When a person asks me a question about myself, I have two options. I can either be evasive or I can be honest. I choose to be as honest as I can. I have always believed that if a person is strong or mature enough to ask me a question, then they are strong enough or mature enough to get an honest answer. This thought process stems from respect of others. I recall the time when I would ask my mom those questions that every kid asks about babies and where they came from. While I respect that my mom wanted to protect me from the brutal honesty from how babies are made, I was told wrong information. I was one frightened kid until I learned more. I giggle today at how her misinformation backfired on her and scared the daylights out of her. You see, my mom told me that a girl can get pregnant by kissing a boy. I got kissed one day and freaked out. I called my mom to tell her that I was pregnant and from what I heard was that the people around her at work saw my mom's face go pale. I was 12 or 13 years old at the time and sex education was not being taught in school just yet. It definitely made her think twice when I had a question. Kids do look towards their parents for answers, but sadly parents try to soften the harsh blow of honesty towards their kids by telling only half-truths. In hindsight, getting pregnant can start with a kiss, but that kiss only opens the door to what really needs to happen to get pregnant. There seems to always be more to the story.
Well, just recently, I was asked a question regarding my feelings about my marriage. The question was to the point and really at the center of why I share my occasional marriage challenges through my blog. Not everything is about DH. It is about how I feel about things. That question left me with two options.... be honest or be evasive. Since this person asked me in the most respectful way and the most direct... I decided to be honest.... really honest.
Here is my answer....
My marriage is far from blissful, but it is not completely miserable. Yes, there are times when it poses the biggest challenge to me, but there are times when it is serene and calm. What I feel I need in my marriage is more. There is room for improvement and there is room for growth. Marriage has never been seen as easy and if it was.... well then, that would be one rare thing to have. It is fact that regardless of the person you choose to spend your life with, there will be differences of opinion. No two people are exactly the same. They may have a lot in common, they might even see a fair amount of things in the same light, but nothing is truly exact. While DH and I do have a fair amount in common, we do have different views of things. It is where we stand in our convictions that makes things difficult. While he can be more stubborn, I seem to always manage to bend. All I am seeking is for him bend for once because he wants to and not because I am asking for him to. To actually take my feelings into consideration and do something about it. Where I see the biggest challenge between DH and I is the two-way road of communication. He knows it is an issue. He just seems disinterested in doing something about it. I love the fact that he is not a mushy romantic type, but my only assumption is that he sees my request for better communication as being a mushy romantic which is completely opposite his character. In all honesty, it is not. I just need to know more about his feelings for me. While I can see his point that being more open might show his weaknesses or vulnerabilities, it does not make him romantic. I am not looking for a hero, I am looking for the best friend that he was to me. That is what I mean by wanting more. While this answer may sound evasive, it is the honest truth. It is the stand that I am taking.
Now, how do I convey my concerns to DH? I want the friend that I married back. Obviously, I know that part of his friendship towards me was to sweep me off my feet. I did like the little love notes, I did like the occasional flowers, I did like the random phone calls to just say "hi" and see how my day is going, and I did like the attention he gave me. He is one stubborn man. I knew that from the beginning, but he did occasionally bend for me. It is just that ever since we got married, he slowly (or I failed to see) him change in a way where we are no longer equals. Yes, he supports this family, but I do too. I may not contribute as much financially, but I do contribute. He sacrifices for this family as well as I do. I just do not know how to get him to see when he refuses to look. Getting his attention should not take drastic measures and I really do not want to take drastic measures to get there. I see him even struggling to hold back his feelings because when he does try to share, it feels harsh and full of frustration. I see where this issue is, but I don't think he wants to see it. His stand on things is opposite of mine. As I seem to think that his solution is to drink beer almost every night, and mine is through blogging, I just wonder if I take this revelation and present it to him will make things better or worse. I would hope better, but fear it will be worse. I am not him and I cannot figure how he would react. Too darn scared to even think of taking a solid stand in front of him. Is love making me fearful? I think so. Maybe that is what my mother faced when it came to telling her young daughter the truth about where babies came from.... Fear that the truth will scare the one you love with all your heart.
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