Biting the bullet....

Morning friends!  Yet again I fall weak to my convictions about my weight loss journey and sharing this today should be a raging neon sign that I am going to own up to something I wanted to not put on this blog, but decided to anyway.  Yep, that promise to not share my "private little hell" when it comes to trying to win at losing weight on my Mental Floss blog page is broken again.  My apologies....

I have been a total slacker in living the WW lifestyle.  For those that have not followed my previous blogs...  WW stands for Weight Watchers.  Yes, I joined that bandwagon back in August and figured I would be half way to my goal weight by now, but alas, I am not.  The process has been painfully slow and just to get a mere 20 pounds off my body felt more like I was watching the movie, "Titanic" in slide show form.  Every minuscule movement shot in one slide and shared in another....  Kind of like making a "claymation" film.  Took me almost 3 months to hit still waters in the weight loss world.  Floating around that milestone for two more months frustrated me to avoiding those weekly meetings and never bothering to track my eating habits.  While I kept a mental note of what I was doing, I know that I allowed for slip-ups to occur.  Mental stress over things that I have zero control over put me in shut-down mode when it came to going to the gym and even doing some serious cleaning in my home.  Luckily, the weather has been nice and I finally got my cleaning mojo back and did some serious cleaning.  Almost at being fully caught up from my slacker moments, I actually feel a little better.

Then reality has set in.  I have been a member of WW and missed a load of meetings.  While I have no problem listening to someone's successful journey, I just cannot fathom becoming what these meeting leaders became....  Bitter women that hate food or exercise junkies or a mix of the two.  The last meeting I attended, I watched this food Nazi stick post-its all over her body as an example that every "bite, lick, or taste" of food lands somewhere.  Really, if everything I eat has a place to take up residence, then I should sew my mouth shut, get an IV of vital vitamins and fluids and watch the weight just fall off like I wish it would.  Of course, she was making an example of all those WW "taboo" foods.  Feeling like life as we know it needs to be some kind of mental brainwashing over foods that people do enjoy from time to time.  One example :  Birthday cake.  While the idea of something special to celebrate an anniversary of sorts is a rare thing when you get older, but the comments made of a potential germ-fest once the candles are blown out does kill the thought of having a slice.  I like cake, but not liking the idea of getting sick because someone breathed on it.  Then there are the stories of how the weight just fell off at an alarming rate because someone takes a 5-mile walk to get a Starbucks coffee every morning.  While I am not a coffee drinker, I just cannot fathom getting up at the crack of dawn "jonesing" for the morning caffeine fix and taking a hike to get some.  If rewards need to have a minimal 5-mile jaunt to get them, I would rather just suffer taking the next closest thing and stay where I am.  Hearing this woman do this through rain, sleet, snow, and frigid temperatures makes her a better candidate to be a mail carrier than a WW meeting leader.  Well, that would have to be some awesome coffee to get me to do something like that.

I just know that being successful takes effort and I have been lacking for quite a while.  I am a worrisome person by nature.  Stress stops me dead in its tracks.  Food becomes a crutch to face another day.  Chocolate is my friend during the times I feel the most alone.  With DH coming home later and later at night during the week, I know that I have become the mindless snacker.  Monthly cravings of chocolate to keep hormonal outbursts at bay is not going to get me to where I need to be.  Summer is almost here and shedding the winter clothes should be something I would rather look forward to compared to the dread I am feeling at this moment.  Yes, while I have increased eating through stress or boredom, I have made choices that are more WW approved....  Apples, bananas, and yogurt.  Vegetables at every meal.  Measuring and weighing everything.  I look like I have been doing good on the surface, but with lack of exercise and my week of chocolate cravings...  I fear the darn scale.

Today, I decided to "bite the bullet" and start a new, clean slate for this journey I lost focus on.  With the weather being quite nice, I should start adding a daily walk or maybe a visit to the gym.  I just need to get over the fear of seeing where my living without being a total Nazi over food has taken me.  Sigh, back to WW and their lifestyle is what I am doing today.  Now off to face the scale, listen to a person tell me that life needs to be controlled every step of the way, and try to embrace a lifestyle that I just cannot get a handle on.  Wish me luck that when I see what the scale says I do not beat myself down more than I have already been doing.

Have a good day everyone!