was a grown up version of a fairy tale.  It brought on that false sense of hope like the childhood fairy tales that had us believe that we will live happily ever after with our own personal Prince Charming.  Reality sets in and it is quite obvious that there is really no Prince Charming that rides us off into the sunset.  While men are aware that the fairy tale is what women want, they only offer that scenario to sweep us off our feet.  Once we are smitten, their chivalry starts to die off and the layers of the lies they gave us starts to shed.  The day that you say "I do" happens, the man that swept us off our feet become the opposite.  Their true selves surface and we are stuck with the workaholic, beer guzzling frat boy that we thought we managed to avoid.  While there are some hopeless romantic guys out there, it is never remotely close to the heroes that are portrayed in the romance books.  Yep, women are suckers for the fairy tale and I am obviously one of them.

For all those men out there wondering why women seem so complex... here is a tidbit of advice that will clear the fog and let you see what women are looking for.....

Read a romance novel or two.  Take notes.  What women need and what women want is pretty simple.  The only difference is the level of the hero we are looking for.  Here are the top descriptive requirements every woman needs (including me)....  

Women want a man that is mysterious, but willing to share his deepest secrets with only her.  Generous to a fault.  He needs to be protective, but not too protective (women are stronger than what men give us credit for).  He needs to be constantly smitten with the woman he is with, but not smothering.  He needs to be vulnerable and insecure, but not clingy.  He needs to be a gentleman, but he needs to be playful.  He needs to be attentive to her needs and is willing to do just about anything for her.  He needs to be tough, but sensitive.  Compliments should happen often, but not in a predictable way.  He should always make her feel desired at all times (aka boost her ego).  He needs to know the right things to say (believe me, you guys know how to say the right things at the right time if you think before you go into defense mode).  When a woman is sad or upset, the most touching thing that can be said is how you will hold us as long as we need to be held, to kiss the tears away, and to always be there for us.  I have heard comments like those from my guy friends and it is very comforting to know that I was thought of in such a caring way.  Well, the kissing my tears away comment was an obvious attempt to sweep me off my feet, but it was definitely appreciated even though nothing was going to happen if they did.  A woman also wants a little spontaneity when it comes to feelings.  They want to see him make the first move with the loving gestures because they want to and not because it is expected.  When it comes to looks and demeanor?  Attractive with a tough guy look, aloof towards others, but very sensitive when it comes to the woman in his life.  He also needs to be an attentive lover in bed and a playful flirt to only her.  While most of this is portrayed in the chasing phase men have when they are interested in a woman, somehow, you men seem to drop the act once you have her in your grasp.  No wonder why women get addicted to romance novels.... it is a way to relive a fantasy they once had because someone "dropped the ball" and it obviously was not her.... You catch my drift?

I really do not know why people end up changing as time marches forward.  Probably because when one changes, the other follows suit in an attempt to keep the balance in the relationship.  Remember, it is the woman that becomes attached and she is willing to change to keep the balance.  What is so sad is that when things change, it rarely ever changes in a good way.  While women try to express their feelings, it is the men that see it as being a nag or being demanding.  Relationships take compromise.  You have to give in order to receive.  It is not all about "you" anymore.  It should be about "us".  Yes, life is no bed of roses... bills need to be paid, work needs to be done, and there are challenges every step of the way, but if there is unconditional love there.... those challenges will never affect the romance that connected the two of you in the first place.  Love really does not need to die, it just needs to be in the spotlight more.

As in the Shades of Grey books, the portrayal of Christian Grey was the right mix of control freak, generous gentleman, talented yet considerate lover, playful flirt, vulnerable soul, and protector.  Yep, a fantasy of a man that obviously knew he was good looking, but remained focused on the woman he fell for.  It was that lethal mix of who he was made to be that has women like me reeling with false hopes that there is another just like him out there in this big world waiting for us or maybe the one we are with could suddenly become the epitome of the character.  Either way, it is a pipe dream and men refuse to read those books.  Now, how do we figure a solution to get the fantasy/fairy tale out of our heads and embrace what is reality?  I have no clue, but I am looking for a cure.  So far... it is struggling to read a narcissistic book about a spoiled woman (a memoir, so to speak).  It is not working as well as I hoped, but I have all summer to get through it and maybe, just maybe get my head out of the clouds.  

Taking a stand...

When a person asks me a question about myself, I have two options.  I can either be evasive or I can be honest.  I choose to be as honest as I can.  I have always believed that if a person is strong or mature enough to ask me a question, then they are strong enough or mature enough to get an honest answer.  This thought process stems from respect of others.  I recall the time when I would ask my mom those questions that every kid asks about babies and where they came from.  While I respect that my mom wanted to protect me from the brutal honesty from how babies are made, I was told wrong information.  I was one frightened kid until I learned more.  I giggle today at how her misinformation backfired on her and scared the daylights out of her.  You see, my mom told me that a girl can get pregnant by kissing a boy.  I got kissed one day and freaked out.  I called my mom to tell her that I was pregnant and from what I heard was that the people around her at work saw my mom's face go pale.  I was 12 or 13 years old at the time and sex education was not being taught in school just yet.  It definitely made her think twice when I had a question.  Kids do look towards their parents for answers, but sadly parents try to soften the harsh blow of honesty towards their kids by telling only half-truths.  In hindsight, getting pregnant can start with a kiss, but that kiss only opens the door to what really needs to happen to get pregnant.  There seems to always be more to the story.

Well, just recently, I was asked a question regarding my feelings about my marriage.  The question was to the point and really at the center of why I share my occasional marriage challenges through my blog.  Not everything is about DH.  It is about how I feel about things.  That question left me with two options....  be honest or be evasive.  Since this person asked me in the most respectful way and the most direct...  I decided to be honest.... really honest.

Here is my answer....

My marriage is far from blissful, but it is not completely miserable.  Yes, there are times when it poses the biggest challenge to me, but there are times when it is serene and calm.  What I feel I need in my marriage is more.  There is room for improvement and there is room for growth.  Marriage has never been seen as easy and if it was.... well then, that would be one rare thing to have.  It is fact that regardless of the person you choose to spend your life with, there will be differences of opinion.  No two people are exactly the same.  They may have a lot in common, they might even see a fair amount of things in the same light, but nothing is truly exact. While DH and I do have a fair amount in common, we do have different views of things.  It is where we stand in our convictions that makes things difficult.  While he can be more stubborn, I seem to always manage to bend.  All I am seeking is for him bend for once because he wants to and not because I am asking for him to.  To actually take my feelings into consideration and do something about it.  Where I see the biggest challenge between DH and I is the two-way road of communication.  He knows it is an issue.  He just seems disinterested in doing something about it.  I love the fact that he is not a mushy romantic type, but my only assumption is that he sees my request for better communication as being a mushy romantic which is completely opposite his character.  In all honesty, it is not.  I just need to know more about his feelings for me.  While I can see his point that being more open might show his weaknesses or vulnerabilities, it does not make him romantic.  I am not looking for a hero, I am looking for the best friend that he was to me.  That is what I mean by wanting more.  While this answer may sound evasive, it is the honest truth.  It is the stand that I am taking.

Now, how do I convey my concerns to DH?  I want the friend that I married back.  Obviously, I know that part of his friendship towards me was to sweep me off my feet.  I did like the little love notes, I did like the occasional flowers, I did like the random phone calls to just say "hi" and see how my day is going, and I did like the attention he gave me.  He is one stubborn man.  I knew that from the beginning, but he did occasionally bend for me.  It is just that ever since we got married, he slowly (or I failed to see) him change in a way where we are no longer equals.  Yes, he supports this family, but I do too.  I may not contribute as much financially, but I do contribute.  He sacrifices for this family as well as I do.  I just do not know how to get him to see when he refuses to look.  Getting his attention should not take drastic measures and I really do not want to take drastic measures to get there.  I see him even struggling to hold back his feelings because when he does try to share, it feels harsh and full of frustration.  I see where this issue is, but I don't think he wants to see it.  His stand on things is opposite of mine.  As I seem to think that his solution is to drink beer almost every night, and mine is through blogging, I just wonder if I take this revelation and present it to him will make things better or worse.  I would hope better, but fear it will be worse.  I am not him and I cannot figure how he would react.  Too darn scared to even think of taking a solid stand in front of him.  Is love making me fearful?  I think so.  Maybe that is what my mother faced when it came to telling her young daughter the truth about where babies came from....  Fear that the truth will scare the one you love with all your heart.

When it rains... it drizzles?

With a relieved look on my face, I am happy to announce that this is the first time that the comedy of misfortunes that usually happen while DH is on his annual "fishing" trip took a vacation, took a vacation, too.  These past 4 days (and going onto 5 days), has been going fairly smoothly.  What a nice thing to finally happen for once!  

DH is returning today from his little sabbatical and I am not a total train wreck.  Only little events happened while he was away and I seemed to handle them just fine.  Maybe a little tired since I was not lulled to sleep from his snoring each night, but I have to admit.... getting roughly 5-6 hours of sleep is a major improvement compared to the 2-3 I used to get.  I did not go into psycho cleaning mode, either.  I still have plenty to do and probably won't get it all done before he does get home.  I managed to just relax a little more and that is a good thing.  Not sure if I am ready to see his face just yet.  Wednesday's events still bothered me, but he did apologize, so my attempts to sweep that memory under the rug should have been successful, but they were not.  I fear that my inability to just let this go to the wayside will start a fight and I really do not want that to happen.  Fortunately, I have plans for this afternoon and just might not be home when he does finally return.

When it comes down to the curse of Murphy's Law while he is away.... well, I am pleased to announce that the events were very small and not Earth shattering.  My refrigerator has kept working at keeping the food in there cold.  I just have to use a flashlight to see in there.  Even the freezer is working and making ice, so if this darn thing is to die on me... at least he will be here to deal with it and I am not held responsible for the purchase of a new one.  My truck is still running, and the check engine light turned off.  Seems to be running okay, for now.  The necessary parts have been ordered through his garage and when he decides to actually fix it... it will be done.  So if my truck dies and needs to be towed in, I am not held responsible for having the thing towed in.  I did notice that the lens on one of my fog lights popped off.  I do have the lens, but I could not seem to pop it back on, so he can deal with that when he is up to it.  With the one day of rain we had, the power managed to stay on and we did not flood... so that annual crisis has been averted.  I have not bothered to use the oven in my house while he was gone, but I will mention that this Frankenstein minion of his is working poorly and to make plans for saving up for a new one.  The temperature is poorly regulated and has burned a few things in the past.  The heating elements are way too old to work properly.  Other than that....  everything was just dandy while he was gone. 

I did manage to get some cleaning done, but I have a mountain of clean laundry to contend with.  I have probably a full day worth of folding and putting away, but I am just not "feeling it" to actually get it done.  I see that as something I will get to eventually.  If he feels compelled to step up and take the initiative, he is more than welcome to do so.  Otherwise, just be happy that it is clean.

On a more personal note....  My hormonal imbalanced self finally started to "right itself" and I get to avoid seeing the gynecologist this week.  This turn of good fortune is a welcome thing because I am not spending any money that will result in DH getting silently bent.  Doctors are an exception when it comes to shelling out money we are trying to save.  Sadly, I think I will need to see the eye doctor soon.  I noticed that after doing a ton of reading over the past couple of weeks, my vision seemed to change and I am straining to see things clearly.  I think I will just take a break from the kindle and books and see if it gets better.  Chances are... it won't.  I am getting old and that is one of the many things that start to go away.  I have kept the need for glasses at bay for quite a while.  It just might be time to fess up and accept needing the darn things.  On the upside....  With my imbalanced self back on track, so to speak, and all of that reading that distracted me from eating....  I think I lost a few pounds.  I have had basically no appetite for a couple of weeks and noticed that when I do eat, I get nauseous afterwards.  What I knew was the amount of food I normally ate is now noticeably less.  I won't step foot on the scale just yet.  Too bloated to even think about it, but I will muster up the courage in a few more days.

Well, with the grocery shopping done for the week (it was done last night), DD is sleeping in, and I have some peace and quiet....  I think I will take this time to savor the moment and enjoy it before everything starts to pick up the pace.  Thanks for reading and enjoy this wonderful day.  I know I am going to.  It is T-minus 7 hours until DH is back home.  Here is to hoping that he managed to sweep Wednesday's events under the rug and has forgotten about it because that is what I have been trying to do.  The gash from the harsh words is scabbed over.... we just need to leave it alone and I think things will be just fine.