Good morning! Just a quick little blog to remove what mental sludge I happen to have weighing me down.
It appears that the storm has calmed. No real complaints about things. I have embraced that things are as they are and the after-effect is putting my mind in a lull that really has nothing important to say. Just little things that I have been seeing as trivial crap that does not mount to a hill of beans these days and turning into something that I like to call "mental sludge".
I am in the full throws of a reading frenzy that has dragged me away from reality. My housework is falling behind, my desire to have dinner ready once DH gets home is starting to push the limits of doing the 50 yard dash at the end of the day. The dishes get done the next day instead of at the end of the day. The laundry is starting to pile up again, which will result in visiting the laundromat with a truck full of clothes that need attending to. The last visit to the laundromat ended up roughly costing me close to $30 in quarters and a couple of hours of my time. On the upside to going to the laundromat.... you get a lot done in a shorter time frame, but I could definitely find better things to do with the $30 I spent. Also, when did I become shy over what people see when it comes to our laundry? I seriously doubt that people really care what our clothes look like, but when it comes to underwear, I just get a really uncomfortable feeling that people are judgmental if our whites are not as sparkling white at the masses. I am married to a mechanic and grease does manage to absorb through stuff. There is not enough bleach to get that level of dingy look out of his stuff. Also, being on the cheap end of things.... We are not ones to actually throw away what should be rags when others think that they are rags. They have to be threads before they see the garbage can. Heck, DH's work shirts have holes in them from hot cinders from using a torch and he will still wear them. He sure won't part with these shirts and I apparently just will keep washing them, folding them and putting them away every week. We may look like we live in squalor, but at least our stuff is clean.
On the emotional front.... there is not much to tell. I detached myself from getting emotional over things. I do have the occasional outburst of frustration, but nothing noteworthy. Crying has ceased and I do not think as deeply over things as I used to. It appears that works of fiction seem to numb the senses to emotional reactions. Last night, DH nagged me to take a walk around the block with him. I was not up for it.... I was reading for Pete's sake! I did finally succumb to his nagging ways and asked if his world was in balance after he dragged my backside out for a walk outside. I just do not have the resolve that he has to nag the living daylights out of a person to get his way. Maybe it is because I am too nice because when I tried in the past..... he throws some harsh words at me and I end up crying and unsatisfied. Oh well, I look at things as if there is a "no" in the mix, I just can do things by myself. If I wanted to take a walk around the block and nobody else wanted to.... well, then I will go by myself. The things I feel I need I can easily do for myself anyway. I am no longer seeking the answers to his trivial and elusive behavior. If he cannot share his feelings, then I guess I just do not need to know. I am just amazed that it took me this long to finally find my answer to existing in the type of marriage I happen to be in. What a waste of energy to get all worked up when I am just better off living the ignorance is bliss life. I have put far too much time in trying to be the more in this marriage; to be more helpful than a hindering force, to find solutions to every problem out there, and to actually become a functioning cog in things that obviously I am not needed in. So what if I feel like I am insignificant in my marriage? So what that I secretly wish that my life could have that perfection that fictional books offer? There is no Christian Grey out there for me, there are no heroes out there to save my sorry backside if I got into a pickle of a situation, and I am not the object of anyone's desire. That's okay. I signed the dotted line without reading the fine print when it comes to life. I have what I have and I learned that if I don't let it bother me as much, I can work with it and make it livable. Why want more if you can easily get by with less? I'll just keep my expectations really low and there is really no reason to get bent over stuff.
With this lack of emotional attachment to things, I really do not have much to say these days. Oh, there will be times I will need to grab the shovel and scoop put some more mental sludge. I am not sure if it will be a lesson to share, but I will try to make it remotely entertaining to read and maybe it will be relative in your life. So thanks for reading today's sludge-scooping experience. Off to do some more reading and maybe fit in some of my domestic duties. Have an enjoyable day everyone!
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