Growing up... we learn how things are done. From something as simple as walking and talking to the more complex interactions with people and everything in between. What children see in the actions of the parents does mold the apparent roles of how a significant other is treated when the plunge is taken and you marry the one you choose to spend a large chunk of your life with. You can see this as the method of how a person colors within the lines.... some make an internal border to color within while others just use the lines as the border. Neither way is truly wrong, but the result ends up looking different. My question is.... is it possible to teach a person the other way of doing things in order to see how the end result could possibly be better for all?
Just this afternoon, DH comes home for lunch. I called him prior to his intended arrival to bring some cash to pay for his prescriptions that were filled, so I can pick them up. I would normally just pay for it with what I have in my wallet, but I seriously doubt the $3 I have in my wallet will cover the cost of his medications. Not allowed to use my credit card, I knew I did the right thing by calling him to ask for some money, so I thought that today was going to be another remotely calm day. I was right, but wrong at the same time.
DH came home, handed me the $20 to pay for his medications, reheated some leftovers from last night for his lunch and proceeded to eat his lunch. Suddenly, he felt compelled to seek out the appointment cards that he has from his doctors to look at when his next appointment was to be. He has a drawer that he keeps these papers in and opens the drawer to not see his stack of appointment cards. Losing patience, he proceeds to start having a temper tantrum over the missing things and begins screaming at me... accusing me that I moved his things. I calmly tell him that I did not touch his stuff because I know better. Since that is not a good enough answer, DH calls for DD to accuse her of moving his things. DD never saw his papers and never moved them and tells him that so. Obviously, this was the last spark to ignite the rage in DH as he continues to accuse me for his missing things with an even louder and meaner tone.
I take a minute to assess the situation and thought that since he crams his stuff in this drawer, it is quite possible that it fell behind the drawer and into the cabinet below. I walk over, open the lower cabinet and his papers were there. I handed them to him and walked away. I never heard a 'thank you' for finding his stuff, nor an apology for his tone towards me. His temper tantrum is over, he is back to being happy-go-lucky-DH again and announces that he is going back to work. I said nothing and he asked me why I was so quiet. I could not hold back what I was feeling and informed him that his attitude required an apology to me and DD. We never touched his stuff, we were accused and yelled at in a less than reasonable tone, and even after the proof was there that nobody touched his stuff... he apparently thought that his demeaning behavior is acceptable and that I just need to get over it like he did. Sorry DH.... I was not raised to be treated like trash that takes verbal blows when I was in the right. If I was wrong.... then I am at least big enough to acknowledge it and apologize for it.
Needless to say... DH took the $20 and left, telling me that he can pick up his own prescriptions. Of course, for added drama.... he slammed the door upon leaving. No apology for his behavior either.
I am just waiting for DH to let what I said sink in. Then he will apologize, but I think I have hit the point that I can no longer truly accept his apology and forget this event.
I called my brother for some advice. He is really good at getting a point across with very little effort. I see him as a word master of sorts. He knows exactly what to say that will leave no room for future argument. Well, my big brother pointed out something that I have noticed, but never realized that there is no real solution. DH's behavior is learned by what his parents done. I will say, without a doubt that his parents would deny until their dying breath that they behaved the same way. That the man of the house never has to apologize for anything... even if they are blatantly wrong in every sense of the word... and that the woman is required to accept this type of behavior and do everything in their power to avoid it again. Obviously, in my youth, I saw things far different than he did. My parents argued, but there was always a sense of respect for each other. Whomever was wrong and learned that they were, would apologize for it.... even learn from it. Especially from poor behavior.
What my big brother managed to teach me is that I need to have a tough skin when it comes to dealing with DH. My generous nature is something that rubs DH the wrong way, my reasonable attitude to be fair is obviously is another thing that rubs DH the wrong way, and expecting him to learn a new way is placing far too high of expectations on someone that refuses to raise the bar for this marriage. I am just not sure I can be so accommodating to someone that obviously thinks so little of me. Believe me.... I am trying. I can only guess that I am not achieving enough, nor will I ever achieve enough. The only thing I can do is find other ways to deal with swallowing down the negativity that gets shoveled my way. This is not for the sake of our child.... this is for my own sanity because there is no pill to make me hate someone I love. Sad to say it, but I am becoming the dog that loves the owner that keeps smacking them on the nose unconditionally. Loyal to the end.... that is me.
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