Good afternoon! I have been bouncing a few thoughts in my head today and even though I do not feel that there is any fluidity to my thoughts, I felt compelled to share anyway....
Having tendencies to be more of an observer seeking answers, I managed to observe DH's family dynamic in a new light. The conclusion that I came to is still in its rough draft, but I figured that this is just a good opportunity to get my initial findings out there. I do appreciate feedback and I look forward to hearing what you think.....
Have you ever noticed that impressions can be misread? What we tend to believe is fact somehow becomes distorted? For years, I have believed that my in-laws had some deep-seeded resentment about me. On the surface, it can be summed up as me being some less than worthy person taking residence in their son's heart. I can only assume that everyone has felt that way about their in-laws after getting married. As relationships build over time, there are stages that usually start off as distant or cold and become a welcoming hug into the family fold. Acceptance is something everyone strives for at one time or another. In my case, the experience I have had with DH's family has been nothing less than confusing. There are times they seem so nice and welcoming that somehow turn into feeling very cold and distant. Believe me, I am not one that has flair for the dramatic, but there is a lot of drama brewing in that family.
As I observed how DH's family interacts, an "ah-ha" moment came to the surface. I noticed that DH's family dynamic is not all that far off from anyone else's family. It is how behavior is acknowledged that has me scratching my head. Guilt plays a huge role in DH's family. I am not sure what the guilt is from, but it is the driving force that divides. I am not sure how this is played, but you can see it clearly how DH's parents cater to the squeakiest or neediest wheel. It is no longer a game of favorites like I concluded to years ago. As my mother-in-law worked feverishly to cater to her children, albeit fully grown, I noticed that DH and one other sibling remained quiet. Assuming it was from years of getting the short end of the stick ended up being something completely different. They are not needy or demanding. Now, don't get me wrong... DH can play that game quite well if he needed to... he got years of exposure to this and knows what he needs to do. He just has no desire to knock someone to get what he needs. I do notice that not just the children play this game... his parents get in a shot or two from time to time. Sadly, the ones prone to be receptive are the ones that are not as needy as the others. It is just one jumbled up chain in that family, but seeing DH's ability to avoid the dramatic makes that mangled mess just a little less. I guess that is why I got so many compliments this past weekend at how calm our family is and how well behaved DD was. We just don't play that game in our home. That is where the chain is broken.
This chain is not just a family thing. I noticed it everywhere I go. I see a person come into work still carrying the argument they just had at home with them and letting loose on a co-worker. Having no doubt that this chain linked itself to another person to take that with them and get their release on another somewhere else. I guess that it takes a person to break that chain before their next stage on their day in order to assure that it cannot go any further than them. While I do not claim to be a pro at diverting emotions from one place to another, I do happen to be fairly consistent in avoiding the chain from growing. Bottling it up is not the answer, but seeking a solution before moving forward is the best option. We just need to remain strong that we can control it enough so we can find the solution.
As I realized that what I thought was resentment from my in-laws is nothing less than placing focus on one thing at a time.... Which reminds me of a saying.... "No one person can be everything to everyone. Someone will always feel left out, but will get their chance to be included, if you give it time... just not when you want it." So, in closing for today.... Remember that when life throws drama your way... Take a step back, assess the situation, and never let it get the best of you. That is how you can break the chain of emotional drama.
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