Good morning! Sorry for the late posting of my "flossing" moments. I was up at the crack of dawn, getting ready for an interview with a staffing agency that has been calling me over the past couple of days. While it has been known that I am seeking a stable-paying job to assist in the family financial dynamics, I never thought that someone could offer complete confidence in a job that I have had no actual experience in. I have always believed that I am quite the "eager beaver" when it comes to challenges, I have the ability to adapt to new things, I have a very strong work ethic, and the desire to broaden my learning experience, but when something just happens to land in my lap... I seem to feel a little insecure. Chances are, I have been trying for so long with no actual offer of a job, I feel that I am the least likely candidate for anything beyond being a hairdresser or a cashier at a store. While during the time I was actively working full time (before having my daughter), I managed to take risks and changed careers in search for something that feels rewarding and even a little challenging. Being a quick study in whatever I choose to do, I tend to fully immerse myself in every aspect of my responsibilities in the job at hand. With rejection after rejection the past few years in areas I felt semi-comfortable in being able to learn the job remotely quick, I did come to the conclusion that with my "out of the loop" years being a full time mother and caregiver to my child and the backbone to keeping things running smoothly for the family and our home life has put me at a disadvantage when it comes to reentering the office world. Being someone that refuses to drag down the fluidity of a workplace with endless questions and minimal patience when it comes to being trained for something beyond a simple task that gets repeated (always predictable outcomes)... I feel quite scared in taking on a job where I have zero prior experience, a fast paced environment, and way too many areas where errors can create a terrible outcome. Not saying that I strive to be perfect right out of the gate when I take on a job, but I do take pride in being able to be thorough with minimal errors.
For quite a while, I have dreamed and dreaded entering the full time world because I have put in so much of myself into caring for my family... I would feel that I have failed in my promise to be there at all times. You see, when I focus on something.... I am putting in 110%... yes, well beyond what it seen as possible in the realm of percentages. The dream of going back to the full time workplace stems from my desire to actually do more for those that I care about most. Seeing DH stress himself into the world of Atrial Fibrillation and high blood pressure because he is the number one breadwinner of our household is something I hate to see. The only time he seems to be most at ease is when the weekend comes along and I am there to take care of DD. Basically, only one day out of seven is his day of actual relaxation. Even though I know that while I am away at my part time hairdressing job, he is borderline comatose on the couch and basically unmotivated to do anything around the house... He does take a moment or two to at least keep DD on her toes with playing the bantering game.
Knowing that DD is not getting any younger and should be responsible enough to do things on her own and even have a little independence, I just have a small issue when it comes to trust and taking on responsibility to the nth degree. While I am aware that her motivational skills to do anything beyond blast her eardrums with punk music from her mp3 player and play games on the computer is non-existent... my concerns for her being home alone for more than a couple of hours stem from her trusting nature of people and her inability to follow the rules as stated. Catching her in that unsupervised chat room was a huge neon sign that her trusting nature of people will open the door to her being in danger while my back is turned. The past year she has shown a little more respect to the rules, but at the ripe age of 12... she will try to test her boundaries in the most unsettling way.
Now, when it comes to timing.... If I take on this job, go through the training, and fully immerse myself into this job... I know that I will have issues to family life as we know it. Starting this late in the year can still offer opportunities to send my child off to summer camp and I could call upon the help of family to pick up the slack where I cannot chauffeur her to and from places and possibly ask for their help for when she gets sick. It is the inconveniencing factor that bothers me. I hold true to the fact that having a child consists of heavier responsibility. This is my child and she is my responsibility. Not everyone will be willing to take on caring for my child because I have a job. These people have a life, too. While people will be willing to help, there is a strong possibility that once being called upon too much will cause resentment and the desire to just say "no" when I need the help the most. I have seen DH's attention to his job and also his inability to become flexible to where our daughter is concerned. Most likely because his father worked and had very little patience with participating in caring for his children. His mother did everything for their kids and was never required to have a job. She was there well after her kids were fully grown and on their own.... and still is. Nowadays, my in-laws travel a lot and are reaping the rewards of a tight budget and years of sacrifice.... Good for them, but does not offer much in helping out with their grandchildren. My mom with her health issues and endless doctors appointments does not offer much flexibility in helping me, either, but she does try to arrange things to help as often as she can. So starting now and utilizing every penny I make to pay for a summer camp program is possible. At least I know that DD is being entertained while I am away.
Last thought before making my list of pros and cons.... Besides acknowledging that I have enabled lazy behavior from DH and DD, I am not sure that I am fully convinced that I will get a chance to "take a breather" after working 6 days a week. Yes, I fully intend on keeping my hairdressing job on Saturdays. I have built a clientele that I am proud of, I enjoy the work, and having a little "mad money" is nice since I will most likely never see a penny from my full time job. The money that I will be making from that job is going towards the greater good of the family, so what I make from working at the salon will be something I can stake claim as money for me to do as I wish. I have given opportunities to DH and DD to take the reigns of some responsibility in our home, but have not seen any opportunities taken. I try to be everything to them, but I cannot if my focus has been diverted. There needs to be some level of teamwork needed in order to keep things running smoothly. I just cannot fathom working full days for 6 days in a row and still manage all the responsibilities in the home. DD and DH are quite stubborn and suffer from some serious clutter blindness, as I, on the other hand, has little patience for things that need to be done. I attribute my determination to getting things done because my parents instilled a very strong work ethic in me. I would gather that I could be great in management of a team because I am not afraid to roll up my sleeves and work... Setting an example of never allowing for things to sit an the wayside and be doled out to another that has their day full of work in front of them. In my past work experience, I came across only one manager that actually participated in all aspects of the job and actually worked with their team. I loved that job, but sadly that person was promoted and the new manager that took their place was not as ambitious. I tried to transfer, but was denied because this new manager liked that I did more than my fellow co-workers and made it easy for them to sit and reap the rewards from my efforts. Being in a non-equal environment burnt me out and no opportunity for growth or movement... I ended up leaving.
With the uncertainty of actually being the best candidate for a career that I felt confused in listening to, but feeling confident that I am capable of learning.... I need to take today to think things thoroughly and decide if I should take the chance if this company is willing to take a chance on me or pass on this opportunity and hope that something that I feel a little more confident about comes along. Life does not come with a crystal ball that can tell me if this is the path I should take. I would be heartbroken for that employer if I was nothing like they expected and did more damage than good. I do not have one vindictive bone in my body and wishes for everyone to succeed.... even me, but taking a chance that I feel uncertain about because I am "behind the times" might not be the right fit for me or the company... It could possibly be a success or a complete and utter failure. Time to take some Advil for my splitting headache and really think this thing through.
Thanks for reading.... Have a great day!
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