Good morning/afternoon (depending on how many little breaks I take while writing this)....
Not sure why I am feeling the way that I have been.... well, maybe I do....
On the surface, I am a happy and well-adjusted person. Internally, is another thing..... Probably it is because of my natural born tendencies to go to extremes when I do something...anything. I have a serious track record for doing something until I either burn out from it or cause personal injury. A prime example is diet and exercise. I get really determined, at first, then my self-sabotaging will eventually kick in. That is where my attempts end up in failures. When it comes to my work ethic.... well, lets just say that I have such a strong sense to do well that people scratch their heads in amazement at my sense of resolve. Sadly, the current job market does not hold openings for a person to actually have faith in a person's resolve to do well. They prefer to have people mindlessly go through the motions from years of experience with a college degree attached. I am street smart more than book smart. If someone was to show me some task to take on and explain the reasons why things are done that way.... I grasp on pretty fast. For me to learn a new job... it takes me roughly a week or two to become so well versed in the task that you will not see me come with stupid questions and need of assistance. Sadly, when it comes to personal tasks..... I tend to lack the resolve to stay in it for the long haul.
Dieting and exercise is the perfect example. I dive in determined to get results quickly and once I do not see the results I desire.... I become a couch potato with a candy bar in my mouth. I can be easily a gym junkie shaking for my next visit to the gym, but once I go into overdrive... I injure myself and become forced to rest well beyond the normal waiting period and the love of the gym gets lost. In fact, I would take a different route to get to places so I could avoid seeing the gym altogether. I used to enjoy going to the pool on hot summer days, but after one look of myself in a swimsuit.... I prefer to stay in my air-conditioned home. Well, after my light brush with some skin cancer.... I really get nervous to get a sunburn and I absolutely hate the smell of sunscreen. Well, I hate the feeling sunscreen leaves. I end up feeling like a greased pig that attracts bugs even if there is not a bug to be seen for miles. Needless to say... I am still fighting the battle of the bulge and not feeling all that interested in wasting my energy to feel let down after a while. I figured that moderation is the key and I eat very little anyway. My head is in reading books lately.
Speaking of books.... My recent need for glasses gave me a nice slap in the face that I am not getting any younger. Oh darn.... Doorbell... Taking a break.... Now I am back... Where was I.... Oh, yeah... books and where my internal loathing is coming from.....
Books are my escape from the stress that I deal with every day. The potential look at something differently is what I strive for. My imagination runs free with every chapter I read. The descriptive words offered to create a scene in the book plays as my internal "movie screen" to seeing the story unfold in my mind. Staking claim to how I see the characters, the landscape, the colors of everything coming into focus. I have to admit.... I have an amazing imagination. In fact, I swear I can even sense the feelings these writers are trying to share through their choice of words and even hearing the seductive inflections of how the characters talk. I laugh, I cry and I feel with the heady combination of words and my imagination. Sadly, I have become aware that my little escapes have been moving at a feverish pace and I feel that what I am thinking on the inside is showing on the outside. As I read, I tend to take a mental vacation from my life and its disappointments and when I take the time to break away from the pages of a book to look at my life, I feel sad. I always took pride in avoiding the false hopes of romance novels. I would rather read a gripping mystery where I try to solve the crime before the last chapter sums it all up. I even dabbled in some suspense or horror books just to get my adrenaline flowing in a controlled environment. I am not a thrill seeker and I definitely do not have a death wish, but to feel without risk is what I choose to do through reading. Well, my recent reading jag put me in a genre that I proudly avoided reading..... Romance. Anything with romantic tendencies were not my thing, nonetheless. I feel that these kinds of books bring on a false sense of hope and the internal loathing level of jealousy that I have never been blessed with that happily ever after and amazing feeling these women manage to get on their journey. Of course, the stories are predictable... A gorgeous, wealthy, strong man on a quest to snare the heart of the woman they sets their sights upon. All the while, protecting her like she is the most valuable possession to have. Of course, there is the undeniable spark of passion and the electricity that it produces to the senses that make it undeniable that there will never be a sad moment to ever experience ever again. Lets face it, people.... Lust sells. Not really sure if it is love because I figured I know what love is, right? Love is a connection that surpasses everything and fills your heart with happiness. Yes, there are times when an argument might arise, there might even be a time or two where anger can take center stage, but after the dust settles.... two people find a middle ground remain together. While my married life is not all roses and love letters, the desire that lust offers is dead and buried. Simple gestures that wooed me in the past do not happen anymore, conversations are about everything else but feeling for one another. Those loving looks are gone and there is focus on other things in its place. While my married life is not fully broken.... it is not running on all cylinders, if you get my drift. Sorry about the mechanic reference, but heck I am married to one and that is what I get to hear about every day.... cars and their problems. So with my face buried in a book, I am starting to loathe my current situation and I probably have desperation in my eyes when I talk to people. I am too far gone in these darn romance novels and I have read just about everything this one author has written. I am down to the last few books left and I have to latch onto something different really soon or I will become that spinster that hides behind her glasses and a book. I am just not strong enough to stop reading if I am enjoying it. There is no physical injury at stake... except for my eye sight, and physically, I am becoming more sensitive to my surroundings.
Now, I need to find another book to solve my addiction to books.... especially romance novels. I am at my breaking point with all these false hopes I have been exposed to. Maybe I will find a good historical book that will kill my desire for another romance novel. History books to me are like the cold shower moments men have when they need their libido under control. Yeah, that's it! A really boring book is in order. Once I finish these last 2 books, I will grab that one book I never finished because it bored me to tears. I just have to dig in my closet and find the darn thing. I just hope I did not already donate it to the library. HA! Problem solved! Thanks for reading my flossing moment if you endured this one. Have a great day!!!!
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