UGH! Damned if I do and damned if I don't! I will NEVER try to think of myself first EVER AGAIN! Heck, my actions were not even thinking of myself first, but it sure looked like it... or as I was told.
Of course, it is ALL MY FAULT, anyway. I just can't do anything right. I can make one person happy and manage to piss everyone else off in the process or I try to make everyone else happy and still piss them off at the same time. I have given and given and given to the point that I really do not have much to offer anymore, but yet again someone wants a pound of flesh from me. What makes it even worse is I actually feel worse off for even trying in the first place.
I am the doting mother, wife, daughter, sister, employee and friend, but when it comes down to trying to get a little breathing room.... well, I guess I am not allowed to come up for air. Between the constant little jabs at telling me that the answer to every little request that flows from my lips will always be a resounding "NO", I think I truly suffer from enough verbal abuse that I should never open my mouth, but know that even if I do that... I AM STILL WRONG! I am not allowed to have feelings, I am not allowed to replace anything that happens to break, I am not allowed to treat myself to anything nice, and I sure as heck am not allowed to even get an inch of lenience. Even in social media (as well as my blogging), I have been told I share too much which is apparently wrong, but when I do not share.... I am pummeled with questions and labeled as being too secretive and aloof. There is never a happy middle ground with anyone and I am getting quite frustrated by it.
Nope, nope... I am just a tool; a means to an end. I am the first one to get blamed and the last one, if ever, to get credit for what I sacrifice or even do. I am so well conditioned in feeling guilty... I am now starting to really hate waking up every morning. I don't even get alone time to even sort out my thoughts or to even an opportunity to actually take a full breath of air.
I scrimp and I save every penny I can get my hands on and only spend on necessities for others that even the one thing I manage to get that is strictly for me makes me feel like I am a terrible and greedy person. Of course, I have been told those exact things from time to time. I really do not understand how I can appear greedy when I give to others before I attempt to give to myself. I give them more than I ever happen to take, but I can only guess that I am not allowed to have anything that is strictly for me and that is what makes me appear greedy or selfish. According to other people that feel compelled to tell me what they think (and they do take the liberty to tell me often), I appear to be a martyr and being a martyr is not a healthy way to live. Well guess what? I have no choice in the matter because the one time I tried to think of myself first in a very long time resulted in a guilt trip of all guilt trips. Apparently, it is okay think of myself, but only after thinking of everyone else first and that once I can manage to make them happy.... then, and only then, am I allowed to think of myself. Sadly, nobody in my life is ever happy enough to ease up on me.
I know that I have been told that I have enabled this behavior from everyone around me because I just happen to be a very giving person in the first place, but I really wonder why I am appearing to be the only one that has to do everything on my own. Oh, that's right.... there are expectations put in place and from those that have these expectations, it is apparently too beneath them to even help out once in a while.
It is apparent that there are people that refuse to even step forward and actually do anything of free will. Nobody is capable of stepping up and taking up the slack. Heck, nobody is willing to do something that is apparently necessary to their happiness or contentment in life because it would take effort for Pete's sake and really.... who wants to actually put in effort if there is some willing schmuck to do it for them? The only catch is to make them feel bad all the time when you actually do it yourself once in a blue moon and that seems easier than just stepping up to some folks. DH has mastered that perfectly! Make a tray of ice cubes a few times over the weekend and suddenly he is this only one doing anything around here. Every task is required for me to do from start to finish... Cook a meal and do the cleanup afterwards... clean the clothes and put it away... Pick up the garbage and put it at the curb... Avoid calling a family member because you are in a rotten mood that you would rather not share with another person and you are the selfish, uncaring piece of garbage that never thinks of others. Regardless that there are 2 other siblings that are capable of picking up the phone more than once a month (or year), but choose to live their lives and leave it to me to take care of it. Even if I wanted to avoid sharing my rotten mood, I am WRONG for thinking of their feelings because I did not call, but if I managed to share my rotten mood... I am WRONG because I have an attitude. Heck, I am never in the loop when it comes to my in-laws, either. I find out on the day that something important is happening (or after it happened) and I have no time to be there for them. Well, even if I did manage to put in the effort.... I get looked at as a nuisance and not worthy of sharing the same air. Thanks or apologies never happen, as well as acknowledgement that an effort has been made. I could be blatantly in the right, but not one person can give me credit where credit is due. Nope, I get attitude. I am invisible until they need something from me and when I am visible.... I feel invisible. I work my tail off to get ahead and would believe a little offering of thanks would be in order, but no... just shovel more grunt work and have me cover the checks that others have no way of paying. In other words... making promises you cannot fulfill and get someone else to do it for you, which usually ends up being me to do that and there is no reward for my efforts... just more expectations. Yep, I am the check-cashing, promise fulfilling, sacrifice making pile of crap that can be told to think of myself from time to time, but is never actually allowed to do such a thing.
I get dumped on more than bailed out and as history has proven itself.... it sure as heck is not going to get any better. Between an abysmally slow day at the salon, a house that gets trashed as fast (if not faster) than it gets clean, things of mine getting broken and zero offer to let me replace it (regardless that I use it quite often), as well as items of mine that I managed to earn over the years being "borrowed" and never returned... I can tell you this.... I am now that dog that gets smacked on the nose with the newspaper far too often and for no real reason.
I do not know if it is some divine sense of punishment or it is my destiny to be the slime that trails a snail (you know, the lowest form of existence), but I really would like to have this stop. This recent round of smacking me on the nose with the newspaper is starting to really keep me down and that is not good. The days of plastering a smile on my face in the face of misery is starting to become few and far between and I truly believe that when I do have a smile on my face.... I can keep the friends, family and those that I care about me around. Once I stop smiling.... nobody will want to acknowledge my existence or even want to be around me and I will be far more alone than ever imagined. Heck, with how my attitude is now.... I want to just curl up and hide because even I do not want to be around myself. How can others think I am worthy of being around if I am a perpetual sack of misery? No wonder I never see my friends. I can't even stand myself!
So when it comes to the title choice of: Nice people finishing last or June Cleaver loses it.... you can see that today is not a really good day and tomorrow is looking even less likely of getting better because I just do not think I can keep this up..... If there is a smidgen of kindness in your heart... could you take the time to look around and see if there is someone suffering like me and do something about it? It does not take much... a simple thank you would suffice from time to time. Heck, a hug would be great. I would appreciate that.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Home sweet home???
Oh, to live a day in the life of a person who resides in a flood-prone area! I am telling you.... it is certainly living the dream! Let me share with you what a rainy day consists for me in my place that I call home....
With knowledge of rain coming this way.... we spend a fair amount of time watching the Doppler Radar on either the Weather Channel or on Weather.com and pay close attention to the pretty colors that range in shades of green, yellow, orange and red. With a keen eye and a fair amount of guesstimating where our town sits on the map... we (meaning DH and myself) contemplate the need to venture outside in the rain and manually close the sewer line to our house. Neither of us really want to be out there since the shut off valve is hidden in the front bushes, but... one of us will be determined enough to just do it. Of course, we announce the final bathroom run for the day, night or whenever we are to embark on shutting our house off from using any running water.....
Then, we spend our day, evening or whatever keeping a keen eye on the lone drain in our laundry room to see if the water in that drain pipe rises and pray that it stays below ground level. Of course, while the rain continues outside, there is really no guarantee that the water will not rise....
This is that drain. We removed the pretty cover so we can shine a flashlight down it to see if the water is rising. Obviously, this picture does not offer any justice since the water level is roughly a fraction of an inch from overflowing (and we closed the sewer valve over 12 hours earlier so we can try to sleep a little at night while it continues to rain outside). When it does happen to overflow.... we have at least a chance to grab the nearby shop vac and start pumping the crap before it can flow on over to our finished basement. Sadly, we have become professionals at sewer cleanup when we failed to follow the first two usual steps of watching the radar and closing the valve before the water rises. With that in mind.... we watch the sump pump pushing water out of our crawl space. With 2 pumps at the ready.... we pay attention to how many are running. We have one that is hard-wired with electricity and a secondary that has a battery backup set to run if the main one cannot keep up...
That is where the "fun" begins.... There is nothing else we can do except watch the rain water accumulate on the streets and the nearby creek that is roughly a block away. With the new larger storm drains in place from a few years back (several to be exact), we all keep an eye out for our neighbors and try to help them keep the water at bay for their homes. The street gets blocked off with barriers once the waters rise, one neighbor resorts to pumping the accumulating water to the overflowing creeks to try to avoid water entering his home while another sadly forgot to pay attention to the weather and is pumping out the flooding in their basement. The local reservoir is filling fast and all anyone can do is wait it out once all their current preventative measures are done....
Signs in place...
Pumps running...
The overflowing creek....
With knowledge of rain coming this way.... we spend a fair amount of time watching the Doppler Radar on either the Weather Channel or on Weather.com and pay close attention to the pretty colors that range in shades of green, yellow, orange and red. With a keen eye and a fair amount of guesstimating where our town sits on the map... we (meaning DH and myself) contemplate the need to venture outside in the rain and manually close the sewer line to our house. Neither of us really want to be out there since the shut off valve is hidden in the front bushes, but... one of us will be determined enough to just do it. Of course, we announce the final bathroom run for the day, night or whenever we are to embark on shutting our house off from using any running water.....
And here we are.... looking at the local reservoir threatening to back flow on to one of the main streets in town. I took this picture an hour ago when I went to get myself a king-sized candy bar.... Yep, when I get stressed I run for chocolate. The level of stress is based upon the size of the chocolate I get. Fun size is just a taste on my easy days and a king-size is when I try to laugh instead of cry from the frustration and just to think.... Spring showers are only a small part of the flood watching season. I get to do this again in the fall, too.... oh, and when we get a real huge rainfall in the summer and when we have a huge snowfall melting too fast.....
Since there is mention of this rain not ending for a couple more days, I have to figure how to shower, wash dishes, clean my house, and avoid the stench from unflushed toilets for a couple more days (or until things start to dry out a little outside). I think ordering pizza, paper plates, plastic cutlery, and visits to the local Y are in order for me. On the bright side of all of this is I have lakefront property only part of the year and I get to feel like I am camping without the inconvenience of leaving my house. Oh, and if I am really lucky.... we might still have power for this. The sound of the generator running really gives me a headache and I really hate carrying gas cans in the back of my truck.
Have a great day everyone!
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
I am so close to being done it is even scaring me!
There are days I feel as if there is a HUGE neon target tacked to my back that reads.... "Judgmental doormat here: Wipe your self-righteous feet here and unleash the toxic tidal wave because this one is too nice to talk back." Really? Am I the only one that gets nitpicked at like a vulture picking at the bones of a carcass? Heck, I have no more meat to pick at, but I seem to be that carcass that is the first choice to pick at and the only one not left alone to just turn into dust.
I open my mouth and I am wrong... I don't open my mouth and I am still wrong!
Whoops.... I am blogging now and apparently I am wrong for doing that, too!
Oh, SNAP! I have friends, but I cannot be seen with them in pictures on a social site because my seldom opportunities of going out makes me look like an alcoholic or a fool. Oh, that's right.... I can have friends, but I cannot spend time with them, either.
Free thought is not free when you have an army of unhappy people just itching to pounce on you whenever you even think of sharing a thought, joke, or even a tidbit of something remotely exciting or happy in my life. While I would just love to have a form of release that does not result in either a face-to-face smack down or a phone call that sets my teeth on edge... I know that I will forever be under the microscope somewhere by someone just itching to call me out on even the most minuscule of actions. Heck, even an inaction would be cause for nitpicking. I am alive, but not allowed to live it the way I choose to. Nope, it appears that others want to do the choosing for me.
Why stop there?? The toxic tidal wave of judgmental people happen to have an expansive view of things. I apparently never do enough, but when I try... I get knocked down for trying. In fact, when it comes to housework, I can clean to the point that I have no fingerprints left on my fingertips and there will be someone in the shadows making yet another mess for me to deal with since I apparently enjoy being looked upon as someone that apparently does nothing but eat chocolates on the couch all day and spends money like a drunken sailor on leave. Which, by the way, is not the case at all.
If it is not being judged by what I say, don't say, do and don't do... I am judged by what I wear, what I eat, how I look, my body shape, how I speak, and probably how I breathe. You see, there are people that have specialties in the realm of being nitpicking, toxic attitude sharing creatures. Some I know and many I don't. Complete strangers are judgmental people. That is where the adage of saying, "judging a book by its cover", comes from. Heck, when it comes to being judgmental... it is really only a black-or-white viewpoint with their beliefs that their views and opinions are the only right ones.
What is more frustrating is how certain people have the power to constantly badger another person into submission that they are no longer allowed to act freely because of the constant nitpicking and opinions that are tossed at them. I am not sure if this tendency is stemmed from constantly being so miserable that they can only feel better when they make those around them just as miserable, but I can only assume that is why. The curious nature in me wonders if those people ever had a happy moment in their lives to actually stop making others so tense and unsure of themselves.
I mean, I really have no problems with opinionated people. I can be opinionated from time to time. It is when that opinionated person has no off switch that bothers me. I mean, I get it that they are not happy in their environment, but does it always need to be a battle to have a normal conversation? Can these miserable people find the silver lining a little more than always feeling like the sky is perpetually falling? No one person is perfect and they are not meant to be, but could these judgmental people appreciate that tidbit of knowledge? While I know that the hidden meaning behind the judgmental behavior is because they care too much, I just hoped that these people would allow those that they care about the opportunity to at least experience life on their own terms? Isn't that what life is all about? It is about experiences taken and lessons learned, right? It is about taking risks and blind leaps of faith to actually co-exist with others. We all have faults and we all make mistakes, but being constantly told what to do does break the spirit of a person as well as limit our choices between what is right and what is wrong.
After years of being nitpicked and told how to act has finally taken its toll on the once vibrant person I once was. I am constantly fearful of upsetting another person and I second guess everything I say and do. I am though, getting to the point that I will just snap and not care what others think or I will completely shut down and not even try to live my life. Trust me.... both are very extreme and not balanced in any way. It is probably better described as this.... I will either become a person in everyone's face or I will try to curl up into the smallest ball possible with hopes of disappearing. Neither one is really who I am or would like to become, but the opportunity is there. I just really do not want to anger everyone in my path and I really do not want to cut myself off socially, but the line is starting to be drawn and the fine line that divides the two is getting finer by the minute. There will be no balancing act if this keeps up and that scares me even more. I can only hope that those people that appear to be so critical to how I should live my life can see this shift in my attitude to back off for a while and let me learn how to live my life my way or they will suffer the consequences from their actions. Trust me when I say this..... it will not be pretty nor what they hoped for.
I open my mouth and I am wrong... I don't open my mouth and I am still wrong!
Whoops.... I am blogging now and apparently I am wrong for doing that, too!
Oh, SNAP! I have friends, but I cannot be seen with them in pictures on a social site because my seldom opportunities of going out makes me look like an alcoholic or a fool. Oh, that's right.... I can have friends, but I cannot spend time with them, either.
Free thought is not free when you have an army of unhappy people just itching to pounce on you whenever you even think of sharing a thought, joke, or even a tidbit of something remotely exciting or happy in my life. While I would just love to have a form of release that does not result in either a face-to-face smack down or a phone call that sets my teeth on edge... I know that I will forever be under the microscope somewhere by someone just itching to call me out on even the most minuscule of actions. Heck, even an inaction would be cause for nitpicking. I am alive, but not allowed to live it the way I choose to. Nope, it appears that others want to do the choosing for me.
Why stop there?? The toxic tidal wave of judgmental people happen to have an expansive view of things. I apparently never do enough, but when I try... I get knocked down for trying. In fact, when it comes to housework, I can clean to the point that I have no fingerprints left on my fingertips and there will be someone in the shadows making yet another mess for me to deal with since I apparently enjoy being looked upon as someone that apparently does nothing but eat chocolates on the couch all day and spends money like a drunken sailor on leave. Which, by the way, is not the case at all.
If it is not being judged by what I say, don't say, do and don't do... I am judged by what I wear, what I eat, how I look, my body shape, how I speak, and probably how I breathe. You see, there are people that have specialties in the realm of being nitpicking, toxic attitude sharing creatures. Some I know and many I don't. Complete strangers are judgmental people. That is where the adage of saying, "judging a book by its cover", comes from. Heck, when it comes to being judgmental... it is really only a black-or-white viewpoint with their beliefs that their views and opinions are the only right ones.
What is more frustrating is how certain people have the power to constantly badger another person into submission that they are no longer allowed to act freely because of the constant nitpicking and opinions that are tossed at them. I am not sure if this tendency is stemmed from constantly being so miserable that they can only feel better when they make those around them just as miserable, but I can only assume that is why. The curious nature in me wonders if those people ever had a happy moment in their lives to actually stop making others so tense and unsure of themselves.
I mean, I really have no problems with opinionated people. I can be opinionated from time to time. It is when that opinionated person has no off switch that bothers me. I mean, I get it that they are not happy in their environment, but does it always need to be a battle to have a normal conversation? Can these miserable people find the silver lining a little more than always feeling like the sky is perpetually falling? No one person is perfect and they are not meant to be, but could these judgmental people appreciate that tidbit of knowledge? While I know that the hidden meaning behind the judgmental behavior is because they care too much, I just hoped that these people would allow those that they care about the opportunity to at least experience life on their own terms? Isn't that what life is all about? It is about experiences taken and lessons learned, right? It is about taking risks and blind leaps of faith to actually co-exist with others. We all have faults and we all make mistakes, but being constantly told what to do does break the spirit of a person as well as limit our choices between what is right and what is wrong.
After years of being nitpicked and told how to act has finally taken its toll on the once vibrant person I once was. I am constantly fearful of upsetting another person and I second guess everything I say and do. I am though, getting to the point that I will just snap and not care what others think or I will completely shut down and not even try to live my life. Trust me.... both are very extreme and not balanced in any way. It is probably better described as this.... I will either become a person in everyone's face or I will try to curl up into the smallest ball possible with hopes of disappearing. Neither one is really who I am or would like to become, but the opportunity is there. I just really do not want to anger everyone in my path and I really do not want to cut myself off socially, but the line is starting to be drawn and the fine line that divides the two is getting finer by the minute. There will be no balancing act if this keeps up and that scares me even more. I can only hope that those people that appear to be so critical to how I should live my life can see this shift in my attitude to back off for a while and let me learn how to live my life my way or they will suffer the consequences from their actions. Trust me when I say this..... it will not be pretty nor what they hoped for.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Simple things in a complex world.....
When it comes down to what a person needs and what a person wants.... I happened to notice that things are far more simple these days. Well, at least when it comes to me. Really, not that much makes me fairly happy... in fact, I appear to be quite simple to figure out. I just wonder why it is so hard to obtain these simple things.... Oh, that's right.... NOTHING is simple these days.
When it boils down to what makes me happy.... there really is not that much effort necessary. Gift giving is even easier, but according to DH.... I am apparently the most difficult person to shop for. That, my friends, is so far from the truth and I can now explain it with the greatest of ease......
I was raised to appreciate everything that is offered to me. It is far easier to appreciate something when you pay attention to the thought behind it than the actual item offered. In the grand scheme of things.... it is far greater to be thought of freely than forced to think about. I taught DD the same concept that any gift that is stemmed from a heartfelt thought about you is something to appreciate. No matter how the initial thought of the item may be. Hey, that sweater might look ugly to you, but someone put in some heartfelt thought that you might actually like it and you should appreciate the sentiment that they thought of you in the first place.
While it is known that diamonds are a girl's best friend, I would be just as happy with a six-pack of beer and a friend to share it with. In comparison, the price range between these two gifts (or offerings if you want to call it that), is far from being equal. Diamonds are expensive, but having a beer with a friend is priceless. Flowers, chocolates, cards, and such are okay, but offer me something that can give me far happier memories is the most priceless gift this simple girl could ask for. Every hand-made card from DD has more value to me than any store-bought item because the sentiment comes from the heart. A simple note telling me that you are thinking of me is the most valuable thing I could possibly ask for and that is because I have something tangible to look back upon when I feel alone or unappreciated. Heck, I still have a small note that DH wrote me when I was dating him that said the nicest things just because he took the time to actually write it out. I even remember what the reason was for his little note. I was having a really bad series of events happening to me and he wanted to let me know that he cared and was there for me if I needed him. I still have tears in my eyes whenever I think about it. I might sound sappy about that, but deep down I am a sappy person.
Just last week, my best friend sends me a cryptic text about a super secret surprise that I was to keep. As she shared with me what the secret was in bits and pieces.... I was fearing that I could not contain the excitement that was bubbling under the surface. The secret started with the knowledge that her little brother was getting married in less than a week and her soon to be sister-in-law needed someone to do her hair and I was considered for the job. Now, you have to realize that my best friend happens to live in Las Vegas, Nevada, and so does her little brother and his fiance'. Thinking that I was getting a ticket to go there to do her hair had me excited about the notion of going there. Of course, that was not the case because they were coming back to Illinois to get married. Okay, I was a little sad that I did not get to go there, but I was still thrilled that I was considered for the job. After the excitement of going to see my best friend started to wind down, my cell phone rang and the conversation continued with my best friend. That is when the excitement started all over again because she called to tell me that she was also coming back to Illinois for the wedding, but needed a place to crash since her little brother and his fiance' thought she could not swing the time off from her job as well as the air fare to attend the wedding and since she did manage... she wanted to surprise them. While it would have been awesome to go somewhere different to see my best friend.... I was equally thrilled that she was coming here and that I got a chance to spend some quality time with her. Of course, I did get a serious nudge to get my Spring cleaning started with a vengeance because my spare bedroom looked like a storage locker with nowhere for her to sleep. I only had a few days to prepare for her arrival and trust me.... I worked like a crazed woman to be prepared for her arrival. Her stay was short, but appreciated and the surprise for her little brother and now new sister-in-law went off without a hitch. Even spending a little time with my best friend's little brother was a cherished memory since it has been years since I have seen him last. The laughs we shared on his wedding day are going to be definitely remembered for years.
Now, onward to probably the one thing I would really love to do and hope that DH sees it as a simple request to fulfill..... I would really love to take a trip to see my best friend where she now lives. Well, on the surface it seems simple, but I already know that it is far more difficult to accomplish and here is the reasoning behind it.....
It would be simple to just take a little time (a few days) to jump on a plane and fly to Nevada to see them. I was invited to stay at their place for the duration and the cost of doing things would be fairly reasonable. I am not a thrill seeker and eating home cooked meals are just fine for me. I do not have expensive tastes and I am not a huge fan of shopping... so it would cost me very little to be there. The problems are as follows...... The cost of air fare to get there: we just do not have the surplus of money to spend for that.... and even if we did find a cheap fare.... it is being away from my family for a few days. I believe that I have enabled my family to rely upon me far too much to just pack up and go for more than a day. DH has never been required to do too much when it came to caring for DD and has no clue what to do with a teenager. Now, DD is currently a teenager, but she is not old enough to drive herself places that she needs to go to, but she can be self-sufficient to a degree. Neither can really cook and it would make me sick to my stomach what they would be eating (or not eating) while I am away. Since this trip would probably be over a weekend, it would be safe to say that the normal rhythm of the routine would be severely disrupted because of two things..... 1. The grocery shopping would not get done because neither one can really cook anything and there would be no guarantee that it would be done since when I return I would be cooking with missing ingredients (meaning: they have no clue what we need to make anything), and 2. DH hates driving and would just blow off getting the groceries, but will not let me do the shopping trip alone because since I gave him the "big boy pill", we now shop as a family every week to keep the budget in check. I do know that since neither one can cook, it will be painfully prevalent that neither one will clean while I am away. While I am capable of doing that once I return.... it is a guarantee that I will be stunned into paralysis from the magnitude of the mess left for me to clean up and it will take me far longer to get caught up. Of course, I also have the job of being the buffer between these two and I have my doubts that these two can avoid arguing while I am gone. With DH's track record of making things painfully uncomfortable with DD's track record of not avoiding confrontation.... I fear that my teenage daughter would be kicked out of the house while I am gone. Heck, I know that my enabling ways makes me fearful of leaving my home and that is seriously not healthy. While it would be even easier to just take DD with me, I am still stuck with the same issues of money and the natural flow of things at home being disrupted. Even if I could convince DH to go with us as a family trip.... I know I would be fighting a no-win battle because DH rarely likes to do things I like to do and going to see my best friend is not a big draw for him to be thrilled to go. I would hear about how we just cannot afford to go take a family trip and he just cannot pick up and take one since his garage is down to a skeleton crew and his mind would be elsewhere the whole time.
You see? Simple stuff, but can get complicated quite easily. It just would be nice that all simple things can be as simple as they appear and not so complicated. At least when it comes down to a simple thing like a note that speaks from the heart... it cannot be all that difficult, right? Maybe I have this all wrong.... Maybe even the most simple things are the most difficult. I guess I need to think this through just a little more, but alas I have things to do. Laundry does not do itself, nor does the housework. Thanks for reading and have a great day!
When it boils down to what makes me happy.... there really is not that much effort necessary. Gift giving is even easier, but according to DH.... I am apparently the most difficult person to shop for. That, my friends, is so far from the truth and I can now explain it with the greatest of ease......
I was raised to appreciate everything that is offered to me. It is far easier to appreciate something when you pay attention to the thought behind it than the actual item offered. In the grand scheme of things.... it is far greater to be thought of freely than forced to think about. I taught DD the same concept that any gift that is stemmed from a heartfelt thought about you is something to appreciate. No matter how the initial thought of the item may be. Hey, that sweater might look ugly to you, but someone put in some heartfelt thought that you might actually like it and you should appreciate the sentiment that they thought of you in the first place.
While it is known that diamonds are a girl's best friend, I would be just as happy with a six-pack of beer and a friend to share it with. In comparison, the price range between these two gifts (or offerings if you want to call it that), is far from being equal. Diamonds are expensive, but having a beer with a friend is priceless. Flowers, chocolates, cards, and such are okay, but offer me something that can give me far happier memories is the most priceless gift this simple girl could ask for. Every hand-made card from DD has more value to me than any store-bought item because the sentiment comes from the heart. A simple note telling me that you are thinking of me is the most valuable thing I could possibly ask for and that is because I have something tangible to look back upon when I feel alone or unappreciated. Heck, I still have a small note that DH wrote me when I was dating him that said the nicest things just because he took the time to actually write it out. I even remember what the reason was for his little note. I was having a really bad series of events happening to me and he wanted to let me know that he cared and was there for me if I needed him. I still have tears in my eyes whenever I think about it. I might sound sappy about that, but deep down I am a sappy person.
Just last week, my best friend sends me a cryptic text about a super secret surprise that I was to keep. As she shared with me what the secret was in bits and pieces.... I was fearing that I could not contain the excitement that was bubbling under the surface. The secret started with the knowledge that her little brother was getting married in less than a week and her soon to be sister-in-law needed someone to do her hair and I was considered for the job. Now, you have to realize that my best friend happens to live in Las Vegas, Nevada, and so does her little brother and his fiance'. Thinking that I was getting a ticket to go there to do her hair had me excited about the notion of going there. Of course, that was not the case because they were coming back to Illinois to get married. Okay, I was a little sad that I did not get to go there, but I was still thrilled that I was considered for the job. After the excitement of going to see my best friend started to wind down, my cell phone rang and the conversation continued with my best friend. That is when the excitement started all over again because she called to tell me that she was also coming back to Illinois for the wedding, but needed a place to crash since her little brother and his fiance' thought she could not swing the time off from her job as well as the air fare to attend the wedding and since she did manage... she wanted to surprise them. While it would have been awesome to go somewhere different to see my best friend.... I was equally thrilled that she was coming here and that I got a chance to spend some quality time with her. Of course, I did get a serious nudge to get my Spring cleaning started with a vengeance because my spare bedroom looked like a storage locker with nowhere for her to sleep. I only had a few days to prepare for her arrival and trust me.... I worked like a crazed woman to be prepared for her arrival. Her stay was short, but appreciated and the surprise for her little brother and now new sister-in-law went off without a hitch. Even spending a little time with my best friend's little brother was a cherished memory since it has been years since I have seen him last. The laughs we shared on his wedding day are going to be definitely remembered for years.
Now, onward to probably the one thing I would really love to do and hope that DH sees it as a simple request to fulfill..... I would really love to take a trip to see my best friend where she now lives. Well, on the surface it seems simple, but I already know that it is far more difficult to accomplish and here is the reasoning behind it.....
It would be simple to just take a little time (a few days) to jump on a plane and fly to Nevada to see them. I was invited to stay at their place for the duration and the cost of doing things would be fairly reasonable. I am not a thrill seeker and eating home cooked meals are just fine for me. I do not have expensive tastes and I am not a huge fan of shopping... so it would cost me very little to be there. The problems are as follows...... The cost of air fare to get there: we just do not have the surplus of money to spend for that.... and even if we did find a cheap fare.... it is being away from my family for a few days. I believe that I have enabled my family to rely upon me far too much to just pack up and go for more than a day. DH has never been required to do too much when it came to caring for DD and has no clue what to do with a teenager. Now, DD is currently a teenager, but she is not old enough to drive herself places that she needs to go to, but she can be self-sufficient to a degree. Neither can really cook and it would make me sick to my stomach what they would be eating (or not eating) while I am away. Since this trip would probably be over a weekend, it would be safe to say that the normal rhythm of the routine would be severely disrupted because of two things..... 1. The grocery shopping would not get done because neither one can really cook anything and there would be no guarantee that it would be done since when I return I would be cooking with missing ingredients (meaning: they have no clue what we need to make anything), and 2. DH hates driving and would just blow off getting the groceries, but will not let me do the shopping trip alone because since I gave him the "big boy pill", we now shop as a family every week to keep the budget in check. I do know that since neither one can cook, it will be painfully prevalent that neither one will clean while I am away. While I am capable of doing that once I return.... it is a guarantee that I will be stunned into paralysis from the magnitude of the mess left for me to clean up and it will take me far longer to get caught up. Of course, I also have the job of being the buffer between these two and I have my doubts that these two can avoid arguing while I am gone. With DH's track record of making things painfully uncomfortable with DD's track record of not avoiding confrontation.... I fear that my teenage daughter would be kicked out of the house while I am gone. Heck, I know that my enabling ways makes me fearful of leaving my home and that is seriously not healthy. While it would be even easier to just take DD with me, I am still stuck with the same issues of money and the natural flow of things at home being disrupted. Even if I could convince DH to go with us as a family trip.... I know I would be fighting a no-win battle because DH rarely likes to do things I like to do and going to see my best friend is not a big draw for him to be thrilled to go. I would hear about how we just cannot afford to go take a family trip and he just cannot pick up and take one since his garage is down to a skeleton crew and his mind would be elsewhere the whole time.
You see? Simple stuff, but can get complicated quite easily. It just would be nice that all simple things can be as simple as they appear and not so complicated. At least when it comes down to a simple thing like a note that speaks from the heart... it cannot be all that difficult, right? Maybe I have this all wrong.... Maybe even the most simple things are the most difficult. I guess I need to think this through just a little more, but alas I have things to do. Laundry does not do itself, nor does the housework. Thanks for reading and have a great day!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Stunned stupid speechless, I think....
Lately, I have been hearing from people that I have a talent to write. There have even been a few people that believe that I could actually write a book and I should try. I do appreciate the compliment, but deep down inside I know I lack the skills to go beyond writing a blog post here and there. I am not that talented to outline a story plot and build a story with fictional characters. I am just an average person that does not have enough to follow through to even try. I will admit that I thought about it a couple of times. In fact, I once did try to think up a story to tell and even started it to only scrap the idea and deleted what I started with. The reason is because what I did start with really had nowhere to grow from and after 2 pages of effort, I could not even set a proper dialogue between the characters. You have to realize that I am my own toughest critic and I just flat out refuse to see what I did manage to write being worthy of print. Heck, I struggle with sharing what I write when I happen to blog.
There are other things that I happen to do that also end up with compliments and requests to build upon what I have done and make it more widely available to the public or I should start my own business with....
I have told people that an idle mind for me is a recipe for disaster. When DH takes his annual "fishing" trip with his buddies (aka the 4-day drink-a-palooza sans spouses and/or family), I manage to find yet another "hobby" to start. The first few years, I was a cleaning maniac that would fill my waking hours until I crashed from exhaustion and would have DH return home to a spotless and rearranged home. Yep, I moved furniture, too. One person told me that I should become an interior decorator with that hobby. Then, for a few years after that, I took up glass painting. I purchased a few tutorial books, some paints, a set of brushes, and learned the skill to paint on glass. I painted glassware sets, wine glasses, glass ornaments, glass bowls, glass vases, and a few glass cake stands. All it took was for one donation to DD's preschool for their annual fundraising auction and then I ended up painting glassware and ornaments for their annual craft show with special orders pouring in every time. I got really tired painting glass real quick. Well, I still will paint on glass, but not as often as I used to. Then, after that, I had an interest in making beaded jewelry. That hobby got real expensive... really fast. I just could not fathom using cheap materials. With each trip to the bead store, I managed to learn yet another little trick or technique. I even took a few project classes to learn the process to make a specific item. While what I made was oohed and complimented on, I just did not have the confidence to actually sell what I made as a worthy craft to the masses. Nowadays, I might dabble a little if the mood hits me, but most of the time I am repairing co-worker's broken stuff. Then, of course, I also have one other talent that I have been praised for and a few of my professional colleagues have been pushing me to consider starting my own business in makeup artistry. One person has even offered to have a friend of hers set me up with a web page to advertise my talents and set up a pay pal account so people can buy makeup from me. The catch is for me to purchase the necessary inventory and have a place to store the stuff. Then, of course, I would have to set up all the other facets of having a business and would need an accountant to manage handling taxes, profit/loss statements, and projections to assure there is enough financial security as well as inventory control to assure me that my investment is not a money eating disaster. Heck, I just do not have the capital to start a business, nor the backing necessary to even consider it.
With the start of any business venture, there is a strong case of huge losses for the first 3 years. I am not even sure if that is accurate anymore. Supply and demand can either make or break a business. Heck, with that in mind.... there is no guarantee that a business can become fruitful after the mentioned three year acclimation period since the economy is closing businesses that have been around for far longer than three years. I just do not have the capital to support something to watch it fail as well as the nerves of steel to take the chance. What I do see is something that people see as exceptional being just not all that special. Heck, it is run-of-the-mill to me. There are plenty of artisans that paint glass, make beaded jewelry, rearrange furniture, and apply makeup out there. Not all entrepreneurs succeed and the ones that do have more drive than I could ever imagine. I believe that all stems from really believing in themselves to succeed. I just do not have that much faith in myself. Probably because I have been slowly being knocked down every time I tried. My helpful nature has been knocked down so many times, I should have the word "welcome" stitched across my forehead. Ideas that I gave DH in helping solve some of his business problems were shot down faster than the words came out of my mouth, to later find out another person thought the same thing and became the greatest idea ever. If the one person I seek out to have believe in me and back me in starting a venture as big as any of the ones I listed (including trying to write a book that I feel would not be worth the paper it is printed on), shoots me down every time and kills the possible confidence necessary to even bother trying... then it is probably the wisest of choices to not try to make a mark in the world.
So, in closing.... I would like to at least say thanks to all of you that believe more in me than I believe in myself. Who knows.... maybe someday I will try again when it comes to writing a book. I do not really see myself as an author, but if I do decide to really try and follow through.... I will let you know if I succeed. For now... I might stick to blogging from time to time. That is my cathartic release, you know....
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
There are other things that I happen to do that also end up with compliments and requests to build upon what I have done and make it more widely available to the public or I should start my own business with....
I have told people that an idle mind for me is a recipe for disaster. When DH takes his annual "fishing" trip with his buddies (aka the 4-day drink-a-palooza sans spouses and/or family), I manage to find yet another "hobby" to start. The first few years, I was a cleaning maniac that would fill my waking hours until I crashed from exhaustion and would have DH return home to a spotless and rearranged home. Yep, I moved furniture, too. One person told me that I should become an interior decorator with that hobby. Then, for a few years after that, I took up glass painting. I purchased a few tutorial books, some paints, a set of brushes, and learned the skill to paint on glass. I painted glassware sets, wine glasses, glass ornaments, glass bowls, glass vases, and a few glass cake stands. All it took was for one donation to DD's preschool for their annual fundraising auction and then I ended up painting glassware and ornaments for their annual craft show with special orders pouring in every time. I got really tired painting glass real quick. Well, I still will paint on glass, but not as often as I used to. Then, after that, I had an interest in making beaded jewelry. That hobby got real expensive... really fast. I just could not fathom using cheap materials. With each trip to the bead store, I managed to learn yet another little trick or technique. I even took a few project classes to learn the process to make a specific item. While what I made was oohed and complimented on, I just did not have the confidence to actually sell what I made as a worthy craft to the masses. Nowadays, I might dabble a little if the mood hits me, but most of the time I am repairing co-worker's broken stuff. Then, of course, I also have one other talent that I have been praised for and a few of my professional colleagues have been pushing me to consider starting my own business in makeup artistry. One person has even offered to have a friend of hers set me up with a web page to advertise my talents and set up a pay pal account so people can buy makeup from me. The catch is for me to purchase the necessary inventory and have a place to store the stuff. Then, of course, I would have to set up all the other facets of having a business and would need an accountant to manage handling taxes, profit/loss statements, and projections to assure there is enough financial security as well as inventory control to assure me that my investment is not a money eating disaster. Heck, I just do not have the capital to start a business, nor the backing necessary to even consider it.
With the start of any business venture, there is a strong case of huge losses for the first 3 years. I am not even sure if that is accurate anymore. Supply and demand can either make or break a business. Heck, with that in mind.... there is no guarantee that a business can become fruitful after the mentioned three year acclimation period since the economy is closing businesses that have been around for far longer than three years. I just do not have the capital to support something to watch it fail as well as the nerves of steel to take the chance. What I do see is something that people see as exceptional being just not all that special. Heck, it is run-of-the-mill to me. There are plenty of artisans that paint glass, make beaded jewelry, rearrange furniture, and apply makeup out there. Not all entrepreneurs succeed and the ones that do have more drive than I could ever imagine. I believe that all stems from really believing in themselves to succeed. I just do not have that much faith in myself. Probably because I have been slowly being knocked down every time I tried. My helpful nature has been knocked down so many times, I should have the word "welcome" stitched across my forehead. Ideas that I gave DH in helping solve some of his business problems were shot down faster than the words came out of my mouth, to later find out another person thought the same thing and became the greatest idea ever. If the one person I seek out to have believe in me and back me in starting a venture as big as any of the ones I listed (including trying to write a book that I feel would not be worth the paper it is printed on), shoots me down every time and kills the possible confidence necessary to even bother trying... then it is probably the wisest of choices to not try to make a mark in the world.
So, in closing.... I would like to at least say thanks to all of you that believe more in me than I believe in myself. Who knows.... maybe someday I will try again when it comes to writing a book. I do not really see myself as an author, but if I do decide to really try and follow through.... I will let you know if I succeed. For now... I might stick to blogging from time to time. That is my cathartic release, you know....
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
Friday, March 22, 2013
Reasons with seasons....
As I woke up this morning, I looked at all the cleaning I really need to accomplish and sighed. Upon walking into the room that holds my computer, I say... "Nope, not today... just not feeling it. Maybe next week." My stomach started growing since I skipped dinner last night and wondered what I would make myself for breakfast and cringed. Just thinking about the calorie content, the health value, AND the dirty dish I will have to clean managed to squash the notion of eating anything beyond a banana or an apple. Of course, I learned early this morning that an empty stomach can make a person sit up rather quickly when the acids that reside there start to rise, seeking something to devour. Not exactly my best moment to fear throwing up with no bucket nearby. I had a hard time going back to sleep after that false alarm, so I sat up and let gravity takes it's course to keep the burning tide from breaking free.
DD and DH both have left for the day. Leaving me home alone with a lot to do and zero motivation to do anything. Oh joy! A repeat of yesterday.
I did finish that book I started the other day last night, and I have another one lined up for today. While I have roughly 3 weeks to read these library books, I just can't seem to take my time. When it comes to reading, that is. I manage to read a book in roughly a day or two. I lost count of how many books I have read over the course of a year. According to my Amazon account, I have at least reviewed 100 books (the 100th one I did last night). I know I read more than that because when I started reviewing every book I read, I skipped going back to review the ones I had. I just did not feel like dredging up what I thought of a book from a month prior when I was well past it. Really, does Amazon really need the reviews of books 2-17 in the Janet Evanovich, Stephanie Plum series? I did do a review of 1, 18, and 19, even though I did read every book she published. Including her 12 or so books that were strictly from the genre of romance AND her other 2 series as well as those few stand alone books she had out in the past 2 years. Heck, I was even being nice in some of my reviews when I probably shouldn't have. I just could not bring myself to slam a book because it was not what I expected. Heck, I can't see myself writing a book, so who am I to judge? Believe me.... some of the people reviewing these books were real nitpickers with counting typos and exposing small grammatical errors. Apparently, they lost focus on the enjoyment of reading a story to escape the everyday. Between the library's vast selection (and not always complete when it comes to series from certain authors), and those few purchases from Amazon for my kindle.... I have a hefty library of things I have read. Thank goodness I have that Kindle of mine! If I owned the paper copies of all these books.... I would have no room in my house to exist in. Okay, I might be exaggerating a little bit, but since I do not own a book shelf... you can imagine seeing books strewn all over my house. I just have to wait for the few books I pre-ordered on Amazon to become available. Really... why offer a teaser into the next book if it won't be available to read for months? That drives me batty. I am apparently impatient.
Okay... enough with my tangent on books. What I really wanted to get off my chest to see if I am truly not alone in this matter is.... I lost my Spring cleaning mojo. It is technically Spring, you know. Of course, it feels nothing like Spring. It is darn frigid outside! The snow is not melting, and there is mention that there will be another dusting of the white stuff in the very near future. That darn rat lied when he saw his shadow and Mother Nature is making it known that we should not believe that tale of folklore anymore. I can't open my windows for some fresh air without DH blowing a sprocket over the heating bill and this stagnant, trapped winter air is really messing with my ability to feel motivated to get anything done beyond the usual maintenance cleaning. Heck, I am even slacking on the surface cleaning I should be doing.
You think that living with two clutter bugs would motivate me to try harder, but it is not. The dirty socks are yet again taking residence on the floor by DH's side of the bed. DD is back to her old ways of living in a pig sty that is called her room. All the while, I am not all that thrilled with the pile of clothes that need to be tended to in the laundry room as well as the dust that is piling up everywhere. I am actually starting to overlook the drips, spills and dropping of crumbs and seeds on my floors. I dread washing dishes, I am starting to hate cooking... food is becoming unappealing to me... and all I want to do is curl up with a book and escape. I will admit that when I read a book.... I don't add to the building mess that we have going on.
What concerns me is that Spring break is starting tomorrow for DD and that means her friends will want to hang out here if their parents are not schlepping them off to a vacation destination for the week. Trust me.... my house is not ready for a group of teenage girls to hang out in. Heck, the gibberish they squeak out kills the ambiance I prefer for reading a book. I like peace and quiet. With that thought, I shudder at the realization that summer is around the corner. 10 weeks of trying to keep track of DD is a job in itself. DH will be taking his annual "fishing" trip again this year with his buddies and I get 5 days of reprieve from his attitude (or in some cases... non-attitude that hogs the remote and sleeps on the couch with the TV on).
I just hope that I get my cleaning mojo back soon because I have a project I want to accomplish in DH's absence that includes painting and rearranging some furniture where my computer resides. I will eventually get to repainting my living room one of these years (if DH keeps avoiding it). I do happen to have some drapery I have to either make or purchase for DD's room as well as leveling some patio paving slabs in the back yard. Heck, I would even consider re-sheathing the shed and giving that a coat of paint. The door is rotting on it's hinges and needs to be replaced. Since DH is not motivated to do these things.... I will get to them myself. I just have to get past this seasonal slump since Spring does not feel like Spring.
Oh well, I guess I need to be patient, huh? Time to grab my book and wait for the weather to warm up so I can use the grill again. I sure do miss cooking outdoors. Have a nice day everyone!
DD and DH both have left for the day. Leaving me home alone with a lot to do and zero motivation to do anything. Oh joy! A repeat of yesterday.
I did finish that book I started the other day last night, and I have another one lined up for today. While I have roughly 3 weeks to read these library books, I just can't seem to take my time. When it comes to reading, that is. I manage to read a book in roughly a day or two. I lost count of how many books I have read over the course of a year. According to my Amazon account, I have at least reviewed 100 books (the 100th one I did last night). I know I read more than that because when I started reviewing every book I read, I skipped going back to review the ones I had. I just did not feel like dredging up what I thought of a book from a month prior when I was well past it. Really, does Amazon really need the reviews of books 2-17 in the Janet Evanovich, Stephanie Plum series? I did do a review of 1, 18, and 19, even though I did read every book she published. Including her 12 or so books that were strictly from the genre of romance AND her other 2 series as well as those few stand alone books she had out in the past 2 years. Heck, I was even being nice in some of my reviews when I probably shouldn't have. I just could not bring myself to slam a book because it was not what I expected. Heck, I can't see myself writing a book, so who am I to judge? Believe me.... some of the people reviewing these books were real nitpickers with counting typos and exposing small grammatical errors. Apparently, they lost focus on the enjoyment of reading a story to escape the everyday. Between the library's vast selection (and not always complete when it comes to series from certain authors), and those few purchases from Amazon for my kindle.... I have a hefty library of things I have read. Thank goodness I have that Kindle of mine! If I owned the paper copies of all these books.... I would have no room in my house to exist in. Okay, I might be exaggerating a little bit, but since I do not own a book shelf... you can imagine seeing books strewn all over my house. I just have to wait for the few books I pre-ordered on Amazon to become available. Really... why offer a teaser into the next book if it won't be available to read for months? That drives me batty. I am apparently impatient.
Okay... enough with my tangent on books. What I really wanted to get off my chest to see if I am truly not alone in this matter is.... I lost my Spring cleaning mojo. It is technically Spring, you know. Of course, it feels nothing like Spring. It is darn frigid outside! The snow is not melting, and there is mention that there will be another dusting of the white stuff in the very near future. That darn rat lied when he saw his shadow and Mother Nature is making it known that we should not believe that tale of folklore anymore. I can't open my windows for some fresh air without DH blowing a sprocket over the heating bill and this stagnant, trapped winter air is really messing with my ability to feel motivated to get anything done beyond the usual maintenance cleaning. Heck, I am even slacking on the surface cleaning I should be doing.
You think that living with two clutter bugs would motivate me to try harder, but it is not. The dirty socks are yet again taking residence on the floor by DH's side of the bed. DD is back to her old ways of living in a pig sty that is called her room. All the while, I am not all that thrilled with the pile of clothes that need to be tended to in the laundry room as well as the dust that is piling up everywhere. I am actually starting to overlook the drips, spills and dropping of crumbs and seeds on my floors. I dread washing dishes, I am starting to hate cooking... food is becoming unappealing to me... and all I want to do is curl up with a book and escape. I will admit that when I read a book.... I don't add to the building mess that we have going on.
What concerns me is that Spring break is starting tomorrow for DD and that means her friends will want to hang out here if their parents are not schlepping them off to a vacation destination for the week. Trust me.... my house is not ready for a group of teenage girls to hang out in. Heck, the gibberish they squeak out kills the ambiance I prefer for reading a book. I like peace and quiet. With that thought, I shudder at the realization that summer is around the corner. 10 weeks of trying to keep track of DD is a job in itself. DH will be taking his annual "fishing" trip again this year with his buddies and I get 5 days of reprieve from his attitude (or in some cases... non-attitude that hogs the remote and sleeps on the couch with the TV on).
I just hope that I get my cleaning mojo back soon because I have a project I want to accomplish in DH's absence that includes painting and rearranging some furniture where my computer resides. I will eventually get to repainting my living room one of these years (if DH keeps avoiding it). I do happen to have some drapery I have to either make or purchase for DD's room as well as leveling some patio paving slabs in the back yard. Heck, I would even consider re-sheathing the shed and giving that a coat of paint. The door is rotting on it's hinges and needs to be replaced. Since DH is not motivated to do these things.... I will get to them myself. I just have to get past this seasonal slump since Spring does not feel like Spring.
Oh well, I guess I need to be patient, huh? Time to grab my book and wait for the weather to warm up so I can use the grill again. I sure do miss cooking outdoors. Have a nice day everyone!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Just a little out of sorts.....
Have you ever felt like you are the square peg in a world of round holes? I can tell you this..... I sure have. I am not really sure when this feeling came about, but it has been hanging around for far too long. I just seems like everything is just.... off.
I wake up in the morning, I do my usual routine. Work is work, and home life is home life. It pretty much sounds like everything is normal, but it is not. As I try to wrap my mind around these strange feelings, I get even more frustrated because I just cannot find the reason or even the starting point to how I got to this point. Heck, it is just like trying to pound a square peg in a round hole after all.
Really, I have handled all the issues at home and with DD. Things seem to be doing just fine. DH and I are getting along for the most part. There has been no significant improvement in the area of growth for our relationship, but fortunately (knocking on wood) we are not fighting. Who knows.... this just might be the calm before the storm and I am now on high alert for something stinky to hit the fan. Or it is a stage in life where things are going to remain this way.
Money is still painfully tight, the income I have managed to earn to help with the finances is gone before it arrives. The recent doctor's office debacle made sure that we are not going to get ahead any time soon. The bills for that have not yet arrived, but it is a guarantee that it is not going to be pretty when it does. I felt really bad that I could not participate in helping the children of a friend of mine raise money for the recent St. Baldrick's drive. The shame that I could not afford a few dollars for the cause has hit me hard. Heck, the shame that I bought myself something at the latest hair show is even stronger than before. That couple hundred dollars could have gone to others than to my supplies for work during the slow months at the salon. I should have reminded myself that I need to be last when it comes to necessities. I have done pretty good over the years. Even today, I am wearing a sweatshirt that is due for the rag bin, but I just don't have the heart to throw it away. More likely, I would never replace it if I did. I stopped trying to influence DH to step up more on the home front as well as stopped keeping on DD's backside about keeping her room clean. Basically, I have become a shell of a person going through the motions these days. I have not seen my friends in about a month, I think. I really do not know, but I have seen a fair number of events happening and being shared on Facebook. I will admit... I am a little jealous of all the fun they are having. I do get invites for events from time to time, but I sadly end up declining because I just do not have the money to go. I really hate owing people if they offer to buy me a beer because I am lacking money.
The job front is very slow. The salon seems to be getting less and less appointments booked and there is one day I am required to do services for free for a fashion show. While I love what I do, it really hurts when it comes down to the bottom line when you are not getting paid for the work. I have been the go-to girl for makeup services for years. I have supplied everything out of my pocket and the cost to keep my supplies up to date is taking a major hit when I still only earn a portion of the service and the rest goes to my place of employment. With this recent fashion show coming up and not being able to earn something back for my supplies.... I am really feeling unappreciated for my sacrifices. These people don't even tip for services rendered and really.... it is hard to build a repeat business when that service is strictly seen as something people do for special occasions. I try to cross-sell my abilities in hair, but with people trying to figure the value for something that they see more as a luxury than a necessity.... I am not seeing a really big return in consistent business. I have done this fashion show last year and not one of those people returned to become a consistent client, but are really looking forward to return to get more free services again this year. With money being tight everywhere, my regular clients are coming in less frequently. What was a standard of 4-6 weeks, has now been spaced out even further. Somewhere in the area of 2-3 months. I love my job as a hairdresser and makeup artist... feast or famine opportunities and all... but the famine part is really starting to wear me down. I am thankful, though, that I have been called in to help out being a student supervisor (aka hall monitor) from time to time. It is not exactly consistent either, but what I make from that has been going directly towards the family finances. I do not get a penny of that money. Once summer hits, I won't be called in to work and that extra money will not be coming in.
With the economic downfall and the decrease in available jobs, DD's college fund is not exactly growing, either. I keep reminding her that good grades and good test scores are helpful in possibly being accepted for scholarships, but the student loans will be devastating and she really needs to focus on good grades. I now fully understand how my parents struggled and sacrificed for their kids. I even feel bad about the resentment that I could not "keep up with the Jones'" back when I was a kid. I had to earn my own money to pay for things I really wanted and watched my parents feel bad that they could not give it to me. They were never ones to spoil us as kids, but they sure wanted to offer more to us than they ever had growing up. I had no doubt they felt bad saying no to the begging we pummeled them with because I sure feel bad when I have to say it to DD.
I seriously feel I need to step away from everything and try to find my center, but I fear that once I do step away from everything..... I will not return. I have done that before. After high school, I stepped away from everything and everyone I was friends with. While I made new friends along the way, I lost some opportunities to keep my old friendships strong. While I have tried to reconnect, I still feel that I am an outsider looking in. I am not the center of attention and I do not want to be, but there are times I wish I could get half the attention my friends get. I know that it is because of my actions that I am more detached to people, but I am not a pushy person to force people to want to be around me. I just have to accept and adapt.
Well, this flossing did nothing for my unsettled thoughts. I guess I should just go back to my book and maybe play a game or two on the computer to fill my time and distract me from digging deeper in my thoughts. I do appreciate that you took the time to read today's entry. Not sure when I will do another one. Have a good day!
I wake up in the morning, I do my usual routine. Work is work, and home life is home life. It pretty much sounds like everything is normal, but it is not. As I try to wrap my mind around these strange feelings, I get even more frustrated because I just cannot find the reason or even the starting point to how I got to this point. Heck, it is just like trying to pound a square peg in a round hole after all.
Really, I have handled all the issues at home and with DD. Things seem to be doing just fine. DH and I are getting along for the most part. There has been no significant improvement in the area of growth for our relationship, but fortunately (knocking on wood) we are not fighting. Who knows.... this just might be the calm before the storm and I am now on high alert for something stinky to hit the fan. Or it is a stage in life where things are going to remain this way.
Money is still painfully tight, the income I have managed to earn to help with the finances is gone before it arrives. The recent doctor's office debacle made sure that we are not going to get ahead any time soon. The bills for that have not yet arrived, but it is a guarantee that it is not going to be pretty when it does. I felt really bad that I could not participate in helping the children of a friend of mine raise money for the recent St. Baldrick's drive. The shame that I could not afford a few dollars for the cause has hit me hard. Heck, the shame that I bought myself something at the latest hair show is even stronger than before. That couple hundred dollars could have gone to others than to my supplies for work during the slow months at the salon. I should have reminded myself that I need to be last when it comes to necessities. I have done pretty good over the years. Even today, I am wearing a sweatshirt that is due for the rag bin, but I just don't have the heart to throw it away. More likely, I would never replace it if I did. I stopped trying to influence DH to step up more on the home front as well as stopped keeping on DD's backside about keeping her room clean. Basically, I have become a shell of a person going through the motions these days. I have not seen my friends in about a month, I think. I really do not know, but I have seen a fair number of events happening and being shared on Facebook. I will admit... I am a little jealous of all the fun they are having. I do get invites for events from time to time, but I sadly end up declining because I just do not have the money to go. I really hate owing people if they offer to buy me a beer because I am lacking money.
The job front is very slow. The salon seems to be getting less and less appointments booked and there is one day I am required to do services for free for a fashion show. While I love what I do, it really hurts when it comes down to the bottom line when you are not getting paid for the work. I have been the go-to girl for makeup services for years. I have supplied everything out of my pocket and the cost to keep my supplies up to date is taking a major hit when I still only earn a portion of the service and the rest goes to my place of employment. With this recent fashion show coming up and not being able to earn something back for my supplies.... I am really feeling unappreciated for my sacrifices. These people don't even tip for services rendered and really.... it is hard to build a repeat business when that service is strictly seen as something people do for special occasions. I try to cross-sell my abilities in hair, but with people trying to figure the value for something that they see more as a luxury than a necessity.... I am not seeing a really big return in consistent business. I have done this fashion show last year and not one of those people returned to become a consistent client, but are really looking forward to return to get more free services again this year. With money being tight everywhere, my regular clients are coming in less frequently. What was a standard of 4-6 weeks, has now been spaced out even further. Somewhere in the area of 2-3 months. I love my job as a hairdresser and makeup artist... feast or famine opportunities and all... but the famine part is really starting to wear me down. I am thankful, though, that I have been called in to help out being a student supervisor (aka hall monitor) from time to time. It is not exactly consistent either, but what I make from that has been going directly towards the family finances. I do not get a penny of that money. Once summer hits, I won't be called in to work and that extra money will not be coming in.
With the economic downfall and the decrease in available jobs, DD's college fund is not exactly growing, either. I keep reminding her that good grades and good test scores are helpful in possibly being accepted for scholarships, but the student loans will be devastating and she really needs to focus on good grades. I now fully understand how my parents struggled and sacrificed for their kids. I even feel bad about the resentment that I could not "keep up with the Jones'" back when I was a kid. I had to earn my own money to pay for things I really wanted and watched my parents feel bad that they could not give it to me. They were never ones to spoil us as kids, but they sure wanted to offer more to us than they ever had growing up. I had no doubt they felt bad saying no to the begging we pummeled them with because I sure feel bad when I have to say it to DD.
I seriously feel I need to step away from everything and try to find my center, but I fear that once I do step away from everything..... I will not return. I have done that before. After high school, I stepped away from everything and everyone I was friends with. While I made new friends along the way, I lost some opportunities to keep my old friendships strong. While I have tried to reconnect, I still feel that I am an outsider looking in. I am not the center of attention and I do not want to be, but there are times I wish I could get half the attention my friends get. I know that it is because of my actions that I am more detached to people, but I am not a pushy person to force people to want to be around me. I just have to accept and adapt.
Well, this flossing did nothing for my unsettled thoughts. I guess I should just go back to my book and maybe play a game or two on the computer to fill my time and distract me from digging deeper in my thoughts. I do appreciate that you took the time to read today's entry. Not sure when I will do another one. Have a good day!
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