Recently, I was offered an opportunity to be in the running for a full time office job. In fact, I would be something like a jack-of-all-trades manager/administrative assistant for a recruiting office. Fast paced, detail orientated work that places people in their dream job. Well, maybe not dream job, but a much needed job. As I pondered the full realm of how taking on something I feel I do not have experience in as well as how my being gone at a full time job will affect the household dynamic would change if I was actually offered the job, my anxiety-ridden self managed to take a back seat and I looked at this possibility with extreme rationality. That little slap in the face comment from a person that chose to remain anonymous got me thinking.... and thinking a lot. What is holding me back? What if I fail? Can DH really step up and take a more active parenting role? Can I trust DD to take on more than a couple of hours of independence?
Well, after weighing the pros and cons of diving back into unfamiliar waters, being 12 years out of the loop and all... I still felt stuck. Well, maybe a little scared. I know that if I was single and there was nobody else I was held accountable for, I would have jumped right in without anything holding me back. With things being different and how my actions no longer affect just me, I became more reserved when it comes to taking leaps of faith.
As the deciding hour is upon me and with no solid answer in my head, I prayed for a sign... any sign that can help me decide and be able to accept my decisions without any regrets. Well, that just happened this morning.
After making breakfast for DD and I, I pulled together what I figured that I would wear for the day and head off to taking a shower. DD is off this week for Spring Break and has remained in her pajamas since yesterday (totally unmotivated to do much) and is camped out on the couch with the laptop running. With her back to me, I can see what she is doing on her computer. Well, actually it was an anniversary gift to me from DH, but she took ownership the moment it came home. Okay, back to the point in hand... As I looked over her shoulder, she sees me and does a quick couple of clicks to remove a page that she was on. Remembering catching her in an unsupervised chat room (a major red flag of danger in my book), I asked her what she was looking at. The lying has begun again. This preteen is back to her old antics of entering some potentially dangerous places via the internet. As I demanded that she brings that page back up, she reluctantly agrees. It is some ad to enter a risky site glamorizing "naughty people in your area". You know what I mean.... a scantily-clad woman posing in a very provocative way with the words, "hook up with local nasty boys and girls in (our hometown) NOW!" Well, the 20 questions starting spewing out of my mouth over her recent find... What are you thinking? How did you come across this? Her answer, as innocent as it can be, tells me that she got this "pop up" after going into one of her favorite sites "OUR WORLD". Now, I am familiar with that site and that is where preteens go to play games and chat. This site controls vulgar behavior and does not allow anyone to swear or ask questions that pose a potential threat or allow personal information to be shared. Basically, it is one step above Webkinz World, but is portrayed as something "cool" to kids. What concerned me most was how a pop up like that just shows up on a site she frequents and why she took the time to read it. I am not sure she was 100% honest with me and I yet again explained to her that things like that are very dangerous. With a blank look on her face, she tells me she understands and would never take risks like that. Well, I am not all that convinced.
While I cannot protect DD from everything, I managed to have a flashback of the risks DD took being on some anime chat site with zero filters of protection for children. I even took a look at that site to see what was said when I pretended to be DD and chatted with these people. Completely shocked at what was said and scared to see what a few people were discussing, DD lost her computer privileges for 2 weeks. After that punishment was done, she got the computer back and after a few days... I caught her back on that site. She even had the audacity to lie again. That is when I learned of her little 2-click trick to hide things from me. The following punishment was forcing her to watch YouTube videos from the show 20/20 of a sting operation catching pedophiles that portrayed themselves as children to get invited to a child's home when their parents were not there. Thinking I got my point through, new rules were put in place and we tried to rebuild the trust I once had in her. We managed to get to a point where I could go run an errand or even be away from home for a couple of hours. I thought we were on the right track... apparently not.
After acknowledging that trust needs to be fully in tact for the safety and sanctity of my home, I placed a huge amount of my decision towards taking on a full time job in her hands. Also, I even took into consideration what DH can do when it comes to taking on more parental responsibilities. When I went to this interview at the crack of dawn this past Friday, I handed the reigns to DH to make sure DD gets to school. When he was asked to return home to drive DD to school because it was raining and I knew that we did not have an umbrella... I heard the complaints start flying at how taking that 15 minutes to drive home, take her to school and drive back to work was such an inconvenience to his day. I knew that his desire to step up more is not going to be consistent. Just imagining the excuses being made up for him to skirt picking up the slack made my stomach turn. Between the two of them, I now have even more fear that something can go terribly wrong.
I have come to the conclusion that I do need to take more chances, but they have to be in a gradual state. I no longer can seek out something that takes too much time away from home, and that is part time work with the potential to go full time. While full time at this spot in the year could have benefited me in paying for camp for DD, I have to be completely comfortable in the choices I make and stand up for my convictions about things without having any regrets. While I know that there are people that are forced to take leaps of faith every day, to take chances, and to believe that everything will turn out just fine in the end... I am thankful that my situation does not force me to take chances I do not feel comfortable taking at this time, but I will when I feel it is right for the taking.
So, in closing, I decided to pass on that offer for a full time job. With the long talk I had with DH, the even longer talk with DD, and weighing out my options.... I have a goal in mind and a clearer thought process about it. Sometimes "no" is the right answer. Even if you feel it could be "yes". While there is a strong possibility that I could regret passing this offer now, I need to feel completely confident in my choices. Thanks for reading and have a great day!!
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