High Anxiety....

Feeling dizzy and weak...Breathing gets faster...Shaking and trembling...Mind is racing...Heart is racing...Fear sets in...Losing control........

That is what anxiety is all about.  It is the roller coaster ride that is not all that fun.

I was never one to have an anxiety issue, well, that is until almost 13 years ago.  It is something that does not come up in conversations.  In my youth, I was pretty much an adventure seeker.  Not a real crazy one that sought out things to defy death like free falling from a plane, or walking on a tightrope with no safety net underneath, but I did try to step out of the comfort zone here and there.  I guess you can call my level of adventure a controlled release of adrenaline; just enough thrill to make things interesting, but safe enough that I knew I would walk away unscathed.  I have my share of fears...  Everyone does.  It is different for everyone. I think there is only one fear that people handle differently, but we all fear it.....

It is death.

I recall hearing this one comment a long time ago, and it has a ring of truth to it....  "The moment we are conceived, we begin life.  The moment after we are born, we are beginning our descent into death."

Yep, pretty morbid thinking, but it is so true.  Nobody really ever knows when it is our time to "punch out" on this thing called life.  No matter how long you have, it is never long enough.  We will always feel that we never really finished what we were supposed to do.  I guess that is why I put too much effort in others... especially when it comes to my daughter.  I have a job that has been placed upon me and I want to do it right.

I have always wondered why I had my first panic attack well before DD was born.  As memory serves me, I do recall starting a new job a week before getting married, I had a sick German Shepherd at home, and of course, handling the final arrangements for the wedding alone since DH was only planning his part of "showing up".  I can only gather that the stress level I experienced was enough to push anyone over the edge.  Any normal person would believe that once everything settles down, there is no more anxiety to deal with.  When it comes to anxiety, it has no shut off switch.  Once it starts, it never stops, but there are times that it does fade into the back of your mind.  It is that constant reminder that we really have no control over everything.

The mind is such a complex thing.  It remembers experiences, random facts, people, things, places, and such. It also has the ability to affect thinking and feeling.  I guess the reason for my sharing this is because I am using this blog as a release of things.  A way to let loose the things trapped in my mind that either bother me or confine me; a way to keep my mind clear so I can keep that damn anxiety hidden way back in my mind; to release me from the shackles of fear and face life with faith that I am not alone.  Maybe become understood that much more.  To share that life is more than just challenges we face, but feelings we cannot deny.

I have battled anxiety for years and without medications, my fears have subsided, I embrace life, I have accepted the inevitable, and I have my faith to keep me going.

Thanks for reading :)

Just remember....  "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward, it is not a compliment to say it is brave."
~ Mark Twain

                                                                        And...

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'
You must do the thing you think you cannot do. "

~ Eleanor Roosevelt