People have asked me how I am open to change like I have been over these past few months. With my random "flossings", I have been blessed with the opportunity to take comfort that there is release being made so I can adapt to making changes for me and me alone. Well, this journey has been nothing short of overwhelming. I am still far from being where I want to be, but with the blessings I have received.... I am where I need to be at this point in life. I can only guess that the reason for this revelation, of sorts, stems from sharing my thoughts in a way to where I can look back and see how far I have come.
History likes to repeat itself when you are not focused on changing the course you choose. Well, I cannot say that I am trying to change the course of my life or the choices I have made, but I can say that I am trying to make the choices I made work for me. It is actually a little uncomfortable to even think that I am thinking of myself with that statement, but it is true. While I am prone to be more of a giver than a taker, I know that there are times that I need to do for myself instead of rely upon another to fill the voids. Some call it self-reliance, but I see it as a necessary part of me like breathing. Nobody is made to last forever.... Life does keep moving forward if you are here or not. Why not make the best of it for as long as you possibly can?
I guess this whole shift in my thinking is because in just a couple of days, a flood of sadness will wash over me. On July 20th, I will be reminded that it has been yet another year that my father has gone to heaven. 11 years seems like a lot to some, but when it comes to losing someone you loved all your life.... it still hurts like it happened just yesterday. I do not even want to imagine what is happening to my mom at this time. She lost her soul mate of over 50 years. I have to admit.... I am jealous at how my mom had the best marriage I could ever wish for. My dad treasured her til the very end. Yes, they fought from time to time, but the love that they had for each other made sure that whatever issues they had were fixed by the end of the day. They never went to bed angry. Besides the love that they had for each other, they still had more than enough love for their 4 kids (even though there was always a battle between us four to be the favorite in their eyes). Between the physical (and hormonal) changes their kids went through and the inability to follow the rules.... my parents offered nothing less than unconditional love and support. My parents laid a lot on the line to clean up after our mistakes, but never asked for anything in return except that we learned our lesson and tried to never do it again. Especially when it came to money. My mom still tells me about how we almost lost our family home by extending credit when there was a high risk for failure. Luckily, I still have my mom around, but I sure do miss my dad's wisdom and wicked sense of humor. That man has seen pain that I could never imagine and remained solid for his family. He was a veteran that took pride in this country even after his only brother lost his life fighting in the same war. His knack for taking pictures will forever remain close to my heart. There were times when I would absolutely loathe seeing that camera go off, but I would give my right arm to have him back with us.
I had many missed opportunities when it came to quality time with my dad. Young and stupid seem to top the list, but when I did manage to get my head out of my backside.... I learned so much through him. He knew what to do when a challenge presented itself. Heck, I could have sworn that he could read minds. His assurance that women go through pregnancy and live to tell it sure eased mine when I was pregnant with DD. His advise when it came to being a parent was even more appreciated. "Love with your heart, think with your mind and protect with every fiber of your being", he would say, "but remember that nothing is ever damaged beyond repair when love is involved." I understood that, but always wondered why when it comes to affairs of the heart, we tend to nurse our wounds for far too long. I never got a chance to get that answer from him. God decided to take him from us when I still had so many questions left. Maybe it is because God knows that I need to learn some things on my own.
I never really put much thought in my blogging. Well, of course, I prefer to try to keep names of other people a secret out of respect for their feelings. Initials of abbreviated nicknames or terms of endearment and vague references are all that I can offer so I can at least share my thoughts. I guess I really hoped that people could relate and see that they are never alone when it comes to the challenges that we face. It is never exact, but it can be similar in nature. My reactions may differ from others, but I take ownership of what I do and how I handle things. With my revelations that I manage to find along the way.... I hope that what I learned after the fact can better prepare others that have not been graced with those events and figure how to handle them their own way that suits them best. Remember.... no two people are alike and no two situations are exact. Perceptions blur the line between the truth and what is fabricated. Faith is blind and believing takes courage to face judgement. Life is not something to be taken lightly and it ends way too soon to the ones we love the most. Change is a choice and with every choice there is a plethora of ending results... some less desirable than others. It is how we face those challenges that build strength and character. Nothing is ever as it seems on the surface when it is depth that we seek and only time will ever present itself as how far the depth goes. Love freely, give generously, live life to its fullest, and always to think of yourself from time to time. If that takes detaching yourself from the emotional bonds it creates.... it is not being selfish or self-centered.... it is protecting yourself from the slings and arrows of what life will offer you if you lose focus on what is important. No matter how low a person can feel.... they are their own cherished treasure.
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
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